Here Nor There

The only thing that kept the whole trip from turning into a nightmare is the fact that I was in a good company. My travel partner, who is more like a little sister to me than an old time friend, and I didn't take the whole thing seriously, at times, even making fun of the situation.

At that point, there was nothing else we could do anyway. It was Christmas day and a lot of frustrated travelers were still stuck in train stations, their loved ones waiting at home, wishing that the date of 25th of December would stop ticking away until they see the awaited familiar faces at their doorsteps.

We were supposed to be home by yesterday after our short 2-day-trip to Brussels, the heart of EU and land of heavenly waffles, but Mother Nature was keen to have things go her way. Snow was pouring down hard since Christmas's eve, putting a damper on our journey. The trains were delayed at every possible station. And just like that, the European railway system that has always held a reputation of being reliable, crashed.

It has taken us 5 hours to end up at a station that is only an hour away from where we started, on any normal day. My body was shivering like mad, my fingers aching from the coldness, my head felt like it was going through a constant brain freeze, the kind you get when you drank Slurpee's in one big gulp, even though I was wearing the headscarf.

Finally the train that would save us had arrived. My friend and I hurriedly jumped on board and slumped ourselves on the next available seats we found. Outside, it was a hell of unforgiving, bitter coldness. Inside, it was warm. Heaven.

"Papa, are we on the right train?" A little passenger, with her father following right behind her, boarded the train and occupied the seats next to us.

"Yes, honey." Belgium has three main languages; French, Dutch and at certain part, German. The father/daughter were speaking in French. Luckily my friend knows the language. So she did all the translation for me.

"Are you sure?" The sceptic little girl, who couldn't have been older than 7 or 8 years-old said, asked her father again, her face scrunched up in an expression of genuine worry. Her short blonde hair framed her rounded face, her cheeks flaming red from the cold.

"Yup, pretty sure."

"Ohhh," she gasped, her stocky palm covering her wide-opened mouth, as if just remembering something important, "Did you remember to bring the ticket?"

"Oh, noo!" Her father, obviously playing along, pretended to be shocked and patted his pockets, searching for the ticket.

"No papa! The controller would kick us out!"

The girl was already freaking out, until her father produced a piece of paper from the inside pocket of his jacket, "Ta-da!"

She breathed a sigh of relief, loudly. Her father laughed and patted the top of her head, messing up her hair. She is, by far, the cutest, most matured little girl I have ever seen.

When I was that age, I believe that I did not yet possess the ability to worry about reality. I hope this bright little girl who was sitting next to me doesn't agonize over every single littlest thing in her life, that she can enjoy the carefree nature of her innocent years, which is what childhood is all about.

"Can you please ask the controller when he comes over if we are really on the right train, papa?" she asked, at which the father bursted in an even louder laugh. The little girl's antics throughout the journey kept her father laughing, both of them looked very happy and content, the delay in their journey didn't seem to matter, everything else didn't seem to matter, perhaps forgetting the fact that they were supposed to be somewhere else right now.

I looked outside the window of the moving train. Lost in my own reverie, it got me wondering, if I have ever made my father laughed like that at my own antics when I was still his little princess. I tried to remember, I tried hard, but to no avail. I did remember the time when he accompanied me to a coloring contest in LIMA Langkawi, just the two of us, though the memory was just fragments of details and snapshots. I wished I could remember the day in whole.

I wonder, if he remembered that day, or any other day that we spent together. I wonder, when he was still Here instead of There, if he had ever sat down on any given bad or good day, and let his mind wandered back to the time when I was a kid, and the memory made him chuckled, or at least, smiled.

I hope he had.

The train kept moving, taking us away and away from where we started and closer to where we were supposed to be.

Crazy Bookshelves Idea

What's the most important part to think of when planning your dream house?

Mine, apart from the fact that it must have a swimming pool with a waterfall at the end of it so that I can swim to the sound of cascading water. And the fact that it must have a mini farm with herbs' garden and baby goats and chickens. Maybe a zebra and a unicorn too.

No, seriously.

Equally important is a wacky bookshelf to store my endless reading material. Kalau rumah dah ada air terjun dengan unicorn, maknanya I can afford spending all my time just getting drunk on books and swimming and sewing and tending the gardens. Indahnya dunia kalau macam tu. SIGH.

Tapi kalau agak lambat lagi nak tunggu dapat unicorn dengan air terjun, jadi bolehlah kita focus kat wacky bookshelf dulu.

Here's a few to-die-for ideas:

Bestnya ada chaos sebegini dalam living room. Boleh susun shot glasses collection yang kumpul masa travel (shot glass ja yang paling murah nak beli pon since I don't like fridge magnets). Boleh letak segala macam 'karya-karya' modular origami models jugak. Tapi jenuh jugaklah nak buang sawang dengan taik cicak nanti. Hmm kat sini takdak cicak dengan labah-labah.

This is uber coolness!

Ini pon awesome jugak! Susun sikit-sikit ja pastu lempaq ja kat bawah tu. Nampak artistic.

But then, I found this :

This is THE ONE! Senang ja nak buat :

To shelve all the novels in my collection, that'll be some work, but it'll definitely be worth it.

Heaven or Hell

I wonder.

What would heaven be like?

Other than a paradise of gardens beneath which rivers flow... I'm sure it would be more beautiful than anything man has ever set his eyes on. An unimaginably sublime sight, more magnificent than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, beyond picturesque than a perfect summer day in Capri island, grander than the lost world of Macchu Picchu amidst the lush green mountains, its existence evoking more tranquility than the sound of mighty Iguazu waterfalls...it is heaven after all, created by the Creator Himself.

But will I forget all the confusions and insecurities I've had during my time here? Will it be like an instant revelation, every piece of information finally coming together, fitting each other without so much as a gap for a fleck of dust, and man will feel so ashamed of his foolishness for not seeing what's so apparent before their eyes all this while?

Will I forget every feeling, every frustration, every small victory that I've gathered thus far? Will they be insignificant and trivial?

Will fear and restless anticipation overwhelm every other emotion?

Will lovers forget each other once they have fairies with glorious beauty on their side?

Will all the questions and all the things I've wanted to say to my father once I get to meet him in the afterlife seem irrelevant? Will I still miss him as much and be happy to see him after what will be a very, very long time?

See, my minuscule mortal mind is incapable of making sense out of this.

Have a nice holiday people. God bless.

MAKE SOME NOISE FOR FABIO, SOLE NICARAGUA SURVIVOR

Setiap kali tengok Survivor, bila favourite contestant kena vote off, ataupun tak menang sejuta, Encik Boyfriend yang penyabar mesti jadi mangsa mendengar keluhan hati. Yes, I still watch Survivor. It's the ultimate reality TV show y'all, no other show can compete! The Mole comes in second.

I suppose he was getting tired hearing me complaining about the collective stupidity of the survivor contestants for always NOT handing the 1 million bucks to my favourite contestant. He said, "Maybe you should stop picking a favourite contestant. Maybe only then, he/she'll win."

