Revived

New blog here :

http://pandorarabox.blogspot.com/

The reason? I just feel like it.

Bulletproof

Kahwin

Sekarang ni kalau balik kampung jumpa orang tua-tua mesti soalan sama ja depa nak tanya, "Haa yang ni bila nak langsung ni?" sambil senyum bermakna.

Tok, kalau tok tak sabaq tengok Atiqka kahwin, Atiqka laaaagila berganda tak sabaq dari tok hihihi.

Kalaulah boleh jawab sebegitu.

Oh tok-tok sekarang walaupun tak ada facebook, layan facebook anak-anak mereka jugak rupanya. "Oh tu la ada tengok gambaq kat fesbuk haritu." Sigh. Lupa pulak pernah add kawan-kawan sekampung dan adik-beradik bau-bau bacang. Rasanya ada gambar yang kurang appropriate pernah diupload. Fine lepas ni kena lebih berhati-hati.

The photos I've uploaded I won't even consider showing to more than half of the friends on my list. When put it that way, it's weird to wrap my head around it. I know not many of them even bother what I'm up to so they'll probably just leave my profile alone but still. It's pretty weird. Facebook is fast becoming a gray area, devoid of privacy despite its privacy setting, best avoided these days. A Facebook phone, Zuckerberg? No thanks.

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Bloody

One of the more thoughtful things someone could do to me is not to get bloodily (literally) hurt in my presence. Yesterday my mom cut her finger badly in the kitchen; the cut was pretty deep, blood was streaming out steadily from it. She asked me to put a bandaid on it, but blood kept gushing out so it was hard for the bandaid to stay put, harder for me to focus. There were lots of screaming and shouting that the commotion made my grandma, who was in the bedroom, rushed out and specifically asked me if everything's ok.

No point in guessing, between me and my mom, who was screaming the loudest because of the cut.

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Lesen

Esok start proses ambil lesen. 5 jam dengar ceramah. Tried thinking of ways to weasel my way out of this since I've already taken the computer test (and passed!) ages ago. Oh well. Bring some book to doodle.

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Deutsch

Apa gunanya tulis German language dalam resume kalau when the time comes, you're not willing to step up? But the thought of being the one responsible for bridging of people who do not speak a common language well, simply put, it scares the shit out of me. Plus, the qualified friend for this kind of stuff is not available so it might mean I have to do this alone which is 100 times scarier. Yes, I'm that chickenshit I don't want to do it alone.

Not sure of how bad (or good) their English is, still in the dark of the scope of the visit (if there'll be a formal meeting or something which means I'm doomed), and haven't given my final answer yet but hey, this might just be the break that'll be it.

Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Who knows where this will lead. *cakap untuk sedapkan diri*

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Bell Jar

Read the novel for the first time and what surprised me was how normal she was at the beginning. Which offers the possibility that we all are not that far away from the edge after all. Found out that she first published the book under a nom de guerre; and a bulb lights up in my head.

I can relate to her frustration of her inability to write though our reasons are miles apart. She can't find it in her to put the words together because of her depression; I can't seem to find the right medium to channel the words to. Writing in my own privacy, just for my own sake, without any audience, lacks its certain appeal, that in the end I've always found myself dragging the .doc and dumping it into the Trash can (yes, I'm on team Apple). Feels like a twisted practical joke the world is playing on me that my boyfriend might not be far off from being right on this one particular thing which has been a long-run debate between us; that I might enjoy attention more than I like to admit. Pffft.

Perhaps if I write now while believing that it'll get published later, way later once I'm long gone, that might ignite the fire within me to write, and to be truly honest in my writing. By that time, no harm could be done, everyone in the story I wrote will be dead as night, and nobody will care to find out who the real person behind the made-up names of the characters. Who knows I'll win some post-humous award or some shit like that. In case the heirs of the characters decided to be assholic opportunists, suing over distress caused by the story, the money could go to shut their mouth up. Whatever, I'll be too dead with more pressing matter to deal with at that time anyway. In any case, everybody wins. No?

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Maal hijrah

Read on Facebook that a friend my age might have gone to perform her hajj this hajj season. At the age of 24. I kept rolling the thoughts over and over in my head and I still can't grasp the enormity of her decision. Clearly we are on very different pages of our lives despite the same age. The thought of performing hajj at this age never even have once crossed my mind and it made me ponder on the gap between me and the said friend and Him. I am forced to reevaluate my fights and it made me feel so small.

I hope I won't loose sight of the bigger picture. Here's to trying to be the better version of us.

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New blog?

I'm getting tired of this one. Thinking of starting anew.

The Cool Parents

While queueing to get to the top of Eiffel tower, a young couple in their mid-20s together with their son and daughter got into the line right behind us.

The son must have been around 5 years old and the daughter is probably about 3 years younger. The parents are the epitome of coolness; father sporting a 3-day-old unshaven beard with skinny jeans and a pair of leather jacket, wearing the standard black-rimmed glasses for geeks paired with a grey beanie hat, the mother working the very 'in' pixie haircut. Notice the slightly more meticulous observation on the father rather than the mother. Guilty as charged.

It's pretty clear what caught my eyes, but what's more interesting is the conversations that caught my ears. The parents treated every question asked by the son like an adult; no baby-talk, oh no way, and every question is replied by a series of questions which invited the use of logical thinking which led the son to the answer of his initial question on his own. Bravo for the good parenting skill.

Conversation 1:

"Daddy why don't they allow dogs up the Eiffel tower?"

"Why do you think?"

"Maybe because the dogs might poop..but what if the dogs don't poop?"

"How do you know they won't? What if you brought them up there, and they poop, what then, you pick it up and put it in your pocket until you get down?"

"But daddy it's sad if people have to leave their dogs waiting down here.."

"Who cares."

Conversation 2:

"Daddy what happens when you die?"

"Nobody knows for sure, it's a mystery."

"Can we be something else when we die? Like a birdie?"

"I can't say."

"But if we can, can I be a birdie and you be a daddy birdie and mommy be a mommy birdie?"

"Deal."

There's more but I can't seem to recall them all. I will try to keep that in mind when the time comes; nurture logical thinking and encourage inquisition in a child and make them wear cool, matching outfit with me or the dad. Yeah.

Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful?

It's almost 2 in the morning and I still haven't started on what I'm supposed to do. Mentang-mentang la jumpa internet, wajiblah selesaikan apa-apa yang penting dahulu, seperti meng-Facebook.

Seperti biasa la minggu-minggu awal kat Malaysia ni, culture shock sekejap. Cehh. Menahan diri dari complain banyak sangat since I'll be staying here for good and dey tambi, macam tak biasa plak kat Malaysia? Jangan nak mengada pulak. Source of aggravation : salesgirls yang tak ikhlas melayan orang (kalau tak ikhlas cakap 'Welcome' dan 'Thank you, bye' tak payah cakap langsung boleh tak?; itu belom lagi salesgirls yang akan pandang kita atas bawah kalau masuk kedai yang upscale sikit), cashier yang muka macam tengah sembelit (mungkin betul dia sembelit), tak boleh nak lintas jalan suka hati sebab kereta-kereta yang memang macam nak bunuh orang macam dalam cerita horror 'The Car' tu, akak kat Mara yang layan orang macam kita ni bebudak retarded, cuaca yang super summer jadi tak boleh layering banyak sangat, takdak public transport yang reliable. Yang last tu paling sedih sekali.

So benda pertama kenala amik lesen.

Tapi apa-apapun home is where the heart is and despite everything, I'm happy to be back. Any doubts, regrets and fears all fade away once the warm humid air reached my lungs upon descending the stairs of the plane at LCCT airport. Perhaps in another alternate reality it would be better off had I made different choices, but in this concrete reality, everything turns out as what had been planned for me, which is as perfect as what God had intended it to be.

Accepting 'takdir', as I've learned, makes moving on far easier. Though I'm still in slight denial when it comes to certain 'truths' I've recently learned, I think I'm in the process of getting there.

Matter of the Heart

What is straight? A line can be straight,

or a street, but the human heart, oh no,

it's curved like a road through mountains.

Tennesse Williams

Raya Haji 2011

Every end marks a new beginning.

So this nagging feeling of anxiety has no solid ground, basically. Well, to a certain extent it kinda does but to put all the senseless dissection (which I have done countless times these past few days in my mind) into words will take up more time and I'm kinda short with that.

Went back home to unpacked bags. Mom's been sleeping all day long for the past two days. Hibernation bugs have been catching up onto her. Now she knows.

Has to finish up some packing and finalizing the tickets and everything now.

Oh and yeah, I did cry like a crybaby during makan-makan earlier this evening, and being an adult, not a baby, it's a rather ugly sight, I have to say. Le sigh.

Reusable Deco Items

Found something I jotted down on a scrap of paper while sorting through the stack. Chances of me losing it is pretty high, forgetting half of it is higher so I'mma just write it here for easy future references.

So let's try this:

1. Instead of a plastic banner, design and frame a vintage-looking picture that has the date, the names, and the infamous fairy-tale ending phrase.

2. Paper lantern in different shades of theme colour, probably 8-10 pieces.

3. Glass jars in different shapes to put candies in.

4. Wooden crates. Kotak oren Gong Xi Fa Chai maybe. But they come in boxes nowadays right? Oh well. Keep looking.

5. Rustic old world map. Easier option would be printed one.

6. Chalkboard for photo booth.

7. Old ladder painted white for backdrop.

8. Aluminium watering cans.

9. Pebbles.

If you catch the drift, no stealing! Or at least, not until I've had the chance to use it for mine first. ;p

Less than two weeks until submission and my professor still hasn't read my thesis.

Well he did. Kinda. He merely glanced through it for less than a minute, told me everything looks kinda in order and that I should continue what I'm doing so far.

Somehow yesterday, when I decided to proof-read, everything, and I mean everything seems to look out of place. I felt like tearing everything apart and starting anew. Which is pretty stupid considering how much time I've got left, glad that I didn't follow through with the idea. I freaked out, didn't know where to start, and decided to kill the time by packing some stuff before going to bed early.

Woke up early this morning, immediately started working on it and now it's noon already, my stomach's a-grumbling but I still hasn't gotten far from where I started hours ago. Doesn't help that I kept comparing my work to the guidelines for master's thesis I found on the web but I can't hardly find anything as thorough on bachelor's thesis. Adakah macam lab report sahaja?

Now is a good time to freak out.

Hasil takkan dapat dilihat kalau tak buat sesuatu ke arah apa yang dituju. Kalau asyik risau, tangguh memanjang pastu nak tawakkal sahaja, tak ke mana. Tuhan takkan tolong kita kalau kita sendiri tak mulakan dengan usaha. Susah macam mana pon, the first and the following steps are important.

Kan Moon kan? ;)

Now is not a good time to have a nervous breakdown.

So keep calm and let's do this.

I Dream A Little Dream

I like the sound of water cascading into water. It has the most calming effect on me. And on most people, I believe. It clears up the mind. Washes away any worries. Rejuvenates withering spirit.

Maybe that's what God created the sound of waves and fountains for.

The reason why I like to do my reading and writing in the park lately, whenever the weather permits.

So I suggested to him that we settle down someday somewhere near a beautiful public park. Somewhere like Taman Lagenda Langkawi. He said let's have our house with a park instead.

But I said I wanted one that has a lake with a giant water fountain. He said well, let's have that too.

And just like that, he made my day. I love that we can dream the craziest things up and we would try to make sense of it until it actually makes (half) sense. Like how we wanted to retire in our 30s and go backpacking around the world. We actually had a written plan on that and we had a lot of laughs while coming up with it. Perfect conversation/discussion for a dreamer and a half-dreamer/half-realist pair.

I don't care if we couldn't realize all of the dreams we have because at least I know with him, we'll have fun and make fun of the gloomiest of circumstances, as we had in the past. I hope things stay this way between us.

But darling, the pet pony with rainbow-colored tail I want, and that's non-negotiable.

Humor Me, Please.

Psychologists say that comedy serves our need to laugh at someone whose fate is worse than ours in order for us to forget feeling sorry for our sad, miserable life, at least for a while.

Really?