Fine.

But look at what just happened today. Fabio wins! He wins the million dollar! Take that, Encik Fudye! Someone I picked actually win! (I screamed when they announced him as the winner, dah la tengah makan time tu, nasib baik Tash tak tersedak)

OKla, technically, he wasn't my favourite from the beginning. Had a hard time picking my favourite this season. Either they are bitchy/assholic, or downright boring. Awal-awal Fabio tu mengingatkan aku kat character Ashton Kutcher dalam Dude Where's My Car. All brawn and beauty but no brains. Sikit-sikit "Sup dude?" Nama sebenar dia Jud, tapi orang nicknamed dia Fabio sebab dia dumb blonde, male version 2.0. And the name stuck.

Then suddenly. When his life is on the line because all of his alliances have been voted off, he stepped up his game, winning three challenges in a row. Dah la dia terer puzzles. Guys yang tak nampak skema tapi terer puzzle, dapat extra coolness point in my book. But heh. Takdak gunanya semua itu. Encik Boyfriend jugak pujaan hati.

Hmm I think I could go quite far in Survivor... Hehe. No, really. I'm not too annoying (I think) to make people want to vote me off on the first day, I can be quite competitive in physical challenges so my tribe members would want to keep me around, I'm pretty sure nobody will look at me as a threat, and I am good at puzzles! Though my willingness to trust people rather easily could become my Achilles's heels. Malaysia, come on, make your own Survivor show! Enough with the singing reality craps already.

But..on second thought. I love indoor toilets. With running, clean, tap water. And I love brushing my teeth. And food! And comfortable bed. Oh yeah I really do love them all. SIGH.

Chup, one last thing before I go to bed.

I want this.

Not the banana but the princess.

Please???

Update : On 2010, 2011, Food, Dr Rozmey, Melayu, 1984, Crybaby, and Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You..

Been immersed in a lot of distractions lately; hence the lack of updates here. I am attempting to put my thoughts into words here tonight for all the time I've been MIA, so this is going to be a long post. And perhaps a boring one, for all of you. You've been warned.

2010, 2011

With the dawn of the year 2011 approaching, the 2010 year end is slowly inching closer. I'm excited to welcome the new year. This is where I want to be and I am grateful.

Despite some of the bad choices and calculations, I think the small achievements I've gathered over the year are more than enough of a reason to make me look back at year 2010 with a smile. I've learned new strokes of swimming. Had a perfect summer with the people I love. Spent a lot of quality time with my mom and little brother. Met interesting people and made new friends. Had a wonderful, albeit short island vacation. Gone through an amazing experience which opens my eyes to what I would like to do with my career if I were to pursue it. I've seen a shark in the wild. Climbed a 5-wall. I've shot a gun, with real bullets. I mean you've got to admit, that's pretty badass. Ngahehehe.

And I've finally learned how to sew! This girl, who used to be the black sheep in the Home Economics class, who always ended up with bruises on her upper arms and ehem, chest area (thanks to the wicked witch of a teacher), have successfully sewn a 60s mod dress and a cute oversized bag. More projects to come, just waiting for my beautiful fabrics flown across the sea. So excited! Anyways, I wasn't kidding about my evil teacher because really, she did traumatized me into HATING anything remotely domestic, like cooking and sewing. Until recently.

Though, I love housekeeping. A little bit obsessed, you can say. My room gets a makeover almost every month. Whenever I get the housekeeping itch, there's no stopping me, I'll be possessed into organizing every single thing. But that's because I got it from my mom, and the organizing part from my dad (it still feels weird that I remember and talk about him a lot but don't get to talk to him anymore). My teacher can't make me hate something that's imprinted in my genes.

The year is ending on a good note too, with news that makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Silver lining does exists, I guess. Next week, there'll be good companies, particularly this one very happening chick (you know who you are, get your a$$ over here a.s.a.p la macha). I will be spending the christmas eve in Brussels with a long-time close friend, getting high with their heavenly waffles, extra toppings, please. My metabolism will be working on overdrive but that's okay.

Food

Speaking of metabolism. I am eating a lot lately. A lot more than I normally do. I'll be in the middle of eating something, and already I'm thinking of what to eat right next after that. Back to back. Rasa macam berbadan dua la pulak. Kalau macam ni la sepanjang winter, hadoii, kena contact Dr. Rozmey ni. Mungkin inilah pembalasan suka mempermain-mainkan rambut dia. Hmm. This sudden appetite surges scares me, for sure. To the point of considering taking some sort of appetite suppressants. I don't even bother to step onto the scale anymore (I actually do, but I just cursed the penimbang after that.) All I want for christmas is a wicked metabolism.

Dr. Rozmey

Speaking of Dr. Rozmey. I've spent six months this year in Malaysia tanah tumpah airku. My mom's newspaper of choice is Harian Metro (except for Sundays, which are reserved for The Stars). Some people might call it akhbar picisan but hey, the world is in quite a depressing state as it is, so don't look down on other people who appreciate the trivial happenings to lighten things up a bit. So anyways. Back to Dr. Rozmey. I mean, this guy is sure hard to miss. He is the definition of ubiquitous. Tiap-tiap hari disogokkan dengan promosi filem 2 Alam beliau. 40 juta dia target. I've to admit, annoying jugak dia punya promosi. Very in-your-face. Very imposing. And now the movie's out and it's not doing as well as he predicted, a lot of people can't seem to wipe that smirk of their face. Schadenfreude much? Adakah ini salah satu attitude yang exclusively Malay?

Melayu

Ingat tak post pasal Dr. Mahathir's statement tentang Melayu tu? Kalau tak ingat, takpa. Kalau curious, pi cari balik post tu and baca. Malas nak buat ringkasan hehe. I think Tun didn't mean to imply that our race is stupid, but there's something wrong with our ingrained habit. I know I haven't seen or experienced life enough as Tun surely has had to make a substantial statement on this topic, but allow me to share my opinion. Malays are creatures of comfort. Warga yang sangat chillax. Very contrary to the kiasu Singaporeans. Ingat tak dulu zaman sekolah-sekolah, antara perkataan yang femes ialah 'gipang', 'pulun' dan 'skema'. All of which implies negativity. Jadi kita dah diajar sesiapa yang suka berlumba-lumba untuk ke depan tu, dia pulun, gipang, dan itu adalah ciri-ciri yang tidak baik. Aku pon macam tu jugak. Mengata sekaki. Kita tak suka take charge of things. Kita suka orang lain take charge sebab menyenangkan hidup dan kerja kita. Tapi kita nemgutuk orang tu sebab macam bajet bagus. Kita nak, kerja senang goyang kaki, tapi pulangan berbaloi-baloi. Kita pemalas, tapi nak berjaya. Mana nak cari beb? Oh lupa. Kat Malaysia macam-macam ada. Kadang-kadang, bukan pemalas pon, tapi susah nak ambil the road not taken, the extra mile that will get you there. Takut sungguh nak tinggalkan kepompong, tinggalkan comfort zone.

Kalau anda bukan macam tu, tahniah (aku masih lagi mencari-cari kekuatan untuk tak masuk acuan tu). Those few Malays who do not fit these stereotypes, are destined to be the successful ones. That's my opinion la. Feel free to share your opinion on this.

Time praktikal haritu, I've had the chance to visit two fishing villages. Memang senang nak teka mana satu kampung nelayan Melayu, mana satu kampung nelayan Cina. Mana yang ada banyak bot besar (bot laut dalam) dan kilang pemprosesan, haa yang tu la perkampungan nelayan Cina. Kalau perkampungan nelayan Melayu, bot-bot kecik ja. Kalau interview nelayan Melayu, most of them will lament on their fate, thinking that we might bring some help in for them. The surveyor I went with said to me, it's the same story everywhere. It did make me feel grateful for what we as a family have, but then, one has to wonder why accounts for such apparent difference? Pure coincidence? You be the judge.

1984

This is about the novel that has been occupying a lot of my time and my mind lately. Nineteen Eighty-Four. A classic from The Animal Farm guy, George Orwell. If you haven't read it, then find a copy, buy, borrow, steal (and return it quietly back later), whichever way you have to, but you've got to read it. You can't have someone read and then tell you the story because it just won't work. I tried with my boyfriend, but the plot is so intricately woven that you have to tell every page to do the story justice. It's a book that will change the way you look at the world, really (that's a cliche line but the most fitting). It will haunt you, I guarantee.

Crybaby

Speaking of the boyfriend. He told me one thing that he can't promise if we were to grow old together is : to not make me cry. I don't blame him though. Every type of emotion has at some point overwhelmed me to the brink of tears. Watching Spiderman 3 for the umpteenth time. Kena usik dengan adik sendiri. Kena delete dengan adik sendiri dari Facebook. Terharu. Gembira. Sedih apatah lagi. Risau. Geram. You get the point. Remember an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Ted had a crush on that crybaby Robin worked with? The blonde girl who cried about the dead horse? I mentioned it to the boyfriend, how annoying she was. Sikit-sikit nangis, pastu gedik-gedik manja. Merengek. Menyampah. And he was like, "Errr..." And the realization hit me. Oh God no. I am that annoying girl. With the people that I really trust and can let my guards down la. Contohnya seperti si dia (tiba-tiba teringat cikgu BM pernah ajar dulu perkataan 'seperti' maksudnya bukan yang sebenar, cuma mirip kepada yang sebenar, kiranya penggunaan aku tadi tak tepat la). Dan adik sendiri. Sheesh. Kalau tengok cerita sedih (Toy Story 3 termasuk kategori sedih ok!), itu lain cerita. Depan sapa-sapa pon boleh terjadi.

Anyhoo. I've read about a study that concludes that when you cry, if the first tear comes from your right eye, it's a cry of happiness. If it's from the left eye, it's out of pain. Remember that next time you cry.

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

Sejak-sejak ibu pandai guna internet ni, I've been getting sweet e-cards every morning that the first thing I do when I wake up is check my e-mail. Such a great way to jumpstart the day; a mushy card from your mom. Hehehe. Semalam ibu hantaq e-card. Sepatutnya keluaq lagu tapi card tu senyap ja dan kosong, save for a note "Miss you, hope you like this song". Time tengah confuse-confuse cari lagu tak keluaq-keluaq tu dapat sms cari ibu, dia tanya dapat tak lagu dia hantaq? Haha comel tak ibuku tercinta. Setelah disiasat, rupa-rupanya dia nak hantaq lagu ni, yang Heath Ledger nyanyi. Double the comel-ness!

Ok penat membebel. Nak beradu. Have a great Monday y'all!

Suede

Suede is made of leather. The inner part of an animal's skin, to be precise.

Until 5 minutes before, I didn't know that. I thought it was a synthetic material, like PVC.

Erghhh ignorant nya aku.

Polychlorierte Biphenyls - Renal failure - Sepsis

The more I read about it, the more it seems like the outcome is preventable. It make me feel guilty and helpless that I wasn't there to reach out to you.

What makes me feel even more guiltier is that, by feeling this way, it is some sort of a disapproval on my part towards God's decision.

And that left me at such a lonely place.

All You Dreamers

It's the beginning of year 1432. Salam Maal Hijrah to all of you.

I'm not big on resolutions because I think it's overrated. Because everyone does it though they do not really intend to keep it. Most of the time, the resolution withers within the first month, or worst, a mere week. People do it for the sake of welcoming the unfolding of another 365 days, alongside with watching the fireworks. There's no novelty in it. If something is really worth doing, why wait for the 1st of every year to start doing it? Why not start right away?

But this year's new year is different. It inadvertently coincides with a lot of important milestone in my life that calls for putting things into proper perspective. I don't really like the word resolution, because it seems to be lacking of commitment. I prefer to call it a pledge.

There are 7 pledges on my list for this year, but sorry for not being able to share it here as they are too revealing. Yeah I'm shy like that.

So any pledge you want to make? Any dreams you want to realize?

I hope you get there soon.

For all you dreamers and idealists, even realists, this song is for you.

Hey there dreamers,

I know you feel alone,

Way out there out there screaming,

You got no proof to take back home.

Hey there screamers,

I know you'll get this done,

Way out there out there screaming,

Well you can't hear anyone.

Lend me your eyes,

I can change what you see.

A$$holes

Remember this jersey skirt I blogged about? I bought it at 17,95 Euros and thought that it was such a good deal?

As of last week, it went on sale at a freaking 7,95 Euros. 10 Euros cut. More than 50% discount. And I bought 2 of those skirts!!! My 20 Euros! Wtf H&M???? Are you trying to be an asshole of the grandest kind because you just succeeded with flying colours.

Who needs H&M anyway when a giant Primark is opening right in the heart of Gelsennowherekirchen tomorrow. So stop sending love letters in my mailbox trying to woo me with your cute dresses, H&M, because we are through. For now.

Candy

If it wasn't for the dead-giveaway at the bottom of this pic, I bet you'd never have guessed who this is.

The movie that I've watched for three times already, but still got me teared up a bit every time this guy dies. If the producer wanted to end the movie with a bang by killing a VERY IMPORTANT character, why not go with a bang and kill Spiderman instead???

Spiderman 4? What's the point.

Boyfriend : I know you love me and all, but if there's a guy that could steal you from me, it would be James Franco. *name pronounced with disgust*

Me : You know I wouldn't... (Uhm, I think you are forgetting Kelly Jones.)

*****

I need to start going swimming regularly as I'm pretty out of shape now. Less than an hour and I was already panting helplessly.

I'm adding a new item to Our-To-Do-Before-Dying List : Spend a whole month on an island. That's pretty rich but we'll find a way. ;)

Good night. Wishing all of you a great weekend.