Considering that Malaysians still laugh at the slapstick comedies involving tripping over stuff and making themselves look stupid, I'd say the theory is not far off from reality.

But roasting a public figure for their downfall on live TV while that person is present?

I mean, I can't never understand that. That's just plain mean. Even though Paris Hilton (who's that again?) can be quite annoying sometimes and Charlie Sheen is just an asshole I still think nobody deserves to be humiliated like that for the sake of making other people laugh.

I watched few excerpts from Charlie Sheen's Roast to see what's the hype all about since his TV show was handed over to Mr. Demi Moore but I can't find it funny. He clearly has issues, but to laugh at someone on their way down is just plain cruel. Anyone who finds that funny has a pretty sick sense of humor.

Why can't we just stick to sitcoms?

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve."

... from the novel 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' which a friend was so nice to send me as a birthday prezzie. Somehow that particular line stuck with me.

Quirkology by Richard Wiseman

Just finished reading a book on the quirky side of human psychology which tackles fun questions like the nature of altruism in mankind, our attachment to astrology, science of coincidences, and if subliminal messages really can sway you to do something without you realizing it.

Well, the answer for the last question is no and yes. No, we are not programmed to bow down to freemasonry or worship satan by subliminal messages that can be heard when you play a line from a song backward. Coca-cola didn't significantly increase its sale by flashing subliminal message on primetime TV. And no, Disney didn't purposely created a sex-crazed generation by naughtily having a castle which looks like penis, a night sky which has stars spelling the word 'sex', and a flash of naked woman in one of the frame of its film. Disney is not responsible for that; we are, being human, a horny bunch of rabbits to begin with.

It takes more than subliminal messages to persuade us, but not that much, apparently. Movies have more effect on us than we would like to believe. Anyways, going into the stories will have to wait because I'll usually get sidetracked and this would be too long of a post.

What I want to know is, where do people go to participate in one of these cool psychological experiment? I want to be part of it! The science of human behavior is fascinating, the reason why I like watching docus on criminals to understand the working of their twisted minds. Whenever I am able to go back to school one day purely for the sake of gaining knowledge, I'll go back and study human behavior. How's that for being rebellious?

So anyways, the book compiles psychological experiments carried out across the world, and guess what Kuala Lumpur made an appearance!....for filling up the bottom three of the most unhelpful country. -.-''

The experiments involved dropping sealed envelopes without stamps around the city to see if people would pick them up and pay the price for a stamp before posting it, having a blind man crossing the road, and dropping pens from pockets to see if people would say anything. Rasanya kalau orang buta yang lintas tu dengan tuan punya pen tu mat salleh, mungkin success rate akan tinggi sikit. Oh fine, mari saya bela negara sendiri. Rasanya ada flaw dalam experiment tu membuatkan result tu tak valid. Malaysians are a polite, helpful bunch of people, save for when they are on the road. Syaiton banyak atas jalan raya agaknya.

Lil' Rockstar

Source: strawberryandpark.tumblr.com via Emily on Pinterest

Awat comey sangat cek?

Lil' Bro.

Source: livilouphotography.blogspot.com via Debra on Pinterest

Just got off the phone with my brother. He sounds somewhat different now.

Older. Mature. Qualities which are not bad at all.

He seems to be handling things pretty well, considering how less than a year prior to this he was the main source of major headaches for my mother. And me. Now he speaks of his future with such conviction that convinces us more to trust him. He carries that air of self-assurance in his voice that makes me want to cry. I feel like, perhaps, he doesn't need me anymore.

My lil' baby is gone sob sob.

Chill Out

Source: nickholmes.tumblr.com via Lauren on Pinterest

Elephant in The Room

You can't choose to be different and expect people to understand your shit and everything when you can't accept others being different from you. You can't preach open-mindedness when you handle the belief of others like it's a virus of some sort. That's called hypocrisy of the grandest scale yo.

It's really ironic when a hypocrite is calling out others for their hypocrisy.

Oh and for the record, your type is nothing new, yours is not something magical, an elite society that only those with intellectual surpasses that of Hawking can ever dream of ever joining. Oh have mercy on the rest of us fools for succumbing to such orthodox ways.

Yes, I know my right from wrong but doesn't mean that I feel obliged to impose every single of my stand on everyone around me.

Grrr I'm so easily irritable now because I so hungry wan! It's 10 p.m. I shall not eat!

Tadi masak air nak buat kopi. Sambil-sambil tu usha-usha Pinterest kot-kot ada benda menarik. Lepas tu rasa ish bila la nak dengar bunyi water heater tu menggelegak, lama dah ni.

Bila pi dapur, tengok water heater dah tutup. Hot cappucino yang dah suam-suam dah siap tersedia dlm mug. Terkedu sekejap. Short-term memory loss? Kena rajin buat sudoku balik ni.

On Why I Choose To Believe In Aliens, Bigfoot, Yeti, Loch Ness and Such.

There's no denying that UFOs are real. By UFOs I mean 'unidentified flying objects,' regardless of their origin.

Reports of sightings on UFOs are undeniably littered with hoaxes, true, but some are too consistent to debunk, as in such cases where hundreds have reported to have witnessed the same thing at the same time.

So you really think there are actually aliens from outer space?

Of course, the more logical explanation to these sightings is top-secret military projects, since most of the reputable reported sightings occurred in the vicinity of military airbases and the military officers have always remained tight-lipped when asked to comment, thus making people even more convinced of the alien invasion theory.

Despite all that, I still want to believe in the existence of aliens. Why? Because it has been centuries since their first sighting but aliens still haven't followed through with their Earth domination mission.

On the other hand, history shows that mankind, upon discovering new technology, wasted no time in using it to terrorize each other. Think firearms in WWI and atomic bombs in WWII. To consider the other possibility that these seemingly advanced spaceships are commanded by terrestrials rather than their extras, that mankind possesses such advanced technology that is being developed for military purposes, is not looking so promising for our future.

Humans kill humans. Aliens don't.

So there you go.

On Bigfoot (plural = Bigfeet?), Yetis, Loch Ness, Mokele-Mbembe, Mongolian Death Worms, Sea Serpents...I just want them all to actually exist because they are so awesome. What's not to like about them?