Rise 'N' Shine

"I want to be alone for a while
I want earth to breathe to me
I want the waves to grow loud
I want the sun to bleed down."

Though this song is about longing for a better place (or weather), this song puts me in a good and sunny mood in the morning. Doesn't matter how shitty, oops I meant to say sticky, the situation is at the moment. Nasib baik la I don't believe in mandi bunga and that kind of thing.

It's been snowing on and off. With any luck, we'll get to see snowmen coming to life in a couple of days.

Yesterday was one of the prettiest day of winter in my life. It was the finest droplets of snow that I've ever seen spilling down from the sky. The kind that I think I only ever saw on TV. It feels like Christmas's eve. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked up in the sky and saw Santa because the whole scenery would seem so fitting. Ok I lied, I would actually pass out.

There's some thoughts I've been meaning to share here but that have to wait for a while. I really need to sort out this very important thing first; I need to be able to breathe a sigh of relief before it can stop bothering me. Though its priority is very high on my list right now, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it later.

The Malay Dilemma

"I am not ashamed to admit that I cannot compete with the Chinese and Indian students when studying medicine. They had much better results than me and the other six Malay students for entry into the Medical College.

It is not shameful to lose out against them. Simply to catch up with them we need handicaps. To be given handicaps is to ensure fairness, not discrimination."

-Tun Mahathir Mohamad-

I'm sorry Tun but I just have to disagree with you on this. To have handicaps spoon-fed to you all the way will only train you to get used to being one, not to progressively move forward without it.

I give Malay supremacists as much credit as Malays who underestimate their own race.

First thing first, let me try and make this as clear as possible, screw racial background. It has almost nothing to do with one's personal achievement. Besides environment and opportunity, the other important element in the equation is the will. For example, A is a normal kid who lives in a war-torn country, where access to education is next to impossible. B on the other hand, is considered luckier as his family has managed to relocate to another stable country before the war reached its peak. Chances are, B will be more successful in terms of education compared to A even though they are from the same race. That's logical. Right?

So why would students from the same country with the same opportunity to education be treated and evaluated differently? Why, because Chinese and Indians are generally smarter than Malays? Ouch. I am not an overtly proud person in general. It is not a big deal for me to own up to my own shortcomings openly to other people. But no, I am not going to accept your statement, Tun, which implies that our race is a stupid one.

My little cousin one day announced that he did OK in his exams. Though someone in his class managed to do better. When asked why, he simply answered, "He's an Indian." Like that's a perfectly normal answer. Like being an Indian or a Chinese automatically makes them smarter. Not their hardworking habit and their will to excel in what they do. What have we hammered into the brains of our younger lot? That we are generally less competent than our Chinese and Indian counterparts so that it is okay to accept it if we always fall short behind them? Or better still, not try at all? Oh come on, give me a break.

Why are we so afraid to get rid of our training wheels? Why are just the mere talk of the possibility of finally standing on our own two feet, without the help of a crutch that has in some way hinder our advancement got us all fired up?

This is the Malay dilemma. We should cut ourselves less slack.

God helps those who help themselves, right?

Snow

I said I wasn't excited for the snow this winter.

True.

But the moment the first drop of snow starts to fall down, it's like an almost magical feeling, that I can't help not to like it. I don't care about the cold, I created errands just so I could spend some time outside.

And it doesn't look like it's going to stop snowing anytime soon. Oh well. Can't do anything about it so might as well just try to live with it.

Be My Shooting Star.

Darling,

I'll be your lady,

I'll be your Lois Lane,

I'll be your Devil Angel,

I'll be your shooting star,

I can be your everything.

The 'Phonics concert was one of my best memories from last summer. It's the first time we went to a concert together.

And partly because Kelly Jone's voice was, like always, sex for the ears. For lack of other apt description.

Winter

I am not going to try to be positive about the approaching winter what with the snow already hitting some parts of Germany already.

I hate winter. With a passion.

It's so cold; makes me prone to getting constant brain freeze whenever I stay outdoor for more than 15 minutes, not to mention the shivering. Yeah sure it's a pretty sight waking up to a world covered up with a layer of fresh snow, kinda reminded me somehow of the pureness of the world, of how your whole life is spread out like a blank canvas before you for you to explore, yada yada yada. But like every beauty, it doesn't stay long. The next day, everywhere you walk, you'll notice that every corner of whiteness is melted and tainted by yellow spots, sometimes ughhh brown! Thanks to the overpopulation of dogs in Gelsenkirchen messing up my profound epiphany about the whole blank canvas thingy. How do you interpret and integrate that into the picture? To always be aware because in life there'll be dogs with bowel incontinence happily shitting all over your blank canvas?

Don't judge me. I love dogs. I think some of them are so cute sometimes I find myself almost reaching out and give them a back rub. But there should be laws citing that owners should pick up after their dogs' by-products, like in the States. It's just disgusting.

Where was I at? Oh on why I hate winter. First, it's cold. I don't care if students in Russia are saying, "-6 degree? Meh, that's like summer for us. Come try -40 here." Anything below 10 is no fun for me. Secondly, it's yucky (dog poo). Third, it's wet meaning it's very slippery; how's that for an added adventure for an already clumsy clown as it is like me. Fourth, the sun goes down at 4.30 p.m. like whattttt? But the last one is actually not really that bad. It gives me motivation to wake up early in the morning and not go back to bed after that because I do not want to miss the unfolding of the day and to soak up on every ray of sunlight. Plus I rarely ever have any evening or afternoon nap anymore. Daylight is too precious to miss around this time of the year.

Truth is, I'm over getting hyped on snow. Done. Seriously.

But as much as a winter-hater I am, there are just too much to look forward to this winter. Especially this winter.

First and foremost, like every winter, there'll be huge clearance sales on summer items everywhere you turn which is just too good to pass up. Damn you capitalist pigs, banking in on my weakness for clothes I don't actually really truly need. I just simply want them because they are cute. What choice do I have? Living off the grid? Maybe when I'm a millionaire and I have a vast property in a beautiful and serene countryside somewhere, with an olympic-sized pool fashioned like a natural waterfall, a farm large enough where I could rear cows and chickens and fishes and ponies and zebras and grow my own fruits and veggies, I might be able to finally be self-sufficient. But not now. The temptation of the materialstic capitalist world is just unbearable that I choose to simply succumb.

Fave latest find at Asosawesome.de.

After rearranging my clothes based on the colors, I realize that there's no trace of purple in my wardrobe. And green (one doesn't count). And peach. Hello capitalism, goodbye good consumerism.

What else? A good friend of mine is finally visiting! Planning to go to Brussels to taste for ourselves if all the hype over their infamous waffles is well-justified.

I'm drooling. Ooooh can't wait.

Winter won't be too dull this time around when I'll be planning and booking tickets for my first real Europe tour comes March. Arrrrrrrrrrh. I actually just screamed out. Loudly. Out of excitement. Hihi.

Plus there's a company that I enjoy being around with very close nearby so this winter won't be dull at all. It'll be cold as hell, for sure, but not dull.

Of Searching. Still.

...wether you have after all really lost God? Is it not much rather the case that you have never yet possessed him? Do you believe that one who really has him could lose him like a little stone, or do you not also feel that one who had him could not but be lost by him?

Letters to a Young Poet

Just Because.

Beauty and Terror

Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

no feeling is final.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Blogger-blogger Gelap

A lot of bloggers that I enjoy reading have decided to go on a hiatus recently. Some of them have gone completely MIA.

Que pasa? Que pasa?

As much as I enjoy reading the reliable bloggers out there who update like every other day, I still crave a daily fix of dark, thought-provoking posts of real people going about their real everyday lives.

It's mind-numbing (for me, at least) reading blogs of people who seem to be wired to be miss positive all the time. I mean, good for them though.

But I can't be miss fucking sunshine all the time. And it's comforting, almost soothing, knowing that other people can't too. A selfish reason, I know. But an honest one.

So people, please write. And don't stop writing.

Jersey Skirt

Recently bought this jersey skirt from H&M. It's only 17,95 Euros! and I'm one very satisfied buyer.

I bought two of them, one in black and one in green.

The material flows so gently from the waist downwards. Makes me feel so feminine and I'm loving every second in it that I wore both of them in two consecutive days!

Didn't manage to capture decent pictures of me wearing them because 1) the natural lighting was not in our favor, we went out late in the evening and it was already dark by 4 p.m. and 2) I just can ever be (semi)natural in front of the camera if Fudye or my lil' brother is behind the lens. With other people, I'll end up looking just very awkward; I'll either look like I'm trying too hard to look nonchalant or I'll strike an OTT pose. Spastik gila.

Blame that on my annoying deep-seated insecurity.

Lately I am in a very adventurous mode when it comes to dressing up, so I think I should consider of documenting it more.

These Things We Should Know

Jesse James allegedly cheated on the ever stunning Sandra Bullock because of her overwhelming success that he can't seem to come to terms with.

By now the media has lost count of how many times fashionista Sienna Miller keeps going back to the arms of Jude Law even though it is apparent that the bad boy Jude doesn't seem to want to be domesticated and tamed.

Recently another two women confessed of having shared intimate moments with Beckham oh pretty pretty Beckham who was allegedly said to be frustrated of Victoria's lack of meat like she used to have during her Spice Girls's days. Just because he is such a beautiful creature, I (my boyfriend seems to share the same opinion too but maybe for other 'manly' reason) am willing to dismiss this confessions as some girls' cheap tickets to the limelight. I know I am shallow.

Who can't forget the pictures of the badly bruised and battered face of Rihanna just hours after the incident that created a world-wide rage?

Permaisuri Aishah risked her reputation after pictures of her closeness with the notorious ghost-hunter leaked on the guy's blog. Who knows, she might actually have developed real feelings towards the guy (mungkin jugak Uncle tu hypnotize her into liking him) only to discover that she is just an instrument in his dishonorable quest.

A family friend was pronounced bankrupt several years ago thanks to her two-timing ex-husband. At mid-30s, she had to rebuild her life and her career from the ruins for the sake of her children.

All of these are the results of abusive relationships.

Relationships are really tricky as there is many gray areas that you must wade through. A woman might think that as long as she doesn't have bruises on her skins, she is in a healthy relationship, which is very misleading. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical.

As an empowered generation of women, to know and understand our basic rights in a relationship is a favor that we owe to ourselves.

And these are our rights (I found this from the internet) :

1) The right to good will from the other; when you commit yourself to another in a relationship, you are put in a very vulnerable state. If your partner doesn't have an honorable intention towards you, you have basically just dug your own grave.

2) To receive emotional support; relationship is a two-way support system, not a babysitting service. Otherwise the relationship will be emotionally draining.

3) To have your own view, even if your partner has a different view. This does not apply to core beliefs, like religion, sexuality, and life goals.

4) To right to be heard and responded to with respect. Indifference is as bad as a mean response.

5) To be called by no name that devalues you.

6) To have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real and important, not dismissed as trivial.

7) To receive a sincere apology for any comments or jokes that you find offensive.

8) To live free from criticism and judgement. The wounds of verbal abuse stay long after physical wounds have healed.

9) To receive clear and honest communication. No going behind your partner's back.

10) To be respectfully asked rather than ordered. It should be an equal relationship, not a boss-employee dynamic.

11) To live free from accusation and blame.

12) To have your beliefs and your interests spoken of with respect. (Note to Encik Fudye : So I believe in UFOs and bigfoot and dinosaurs..these beliefs should be treated with respect, ehem ehem.)

13) To receive encouragement, be it in terms of words, times or energy. A partner should not resent or undermine the success of the other by being indifferent to his/her efforts. If anything, a partner should be your biggest cheerleader.

14) To live free from emotional and physical threats.

15) The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business. If you both agree to pursue a relationship, a long-term one, then a partner has the right to know where and with whom you are spending your time with. You have the right to feel secure in a relationship.

In all seriousness. My mom always tell me that if respect to your parents can't stop you from doing wrong things, then at least, have respect for yourself.

You owe all this to yourself. Peace.

X-posed

People are unaware of how easily their actions and words can give other people a glimpse into their hearts. Their actions, when put together, explain a lifetime of story; all of their insecurities, fears, dreams and secrets.

Makes me think how transparent I might be to the rest of the world.

And suddenly I feel so exposed.

It is a scary feeling.

Adios Amigos

I remember a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine last semester break. We haven't seen each other in flesh for over two years so there was a lot to catch up on. After a while our conversation shifted to a mutual friend of us, our best friend. It was not a mengumpat-session. Promise. We both just miss her.

She is getting engaged. And we only knew about it like the rest of the world. No excited shrilly scream over the phone about the proposal.

Strange, a year prior to this day, we are the kind of friends that share each littlest details of each other's lives. The continent between us never seem like a big deal. But somehow along the way, without us realizing it, we simply just drifted away. We were so immersed with our own lives that we forgot to make the time for each other like we used to.

Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe it was just me, being the self-absorbed one all this while. Maybe it was something I said or did. Maybe it was something I didn't say or do. I couldn't say for sure.

Whatever it is, she just refused to see us anymore. We tried. Maybe it was a tad too late for any maintenace to salvage what we once shared.

She's going to start a new life soon and the friendship that we share is going to take the backseat, that's for sure. Perhaps it has been for a while now.

You might think that nah...that's just one friend, no need to make such a big fuss over it. Every year you get to meet a lot of different people.

But as you are getting old, you'll realize that in life, out of hundreds or thousands of friends you make, there's only a handful of them that you truly connect with. Those are the ones that really matter.

Dearest Umi,

I might not be able to say that I miss your cooking like most of my friends do.

But that can be easily compensated by a string of other food-related things.