Oh one more thing, check this video out. The real sea serpent FTW!

Ni mesti oarfish yang paling noob di antara community oarfishes sebab tu dia tersesat pastu terdampar kat tepi pantai. Oarfish yang noob pon dah 4-5 meter panjang, bayangkan oarfish yang mafia, holy shit!

Encik Fudye, kita tak payah amek lesen diving, kita snorkel sudah la eh?

Come What May

We might not realized that most of the familiar phrases in English language that almost everyone have heard and used are coined/popularized by Shakespeare. To a certain extent, we are poets, you and I.

Source: englishmuse.com via Adrienne on Pinterest

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I think I might bake these cuties for Halloween!

Cara-cara Nak Tingkatkan Chances Orang Pulangkan Camera Balik Kalau Hilang

Tunggu beli camera canggih, nak letak ni la dalam memory card. His expressions are priceless! Especially yang part "unless you stole it" hahahaha!

Source: snowinateapot.blogspot.com via Katherine on Pinterest

Merci Beaucoup

Am back in the room. So sad. Half an hour prior to me sitting in from of my laptop writing this, I was out the door, wanting to continue my writing in the park because today is such a beautiful sunny day with no dark clouds looming somewhere in the horizon like an evil dragon just waiting to spring on you with rain and thunder. I decided to stop at a shop to grab some iced coffee and bread in case I get hungry while in the park which is very likely especially when doing activity involving lots of brain cells in the frontal lobe. Anyways.

I was quarter of the way that I realized it was a mistake when my nose started to get runny and my head was on the brink of minor brain freeze. My sweater apparently wasn't thick enough for the weather. I was tricked by the sun. If I stayed outside I would surely got a serious case of headache by the end of the day. What to do. I'm a tropical girl through and through.

Ok I got sidetracked. So I was back in the room going through several blogs before continuing with my work.

A friend wrote something that I couldn't agree more with.

Sometimes, when a friend is going through a rough patch in his/her life, and he/she needs a pair of ears to listen to his/her worries and all, the best thing is just to listen and the worst thing would be to pretend or to try to understand what he/she is feeling. Even if it is out of your best intention to relate to his.her story. Because you can never, never, understand exactly what the friend is going through because you haven't walked 1000 miles in his/her shoes.

Fictional case of point 1 :

Your friend was telling you about how his brother accidentally plunged down 43-storey down a building to his death and your best comeback is, "I know exactly how you feel, it totally felt like the time my cat jumped out of a 5-storey building. So sad. Oh but the cat didn't die though."

Or something like that.

The only reason the person didn't scream in your face is the incredulity of your statement. You don't know how that person feel so don't say something like that. Cat/dog-lovers, don't take offense. It's just that non-cat/dog-lovers can't fully comprehend the relationship a human can have with their pets.

Doesn't mean that you can't be a good friend by not being able to relate to the situation and say all the right things. Sometimes to shut up and listen is all you have to do.

Atok & Nenek

Found this on Pinsterest and can't help putting it here.

He was so sweet to her the whole time it makes me want to cry! Bini dia asyik dok cakap diri dia noob tak tau nak guna webcam, dia cakap things like "Well whatever you do, you're doing fine," and "It's okay learning takes time." And atok, you're so goofy, you're beyond adorable!

I hope I have someone like that by my side telling me my hair is pretty when it's all gray and asking to see my boobs when they're wrinkly and saggy. Because that's love yo.

Ahhh this just filled my morning with a warm feeling despite the looming clouds outside that I can't go to do my work in the park.

Sawadeekap!

Haritu time on the way nak pi beraya dengan Tini, ada sorang lelaki Turki ni tegur, dia cakap macam ni la,

"Ihr seid Japanen warum tragt euch Kopftuch? Das geht nicht. (How come you Japanese are wearing hijab? That's weird.)"

"Errr weil wir Muslimen sind, und nein wir kommen nicht aus Japanen, sonst Malaysia. (errr because we are Muslims, and by the way we are from Malaysia not Japan.)"

"Echt??? (Really???) *muka tak percaya*"

Mungkin orang tu kurang sedikit pengetahuan am dia sebab ada ja orang Jepun yang Islam. Tapi ada pulak sekali tu kat FH, ada makcik ni, rasanya bukan student sebab dah tua, dan bukan juga makcik cleaner sebab dia pakai baju cantik. Tengah cuci tangan dekat sink bersebelahan, pastu dia buat statement macam ni sambil tersenyum-senyum kambing,

"Sie sehen nicht so muslimisch aus.. (You don't really look like a Muslim..)"

Dalam hati dah macam, erm, macam mana nak jawab ni, macam orang tu tengah accuse kita for being someone we are not. Kenala explain lagi sekali asal-usul dengan jawapan standard. Habis tu macam mana nak nampak macam lagi 'Islam'? Macam lawak pon ada soalan dia.

Pernah sekali, makcik Turki yang sungguh sweet ni (jarang woo kat sini nak jumpa makcik Turki yang muka tak ketat hahaha stress ja depa ni tak tau pasaipa) senyum-senyum pastu macam teragak-agak ja nak tegur tapi dia tegur jugak tanya dari mana. Pastu muka dia happy gila bila dengar kitorang ni Muslim and dari some country faraway named Malaysia.

Ada sekali dua orang male teenagers ni discuss kuat-kuat asal-usul kitorang ni, bajet kitorang tak faham la tu, pastu bila ditenung, barula buat muka serba-salah pastu tanya, "Chinesisch? (Zipat?)"

Mungkin orang masih kaitkan agama itu dengan bangsa sedangkan agama dengan bangsa itu tidak interdependent. Kiranya kena muka Arab baru Islam, kalau muka Asia ni kena agama Asia. Lol.

Sometimes I just find their oblivion pretty amusing.

Zaman dolu-dolu sampai sini, lagila selalu orang ingatkan orang Thailand. Sawadeekaap. Kopkhunkaap. Siap ada orang tegur konfiden ja dia bantai cakap Thai. Padan muka diri sendiri hihi.

Tadi ada makcik Turki tu, takdak apa-apa lagi terus bukak cerita, tapi dalam bahasa Turki, ternganga la sat, pastu bila cakap kita tak faham, dia sambung cakap dalam Turki sambil senyum-senyum pastu belah. Pastu ingat kita orang Islam duduk German kena faham Turki ka makcik? Dah la sah-sah hidung cenni bukan orang Turki. Le sigh.

Selalunya kalau travel tempat yang memang tourist spots, orang jual souvenir mesti 99% of the time, depa teka asal-usul betul. Siap boleh cakap Melayu lagi. Sikit-sikit la. Setakat 'murah', 'terima kasih', 'selamat datang', 'apa khabar', 'Kuala Lumpur'. Orait la tu.

Setakat ni semua negara Asia orang dah penah teka la : Vietnam, Thailand, Filipina, Jepun, Cina. Hmm Korea ja tak pernah kena teka lagi. Haha. Ha. Bajet.

Tapi dalam banyak-banyak, yang paling legend, adalah : Mongol. Out of nowhere! Keturunan Genghis Khan beb!

Misundaztood

Are you one of those people who has songs that describe each specific era of your life?

"Erm, not really."

Fine. But if you are, like me, then you'll recognize the feeling when you hear a song which you haven't heard for so long once again and you'll see flashes of memories of that time before your eyes. And you can literally feel the way you felt at that time; the state of your mind, your outlook on relationship and life, your hopes and fears for the future.

Now I'm re-listening to Pink's first album and I remember going through all the adolescent teenage angst phase. It was funny! And very juvenile. Rasa poyo gila weh. Time tu, I remember I had this leopard-printed military-green canvas backpack, and I feel so cool. I hated pink and I used to walk with what I thought was a swagger, which now looking back on it is so embarrassing. I swore to never want to get married, because I wanted to become a zoologist and go live in a forest somewhere like Jane Goodall.

Thank God I outgrew this phase pretty fast.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who outgrew this angry phase. Listening to Pink's first record, I realize how her sound had evolved over the years. Back then, I would describe her music as being a fusion between soul and rock. I stopped listening to her record after her second one. Now she's more pop-pish, and well, more generic. But it's working out pretty good for her, so.

I was wearing my earphone and singing at the top of my lungs in the kitchen when Tash entered some time later saying that she could hear me sing from her room. Oh well.

In her first album Pink mostly sings about being not allowing herself being treated badly and being infected with this 'Girl Power!' virus, her songs became my anthem and I figured if ever it comes a day when a boyfriend would mistreat me in any way, I'll have the perfect song to help me through it.

Listening to the songs now is so funny. The lyrics just don't make sense.

Case of point 1 :

You can push me out the window,

I'll just get back up.

Dude, I'm no vampire. Depending on the level of floors of which you push me from, if I was lucky, I might escape with a few broken bones.

Case of point 2 :

You can run me over with your 18-wheeler truck,

And I won't give a fuck.

Sure right I won't give a fuck because I'd be dead and that's murder yo!

The Art of Doing

Far too often, we abuse the concept of 'tawakal'.

When faced with a difficult situation, we tend to just do the same thing over and over again, sometimes not even doing anything about it except that pray to God to push us through it. Instead of praying for strength to take on the challenge, we pray that God would take care of it for us, while we wait till the storm's over and pick up when the mess is all cleared up.

Of course, God could have granted our prayers, it would be far too easy for Him to do that, but then we wouldn't have learned anything from the experience. And what's the point of God putting hardship on our way in the first place?

Facts on Colors

Today I learn that colors are just illusions that are created in our brain.

The way I see a color might be different than you see color.

The way we perceive colors are strongly connected to the language we learn them and the experience attached to them while growing up. An indigenous tribe in Namibia who only has half as much basic vocabulary of colors than the Western world see the color of milk similar to the color of the river. But they can easily distinguish slightly different shades of lime green that we would find difficult to do.

Red literally makes time move slower.

Blue does the exact opposite.

Individual wearing red is more likely to win against his blue opponent. (experiment done on 2004's Olympic taekwondo matches)

The photosensitive ganglion cells in our eyes, responsible in controlling our circadian rhythm by sending signals to our brain to wake us up, are only sensitive to one wavelength of light which is blue. Note to self : find a blue bedside lamp.

Women are more affected by colors than men. "Yes I might have 3 brown cardigans in my closet already but not this shade of brown."

The more powerful or better a woman feels about herself, the more accurate her judgement on something might be (no surprise there, really).

The Incas vs. The Malays

Cuba sebut 'Machu Picchu', emphasize dekat setiap 'ch' tu. Cuba sebut dia berulang-ulang kali, sebut kuat-kuat tau, bukan dalam hati ja.

Haa tak cuba la tu. Degil.

Machu Picchu, the city of the sky, high on the top of Andes. If I somehow won a competition that would allow me to choose one manmade ancient structure I would love to visit, I won't even need to think about it, Machu Picchu wins, hands down. The Pyramids of Giza comes quite close in the second place because I would love to walk along the very narrow path inside the pyramids, even though just the thought of it is enough to make me feel suffocated already. I might not be a chronic claustrophobic but I hate confined space.

Which reminds me of last summer, when I made my mom and two of my little cousins visit a coastal battery built by British in Penang, which is now turned into a memorial. I insisted that we visited during the night, because they have this experience package, in which the real war situation is emulated to give you the feel of what's really going on during wartime. Our tour guide was dressed in complete military uniform, and as we were walking along while he explained the purpose of each building, the sound of shootings and bombs went off all around us. The sound effect was wicked, it felt so real that my little baby cousin cried and insisted on going home. Ah forget it, even I was sweating a bit from the sound alone. So we were led through tunnels and secret passages towards safety using the actual route that was allegedly used back then.