I miss our breakfast outing. It doesn't matter where we go, it's always a choice between nasi lemak ayam or roti kahwin (roti telur + roti kosong) in the end. Milo ais pekat is a MUST. I miss our stroll around pasar pagi thereafter. We almost always find something to buy. Surat khabar, fresh veggies for maktok and other occasional odd things like sepit rambut, teh herba, keronsang, etc. Lagi best kalau ada orang jual ubat bawak ular tedung selar saiz anaconda.

I miss our late night teh tarik outing. Of course it wouldn't just stop at just teh tarik. There's got to be food. Double plate kat Burger Gemilang memang terbaik. Roti tisu best jugak. Kuetiau kungfu panas-panas tengah malam memang terbaik. Kadang-kadang nasi goreng dengan telur mata. And yet I keep on biatchin' about how I put on a lot of weight during the semester break. Sigh. We have the most memorable heart-to-heart talk during these outings. Looking back, I don't mind the extra pounds so much now. I would have traded the less-kilos with our outings in a heartbeat. But now that I'm getting older and my skin might not be so elastic anymore to accommodate the expansion-compression cycle, maybe for our late-night outings next year, I'll just stick with teh o kurang gula. No food. Boo hoo.

Our bazar Ramadhan outing has got to be the best one. Running errands just in time to get to Cik Siti before her home-made nasi dagang + nasi kerabu sold out. Sometimes we made it in time. Other times we lost the battle. I tried to vary my choice of food by alternating it with nasi beriyani or nasi campur every other day but in the end I just succumbed. Cik Siti's nasi dagang wins hands down. People just go crrrazy over her nasi dagang + kerabu. Sometimes we have to stand there for a good 15 minutes before we even got noticed. Pakcik makcik kat sebelah ada yang give up and blah camtu ja. Nasi dagang for me and kerabu for you and maktok. One of the earthly pleasures. Oh and how can I forget. Jus jambu dengan asam. Perghhh. Ok I'm drooling right now.

Susah tak nak buat nasi dagang? *hmmmmm*

Of course, our late night outings didn't stop during this month. We raided downtown and bazar raya. Though I stop being fun after 12.00 a.m., you were just relentless that I normally gave in. I'm just not a late-night kinda person, mom, don't take it personally. *I am not a too-early-in-the-morning kinda person either so what does that make me? A late-morning-till-early evening kinda person?*

By now you would've guessed. I miss my mom!

Take care, I LOVE you, you know that.

p.s : I promise, this post is NOT, in any way, a dishonest attempt for future personal gains, now that I know you read my blog. I just really miss you, Umi ;)

Freddy Krueger

I hate nightmares.

I don't mind being hunted down by a cloak-donning figure with a chainsaw through the woods late at night. Slasher-flick nightmares are kinda scary, of course, I'll wake up panting, sweating, but that's it. It's over once reality hits.

The kind of nightmares that I hate more is the less complicated ones. The ones with blurry lines separating a dream and a reality. The ones with at least a chance in a million years that it might just be a cruel flash of the future rather than simply a pure hyperactivity of the brain during sleep.

That kind of nightmares I hate the most. That kind of nightmares tend to find its way back to my mind from time to time.

High

Is it even possible to feel a brand new feeling each day with something so familiar?

I wish the message won't ever loose its weight even though we throw them words around far too often. I hope we catch it every single time. I know I do.

Sealed Fate.

One thing you need to be careful about when you live in Germany (not sure about other countries in Europe) is to be wary of committing yourself to any contract. After three years, I personally think it's less of a hassle to pay a little bit extra for a service but be independent of anything that binds you to the provider. Contracts are a pain in the ass to get out of. Well not really if you follow the procedure but really, when there's tons to remember and to do in a course of two years, sometimes you just forget. And you have to pay. Literally. There's no way out. You'd think you've signed a contract with the devil himself.

Blerghhh.

I Gots Updates

Jera Jahit updated.

Memory Lane?

Ok. Long story short. Actually it's more of a 'not wanting to have to tell the whole pathetic story.'

But what the hell. I forgot the password AND the username of my new blog, the one dedicated to my sewing project and stuff. I thought the URL is pretty catchy and I so badly want to keep it.

Tried to retrieve it, blogger sent me all the blogs that I have ever created under the e-mail address I'm using now. Apparently I've had this e-mail since I was 17. God. That's why I'm one of the few still using hotmail. Heh, back then hotmail was HOT, twas the shiz, I tell you.

The problem is I actually created a new e-mail especially for the new blog. And I've completely forgotten it. Just like that. What am I a goldfish or something? Erghhh.

They say every wrong turn is a lesson learnt. So what did I learn? I've learnt that I've had 3 different blogs under the e-mail address, and for each one I've only ever posted one post. Maybe I forgot the password too, just like this recent case.

One blog was written when I was 17.

Another when I was 19.

To read it now feels surreal. Like an out-of-body experience. I mean, did I really use to be that girl? But I guess when you were 17 you are kinda allowed to feel as if every little problem seems like the universe is conspiring against you. Lawak gila weh sumpah gelak pecah perut tadi dengan Tasha teringat zaman kanak-kanak.

Oh and allow me to quote my 19-year-old self :

but this is real world. knock, knock.
most of all, this is my life.
at 19, i'm still not sure of who i wanted to be. well, yeah, i'm doing a preparation to pursue my engineering study in german next year but hmm, i'm still not sure if that is what i wanted to do with my life. can you see how confused i am?

Well guess what. Four frigging years later, it didn't get any better. I still can't say for sure what I wanted to be and heck yeah, I'm still as confused. How's that. Shiznit (pinjam Tash's fave word).

To my 19-year-old self, sorry for not having my (our?) shiz just quite together yet but bear with me. I'm getting there. Soon. Have faith.

Ego

An important number that adds up to your equation of self-worth. It is as fragile as a newborn.

A pain to live with, but can't live without it either.

What's worse is when it gets bruised. And it gets bruised rather easily if you are not careful who you hand it to.

Bruised ego. Boahh. What a baggage to carry.

But it's not like you can unload it, leave it by the sidewalk and walk away. Life wouldn't be any easier without it.

The only option you seem to have is to carry on, and let time heal it. Although it bruises easily, it doesn't heal as easily and that's the problem.

Sometimes even a lifetime is not enough to heal a bruise.

Sometimes just when you think you are totally over it, the memory comes and bites you in the ass, stumbling you in the process.

There's nothing else you can do except dwell in it, as long as it requires you to. There's no cure.

There's only prevention. That can save you a lifetime down the torturous road of self-pity.

Next time, when it comes to a situation in which you thought of compromising your principles, values and your own self, don't. Just don't. If you ever loose yourself, you cease to exist only in the approval of others. At the end of the day, when the others are gone, what would you be left with? Nothing.

No kick, no high, no thrill, no guy, no adventure is ever worth trading yourself with.

Trust me.

*Looking forward to a lazy gloomy Saturday with continuous supply of caffeine.

sans toi

Doing things you enjoy minus the person you enjoy best doing it with results in half the fun.