Nak dijadikan cerita, selain kami berempat, ada lagi empat orang lain dalam group malam tu, di mana salah seorang abang tu agak montel la jugak. Abang montel, wherever you are, jangan marah ek. Just telling it as it is. So time nak masuk secret short-cut tunnel tu, kena la pulak abang montel tu masuk tunnel tu dulu sebelum aku. Tunnel ni pulak kena merangkak, pastu panjang la pulak kan. Time merangkak tu tengok depan nampak bontot abang tu ja penuh tunnel, serius rasa tak boleh bernafas, nak patah balik ada orang la pulak kat belakang. Faham tak time tu rasa begitu trapped, rasa oksigen tak cukup, rasa macam tarik nafas tak penuh paru-paru, rasa macam nak pitam. Nasib baik la sebelum sempat nak pengsan, dah sampai hujungnya. Ibu time tu tak masuk tunnel tu, sebab Ariessa takut, so ibu teman Ariessa guna jalan luar. Tapi lepas tu Ariessa dah cool down sikit, ibu pon join balik panjat tangga antik, masuk tunnel semua. You're one cool mom! All in all, it was a really cool experience. Berbaloi jugak la untuk RM25 seorang. Cuma yang tak best tu, ada part-part yang depa cuba nak mistikkan, macam pedang samurai Jepun yang kononnya berhantu (macam tipu ja sebab dia gantung tinggi gila, tak bagi orang tengok betul-betul lettew), ular-ular berbisa penunggu bangunan yang kononnya tak pernah keluar cari makanan pon tapi hidup ja (tapi cuak gila bila lalu sebelah bilik tu tengok macam-macam ular kat dalam bilik yang tak berjaring tu bebas berkeliaran, lagi takut dari hantu tau). Melayu oh Melayu. Tak perlu pon puaka-puaka untuk mengsensasikan keadaan, the facts and the buildings pon dah impressive enough.

Where was I again? Oh sebenarnya cerita tadi tu nak buktikan the point pasal jalan dalam piramid. Masuk tunnel tu pon dah macam nak pitam, inikan pulak nak jalan dalam Pyramid, lagila lama, tapi teringin jugak. Tak pitam kot. Rasa ja macam nak pitam, tapi suck it in and carry on ja la. Macam roller-coaster la, sebenarnya diri sendiri penakut gila, tapi bila dah duduk strapped in the seat, baca doa banyak-banyak pastu jerit ja la bila roller-coaster tu start jalan.

Berbalik kepada Machu Picchu. Itu termasuk dalam must-visit list. InshaAllah suatu hari nanti. Rasanya semua documentary yang ada pasal Machu Picchu yang available kat internet dah ditengok. Pastu bila tengok mesti bertambah excited nak pi. Awat orang Inca time tu bijak sangat ntah?

Teringat pernah bincang hal ni dengan Encik Fudye, dulu masa kegemilangan kerajaan Sultan Melaka, masa Selat Melaka jadi perantaraan pedangang Timur dan Barat, kenapa takdak tinggalan bangunan sehebat kaum Inca kat Tanah Melayu? Ini semua buat dari kayu, bila perang kena bakar habis hilang. Bila aku cek balik fakta, Machu Picchu dibina pada tahun 1438, kemuncak pemerintahan kerajaan Melaka adalah pada masa Sultan Mansur Shah, iaitu bermula dari tahun 1459. Kira dekat-dekat la tu. Maknanya teknologi dan kemahiran untuk bina bangunan macam tu dah ada la. Ah, kalau nak ikut teknologi, Colosseum dibina lagi awal. Pyramids of Giza lagi la awal.

Kenapa orang Melayu dulu tak boleh bina? Lembah Bujang dah ada, lagi lama. Kiranya teknologi dan kemahiran tu dah sampai kat semenanjung. Takdak bahan mentah? Tipu la. Tenaga kerja tak cukup? Hang Tuah sanggup terjun lubang tahi nak retrieve kuda Sultan, menunjukkan betapa rakyat zaman tu patuh taat pada Sultan. Takkan tak boleh kerah tenaga rakyat untuk bina bandar dari batu? Manusia mati meninggalkan nama, tapi selain nama, kalau tinggal benda yang lagi konkrit kan lagi legend tu.

Lepas fikir punya fikir, Encik Fudye punya jawapan ialah, sebab Melayu mudah selesa. Istana kayu orait apa. Cantik gak. Tahan beratus-ratus tahun. Nak susah-susah guna batu untuk tahan ribu-ribu tahun buat apa? Kalau pergi museum kat Melaka sekarang, kebanyakannya replika ja tinggal.

Tadi tengok documentary pasal Machu Picchu lagi dengan Tasha. Lagi sekali bincang pasal topik ni. Kita kat Malaysia ada A Famosa dengan Kellie's Castle. Tapi dua-dua tu dibina oleh orang luar. Ada la pulak kan bahan mentah dengan tenaga buruh nak buat bangunan macam tu.

Kat Machu Picchu, teres yang dia buat dari batu kat lereng bukit tu, teknik tu masih digunakan sekarang untuk kurangkan efek tanah runtuh. Berkesannya teknik kaum Inca tu, sampai sekarang top soil dia masih intact. Lepas tu, kat dalam bandar tu, memang complete ada sistem pengairan semua, kira setiap rumah ada bekalan air untuk minum, mandi, cuci baju semua. Kita dulu ada sungai, so buat apa nak susah-susah buat sistem pengairan kan?

Fuh. Semangat kau ek Jera. Cakap orang Melayu dulu-dulu cepat contented la, pemalas la, tak berwawasan la, tak berpandangan jauh la. Cer cita sikit, apa perubahan besar kau dah buat untuk negara dan dunia hari ni?

Erk. Kthnxbye.

Update : Encik Fudye said he didn't remember ever saying that -.-'' so we went through thisconversation. Again. He came up with a kinder more plausible answer me think. Katanya orang Melayu seni dia halus, so lagi senang untuk diinterpret kan ke dalam seni ukiran kayu. Kemahiran tu dah lama ada dalam masyarakat Melayu so maybe over the generations their focus on perfecting the skills in carpentry kinda overshadow the need for the expertise in masonry. Sounds logical. Too bad wood is not fire-resistant or else we would have been able to appreciate the remnants of our once legendary kesultanan Melaka's civilization.

Jangan Jatuh

Taktau plak Fynn Jamal ni nyanyi. Ingat dia blogging ja. Jumpa video dia dari video Taharasuiko, si gila yang genius tu. I meant that as a compliment.

Teringat zaman dulu-dulu setiap kali bila masuk pertandingan sajak, mesti Papa akan volunteer untuk tunjukkan macam mana cara nak menjiwai sajak tu. Mesti dia buat over gila. Kalau ada perkataan 'merangkak' hah nanti dia suruh pi dekat dinding buat-buat nak merangkak. Pastu, untuk dramatization, sebelum setiap ayat, kena tarik air liur guna lidah, you know, the kind that Nasir Bilal Khan always does in his acting.

Usually I would listen but in the end I would just do my own thing.

Suara Fynn ni sedap. Performance dia yang ni gila best. Bila dengar untuk first time tadi, ternganga sekejap.

Of Being.

Pernah tak time jalan-jalan pastu terserempak seseorang yang terus membuatkan dalam hati terdetik, "Walla, that is one cool chick/dude." Itu dengan nada positif. Kalau negatif plak bunyi macam ni, "Huk aloh bajet cool la tu."

Ok terdistract sekejap. Baru lepas baca blog feveret. Berseni gila bahasa, padat gila mesej. Terasa apa yang sudah ditaip dan bakal tertaip ni akan jadi sampah.

Alah. Macam tak biasa pulak.

Anyways. Lagi satu kes plak, pernah tak kita rasa seseorang tu sangatlah cool, lepas add dia kat Facebook atau lepas kenal dia di luar alam maya, after a while, we realized that that someone is not as cool as we thought he/she initially was? It could be his/her pretentiousness in musical taste (or lackthereof), his/her over-obsession with camwhoring (in the toilet, worst!) and uploading it every other day, incessant self-conceited status updates..you get the point.

So we came to a conclusion that they are actually not any cooler than us. Good.

Pastu pernah tak kita terfikir, yang mungkin ada orang lain pernah terfikir benda yang sama pasal kita.

We are rarely ourselves when we are online. Memangla guna nama sendiri, gambar kat profile pon gambar sendiri (albeit a better-looking version of us, I mean, we are lucky if we look as good as our profile picture half of the time in real life), info dekat profile pon semua fakta, tapi cara kita present ourselves to the world tu, most of the time mesti tak 100% honest. Sebab bila kita nak post gambar, status, apa-apa pon, mesti kita fikir pasal audience kita yang akan tengok gambar tu nanti, baca status tu nanti, so kita olah apa yang kita nak present tu in a way that the audience will see us in the light that we want them to see us. Macam berlakon la jugak. Dalam reality TV show sendiri. Kadang-kadang kena bawak watak cool, kadang-kadang watak kawaii, kadang-kadang kena berpolitik sedikit, kadang-kadang kena jadi feminist, kadang-kadang kena amar makruf, kadang-kadang kena jadi oh-so-funny, kadang-kadang kena happening baru tak nampak loser sangat.

Oh lagi satu, terperasan yang beberapa orang kat Facebook dah mula buang tahun kelahiran dari tarikh lahir. Don't tell me, we've reached that stage already.

Lepas tu sekarang, semua berlumba-lumba nak jadi liberal. Don't you know, liberalism is the new cool? Sometimes I feel that people are too willing and too eager to readjust their values in order to accommodate these liberal views. Then there's the people at the other end of the spectrum, those who tend to reject everything unfamiliar that comes their way without entertaining even the thought of a discussion.

So the point of this post?

It's pretty pointless actually.

Cuma terfikir, bila kita kisah sangat apa orang sekeliling cakap, kita akan berusaha untuk bentuk dan bina imej kita jadi versi 2.0, versi yang kita bayangkan kita patut jadi. And we go through all that hassle, untuk buktikan dan tunjukkan kat siapa? Untuk diri sendiri? Mungkin. Tapi manusia ni creature of habit, pemalas nak mampos, cuba kalau bumi diserang epidemik zonmbie, semua orang mati, pastu tinggal kau sorang-sorang manusia last, kiranya takdak manusia lain untuk judge kau, will you still be the you that you strive to be now? Jadi untuk siapa, untuk keluarga dan saudara-mara? Debatable. Untuk ex-boy/girlfriend untuk membolehkan kita say it to their face, "your loss"? Untuk boy/girlfriend sendiri supaya dia tak cari lain? Hmm. Kat beratus-ratus kawan-kawan kat Facebook yang nak dapat cakap setahun sekali tu pon payah? Kat stranger yang kita jumpa tengah jalan dan mungkin lepas tu tak akan jumpa dah? Kita patut jadi kita untuk siapa?

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

-On the Road.-

Hippie Baby

Instead of taking the tram, I decided to walk all the way to the park again today. I (think I've) lost a cm or two off of my waistline after the fasting month. Intend on keeping the current stat for a little while longer ergo the walking part becoming necessary.

I was halfway to the park when I saw a baby (he must have been no older than 15 months), walking out the door wearing pampers and nothing else, a pacifier in his mouth.

He has that cheeky gleam in his eyes, and was running away as if tasting freedom on his skin for the very first time.

I was like, fine, cute baby and all, now where's the mom?

I slowed down my pace, just to wait for someone, if not the mom, an older brother or sister then, to walk out of the door and watch over the baby.

One, two, three, four steps, and nobody appeared.

Okay this is not so fun anymore.

The baby stepped onto the soil which holds a tree to the ground on the side of the pavement, chuckling while at it. I cringed at the sight. Eughh. Better not be any dog poop there.

In a swift, the baby headed towards the main road and my heart skipped a beat. Luckily traffic wasn't as heavy on this part of town, heck on this part of the world even. I took the baby by the arm and led him back to the pavement.

I asked him, in German, "Where is your mama?" to which he repeated happily after me, ''Mama." This went on several times. *sweats*

I took him to the door from which I saw him coming out from just now. There must have been like 15 names beside the front door that I wasn't sure if ringing all the bells would be a good idea.

I asked him, again, "What is the name of your mama?" to which he again ever-so-happily repeated the word ''Mama." *sweats some more*

O-K. This is going to be pretty hard. What should I do with this baby???

Just as I was considering to adopt this cute baby, a boy of about 5-6 years old opened the door, took the baby by the hand, all the while keeping his eyes on me without saying a word, and closed the door in my face.

"Well, you're welcome for saving your lil' brother from being hit by a tram, which would surely get you grounded like forever!!"