Though the muscle soreness the day after is pretty much constant.

Essentials Approaching Winter

Being a true tropical girl, I'll be needing these things to fight the gradual withdrawals of sunlight. Yeah yeah I know, I did complain about the heat once in a while during the summer break in Malaysia but hands down, I prefer the heat better than 3-4 months of melancholic weather. It's not even over-the-top to say that I'll be suffering to some extent mild winter depression comes the season...

1. Caffeine with cinnamon + honey instead of sugar. - Lovin' em Krueger. Checked.

2. Extra lighting to give the impression of longer daylight. - Ikea's lamp stand with 100W energy-saver bulbs. Checked.

3. Sweat-breaking activities to promote endorphin release. And good companies to share those good laughs. - Climbing. Step dancing. Probably joining a dancing class soon. Checked.

4. Lots of good music, suitable to the weather. - Abby Dobson, Eisley, The Cranberries, the good ol' 90s alternative rock.. Checked.

5. A reliable knee-length parka that goes with almost anything - Boring, yes, but this winter, by hook or by crook, I'm going to stay comfortable. Won't let the winter chills trigger another shivering episode. Checked.

6. Cute dresses to wear under the parka. - I won't sacrifice dressing up for the unforgiving winter. Doesn't matter if the dresses are not going to be seen anyway under the parka, but hey, the most important thing is I know I'm dresses good so I'll feel good. Half-checked. Looking forward to a shopping spree at asos.de hihihi.

7. Benetint to fight of the pale and dull complexion. Pending. Mahalnya 32 euro.. =(

8. Good attitude. Smile, smile and smile more to trick my brain into thinking I'm enjoying the lack of sunlight. Ughh I'm a terrible liar.

9. Rewarding hobbies to occupy myself with. Checked.

10. Finishing of the papers so that I don't have to embrace another winter holed up in the room, studying! Must-have.

Substance Abuse

Coca Cola used to have cocaine and caffeine in it. Back when the negative side effect of cocaine still wasn't discovered, which means it was still not considered an illegal substance, Coca Cola contained traces of them. They still use coca leaves (from which cocaine is derived) but not enough to get you soaring high except the sugar.

Although fully legal and widely consumed, caffeine is considered as a psychoactive drug. But still, caffeine addiction has never been thrown into a group of serious substance abuse along with nicotine and alcohol.

I know this is not really healthy, relying on a caffeine fix to wake me up after a straight peaceful 8 hours of sleep, but what a girl to do? The attention and energy boost that it provides after every cup is just too good to deny myself of. Tambahan pulak sekarang sejuk, tapi bila minum secawan, mula rasa panas badan. Barula boleh bukak tingkap dan anginkan bilik!

At least, now I only need 3-4 cups a day compared to my DHI days...

I will stop being dependent on caffeine once boyfriend stops smoking. Muahaha.

Sigmund Freud :

"Just as no one can be forced into belief,
so no one can be forced into unbelief."

Sure I know it´s from the mouth of the Sigmund Freud.

But to some extent, our subconscious is, as a matter of fact, persuadable; it´s more fickle than we allow ourselves to believe.

I hate to think of it as one of the fads, that it is considered 'in' to hold such opinion nowadays but it seems as if that the same record is put on repeat, albeit coming from different souls. I know it is only fair that I give them more credit; such decision doesn't happen in a haste. It's not like, oh we've had chicken for lunch for the past months, let's switch to fish for a change. One must have gone through a deep, serious and intricate deliberation to take such a drastic turn.

But I´ve no complaints though. It seems that the more that I listen to their records, the more it reasserts what I´ve known to be true all along.

Just So You Know

Whatever happened, happened.

Wherever this road may lead, truly deep down inside me, I just want you to be happy. That, you haven't been in quite a long time. My words and actions might not coincide, but I'm rooting for your happiness. It's just that, it takes some time to digest things, you know.

I might be 23 years old, but sometimes I deal with uncomfortable things like a toddler does; run and hide under the bed or behind the door, wishing that the glass that was broken or whatever mess I've accidentally got myself in would soon evaporate into thin air, taking with it all my worries and problems.

Sooner or later, I'm positive that I'll get around to it, don't you worry.

Spoken words fail me all the time. The thousands of words inside of me just refuse to cooperate during times when I need them the most.

If I could just hug you right now, I'm sure you'll know everything I wanted to say without me ever having to say a word.

Days When The Sun Decided Not To Graze Us With Its Heat

Papa laugh with your princess so that she will find

funny princes familiar,

Papa respect your princess so that she will find

respectful princes familiar,

Papa love your princess so that she will find

loving princes familiar,

Papa cry for your princess so that she will find,

gentle princes familiar.

Changes

I like changes. What's wrong with changes anyway. My room would never go a month without going through some adjustments, however minor. Now I know 23 ways of furniture arrangements that wouldn't work in my room with such limited space and overwhelming amount of stuff. And I've learnt that waking up to your own reflection in the mirror, on some mornings when you don't look like the starlets on TV do with their perfectly tousled hair and looking pretty even with their squinted eyes still coated with sleepiness, is not really a good way to set your mood for the whole day.

It might take me some time to try Japanese food and found out that I actually like it. I might be the biggest chicken ever. I might be doomed at birth, stuck with a star (Cancer, if you're wondering) that says I'm supposed to be someone who is scared of changes. But still, I try to be open to changes and new things.

The point is, I think I have quite a healthy attitude towards changes.

But.

When things don't need fixing, why fix it?

And, and even if they do need fixing, can't they wait? I mean, is it fatal if it doesn't get fixed? Can't we all do without it? Really?

Things are just moving too fast. I think there's enough plot in the last 5 years in my life to create a whole drama series that could last longer that any of Yusof Haslam's, the likes of Sembilu, Gerak Khas, Si Capik. And I can guarantee of the originality and suspense. (Just so you know, I'm not a hater, proof : back during Awie-Erra's craze, I used to go see his movies at the cinemas with the whole family all the time..)

Blergh. This reminds me of the talk I have with a girlfriend last night.

I truly know what I want. I feel it pulsating in my heart. But when it comes to putting it into words, I swear I've heard more sensible things from the mouth of my 4-year-old cousin.

Fatty Issue

Conversation revolving around a picture posted by someone on FB whose existence might or might not be be real, thus rendering this conversation in a limbo of its authenticity:

A : Chanteknya U! Skinny summore. I dah gemok sekarang. *sadface*

B : Kurus? Mane ade. I gummox. U pon kurus pe.

A : Takkkk! U kurus lagi! I yg gem.

B : Nooooo! U're skinnier. And prettier.

A : No way! I makan like all the time okay. I obese. U're def skinnier. *jealous mode*

B : U makan je bnyk tp tak gemok2 pon, tak macam I. Mcm belon skrg. =(

Me : OK FINEEE! You're both FAT eventho you're actually just fine. Happy now???

Note to self : Ranting about getting fat or being fat in public medium (read : FB) is somewhat annoying.

Wedding Bells...NOT (yet)

Okay hate me for this post. But I just have to.

Was listening to Tash discussing her brother's wedding with her mother and it was me who got pretty pumped up for my very own quite in-a-distant wedding. A girl should be prepared for anything huh? Hehe.

I was set on pink and silver when I remember all about my sunflower. How would it fit into the colour scheme? And it sent me into a minor panic attack. Boyfriend recommended orange and silver instead. Orange? Really?

On second thought I was like, why not? Seen so many fairytale weddings in pink already.

Scoured the internet for some inspirations and I think now I'm all inspired. Even too inspired for my own good. Haha. Slow down lady. Degree pon tak dapat lagi.

But no harm in dreaming right? ;)

He's gonna look so yummy in a silver suit with a tinge of orange for the tie. ;)

I love the vintage feel of the pictures above. I think the orange hue serves the beautifully-rusty vibe to the whole mood.

Lots of silver + orange balloons. Kids will love them. But then again, there'll be lots of popping sound I bet. Sungguh rosak imej kalau pengantin perempuan terkejut pastu tersedak time makan.

The flower and the dress. Weee.

And I wonder, in our culture, why do we tend to invite almost every single person on the planet that each single family member knows to the wedding? 'Friends' from kindergarten? Long-lost tiga/empat/lima-pupu? If it's up to me, I only want the person that really matter and actually care that I got married to be present on my wedding. Plus, boleh save on cost and splurge on other thing. Like a honeymoon to some exotic island. Hehe.

Islamic Fashion Festival 2010

My take on the collections from the Islamic Fashion Festival 2010 held in Monte Carlo (too lazy to post up pictures, if you're curious a 3-second search on google will get you there) :

Apart from the one that has the name of our Prophet p.b.u.h printed on the model's chest (one does wonder how not a single person notices that piece sticking out like a sore thumb backstage and pull the model out before she gets off on the runway), I personally don't have anything against it. The models are not hijab-wearers anyway. Sure most of them are not purely islamic, meaning that for those who wear the hijabs, the pieces from the collection are not pret-a-porter (ready-to-wear) per se. But ask any covered fashionistas (read : Hana Tajima, Yuna) out there, almost any style from the runway can be tweaked here and there to make it work. Fashion is all about expressing yourself, a little bit of creativity and a whole lot of points for fun. Why so serious?

But of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

HAV

I've wrote about HAV a long time ago. Still remember about Friendster? I used to blog there. Yeah, ancient times.

While sorting out my life and its course and after the pact I've made with the boyfriend, what I wrote back then struck a chord deep within my core.

HAV : Half-assed Version. Basically it means a half-hearted-attempted version of you. It is you, but not quite there.

The world deserves the best version of you because there is never going to be someone else just like you are.

If need be, I'm going to use all the toilet paper in the world.

Update

New post updated here!

JAWS

As a kid, I remember being obsessed with mermaids. Whenever we went on a ferry or a boat ride, I would perch myself at the window and pray and wish that this time, I would catch a glimpse of a mermaid, finally. I never did. Except that one time on our way to Penang, I was totally convinced that that something bobbing in the water was a mermaid, until my father crashed all hope and dream when he told me that it was actually a log. An insignificant, boring piece of wood.

It was only natural that Ariel, the little mermaid was and still is my favourite Disney princess. I used to have its story book that came with a cassette. I listened to it religiously that I memorized every single word and every sound effect. Long before there was Astro, there was MegaTV. The only movie that I didn't mind being played on re-run was Splash. Daryl Hannah is the cutest mermaid ever, full-stop.

I've always envied the mermaids, swimming gracefully, disappearing into another world underwater, belonging to somewhere that we don't. Plus mermaids are all pretty and they have beautiful and shiny tails. I want to be one of them!

That might be why snorkeling was love at first dip for me. The freedom to swim freely without having to surface ever so often for air. Adding to the effect was Perhentian's magical underwater scenery that could make you believe for a moment that there is actually a secret kingdom down there. The sapphire blue water is transparent, so it feels like you are moving weightlessly among the vibrantly coloured fishes and curiously shaped corals. That was as close as I would ever get in real life to being a not-so-little mermaid.

I was on a roll, swimming past corals after corals, hollering to shoals of fishes "sup dudes?" as if I've known them my whole life, smiling and waving at them as they stop to greet me (I am the princess of the sea after all), until out of nowhere a figure made an appearance about 10 feet away in front of me that made me stop dead in my track. It was only about 4-feet long but the pointy triangular fin on its back was enough to send shivers down my spine. Just as quickly as it appeared it vanished, swimming into the vast blue sea to who-knows-where. What if it was planning to come back and attack me from behind? My ass, no!

I bobbed my head out of the water and realized that I have gotten quite carried away in my role play as a mermaid that the boat and everyone else's was far away. I panicked. It would take me at least 5 minutes to swim back, considering that I am not a real mermaid who can glide swiftly in the water. So I turned back and started paddling away. Furiously. In my mind, there's only one thought : To save my ass!

I didn't care that the shark has a black-tipped fin, I didn't care what Zam's book "Coral Reef Fishes" says, I didn't care that my boyfriend and I had came to a conclusion after consulting the book that no shark in this island is to be considered highly aggressive, it was a shark. I blame it all on Steven Spielberg for making that legendary movie Jaws.

On my erratic swim back to the boat I swam past one of my friend who was oblivious to the fact that a monstrous black-tip shark (somehow the size of the shark got bigger in my head as time ticked) was tailing me. I thought to warn him, but then I remembered that several hours ago while we were testing out our snorkeling gears for the first time by the beach and we all got pretty mesmerized by the vast species of sea creatures even so near the shoreline that we compared notes of what each of us saw, he announced "I saw a black fish with a giant ass", and it was only coincidence that at that time I was wearing a freaking black tights. So I decided to pass the idea of warning him and left him there to his fate. Muahaha.

After what seemed like eternity I reached our boat. Boyfriend was nearby. I signaled him to get onto the boat. Between catching my breath, I recounted to the boatman and boyfriend the suspenseful moment being hunted by a blood-thirsty giant shark. The boatman smiled, telling us that this place is called the 'Shark Point' but as of late, it was considered lucky to catch a glimpse of them as their numbers are reclining. Though he said, they are timid creatures by nature so they are more likely to quickly swim away if they see human. Oh..so the shark might not have followed me after all. But you can't be too sure sometimes, Mr Smarty-Pants-Boatman.

And then we heard a loud shrill coming from a lady another group nearby, "AAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH SHARKKKKKK SSSSSSHARRRKKKK!!" The group, floating with their life jackets on, was staying close to each other, so the lady's scream made the whole group went berserk. A kid even cried. More crying and screaming from the group ensued.

I turned to boyfriend, snorted and rolled my eyes, "Chill la aunty, it's just a harmless black tip reef shark, not a great white."