This Is Going To Be A Very Long Post

I was never very good at observing my surrounding through the lens of a camera, because doing so feels too obstructive of the present moment. It might also be due to self-conceitedness, that the idea of capturing the surrounding without me being in the frame doesn't seem so appealing. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

I think nothing beats taking in your surrounding, especially if you have never been to that place before, using all of your worldly senses. Like the smell. The sound. Your feeling towards that precise moment, towards what you are seeing for the first time.

Maybe that's just another excuse. Maybe I've realized that I'm just not good at taking pictures that I simply gave up and leave it to someone else.

There's a line in a song that goes like this : 'Pictures only prove you can't convince.' But this is the age of digital memory we are talking about. The age of Facebook, where nothing actually takes place until pictures to serve as proof are shared on your profile. Memories are not real until they are etched on pixels.

********************

Anyways. What prompted me on this quite pointless train of thought is watching the Narvaez family's vlogs. Rajin sungguh bapa mereka si Jorge record every event yang kadang-kadang tak eventful sangat pon tapi sebab telatah anak-anak dia comel sangat terpaksa tengok video berulang-ulang kali. I mean, who can not like Eliana and those cheeks? I've always had and never been able to shake this feeling of apprehension when it comes to the idea of giving birth; everything about it - starting from to the natural changes that are bound to happen to your body, to the morning sickness, to the 9-month period of carrying a huge belly around, to the pushing part - scares the hell out of me. But seeing these adorable kids growing up before your eyes with a set of loving parents that dot on the, it really stirs that instinct inside of me, you know. That one day, this is what I want. To raise a family.

Tapi tapi tapi. Maternal instinct tu kena suppress dulu ok, not in the next 5-6 years ok.

Bila tengok vlogs mereka, tetiba rasa, kan best kalau parents dulu ada buat video masa aku tengah baby pastu membesar. Teringin nak tengok. Because sometimes, as good as it feels to just live in the moment, memories do fail us. At least, if they did, I would have been able to listen to my dad voice now because I'm afraid that soon I would forget.

Kesimpulannya di sini, lepas ni nak beli video cam la satu. Takpon camera yang canggih sikit, yang kualiti video pon best. Kalau malas nak tangkap sendiri, cari suami yang rajin layan tangkap gambar, ok?

Ok. Back to si comel Eliana. These past few days, Encik Fudye was, after quite some time, reunited with the internet again and the first thing I asked him to check out was, guess what, Eli's videos! so that next time I talk about one of Eli's antics, he'll know what I am talking about. Encik Fudye pon terpaksa la tengok semua video-video yang dia dah miss hehe.

Is it weird/creepy to feel so fond and form some kind of an attachment towards someone who doesn't even know you? I think it's not that different from celebrity crushes, except that this is less superficial I think, because what people are most interested in when it comes to Jorge and his family is the substance that makes them the real person they are, not their looks, their voice or talent. I mean there are far more talented singers out there but there's just something so endearing watching them sing.

"Sorry my daddy...." Awww, I mean, it's not fair, how can one stay mad at this cute little thing after that line??

********************

So I've been spending the past few days finishing off my reading in the park.With autumn looming just around the corner I figure it's best to make full use of the beautiful weather we were grazed with lately.

Plus without the distraction that my room poses, with the internet and all, the park provides a sanctuary for me to immerse myself in Kafka's work. Or at least, attempt to.

I find that Kafka's narration is at times too arduous and boring that I can't seem to finish it even though I've had this book for quite some time now. And I am not talking about a whole novel, just a book of collection of his short stories. So double fail for me.

Now I believe that he meant the stories to be boring. He was talking in metaphors about living the mundane lives of being confined within the structure that had been put upon us. First school, then college, then work, then you work to earn more which gets you bigger house and faster car and in return you work more, retirement follows 30 years later.

We think too much about things that do not amount too much in the grander scheme of things; like clothes for instance, or how others perceive us, and our fear of failing, our need to have every little thing under control. Life doesn't work that way. There's always a curveball ready to throw you off track when you least expect it.

Once you finish reading his stories, you have to allow yourself some time to reflect upon it, during which the genius behind his writing will slowly unravel itself, which will lead you to reread it, just so to make sure there isn't anything that you've missed the first time around. For instance, when you realize that the main character in Metamorphosis who turned into a cockroach-like insect is a representative of the working class people, when you read the story one more time, you'll see how every little detail in the story makes sense within that context.

So far I've read 5 stories and my favorite havsto be Metamorphosis. Predictable. Oh well.

Reading and finally understanding Kafka in the park on a bench overlooking the tranquil lake, occasionally sipping on cold Starbucks's Seattle Latte, damn I feel so cool, the kind of cool that only bookworms know how. So lame.

********************

Two of my close friends got engaged in last week alone. Called to congratulate them, secretly (not-so-secret I guess) wishing that I'll be next in the near future..

Being so open and forthcoming in my view on this matter, I've gotten far more cynical remarks from those who deem marriage to be the antithesis of coolness than I care to keep count of.

Remarks such as, "Aii, tak sabaq nak kahwin dah ke?" will usually be met by a straight-faced, "Haah." Selalunya lepas tu orang tu tak kata apa dah. Senang. Paling tak pon, dia akan kata, "Gatal," pastu topik tersebut akan tamat di situ.

"Lek lu, tak cool la kahwin awal-awal, enjoy dulu," itupun salah satu respon popular jugak.

Where do people get this notion, that marriage is the end to all fun in the world? I mean, when you marry, you intend to stay married forever right, but if marriage means you shall forego any fun thereafter, that is too high a price to pay to be married to anyone I think. I mean, who do you have in mind of being married to?? Doesn't sound like a fun person to be around with..

There's like hundreds of perks of being married that I can come up with right now. It's like an ongoing date, except that you don't have to say goodbye at the end of the day. If you don't feel like going out but still wants to spend time with each other you can just stay home. You can not only start mapping out your future together, but live it instead. Instead of waiting to tell about your day to each other on the phone, you can just talk about it face to face.

Ok stop.

Note to self : Tak payah nak menggatal sangat-sangat lagi. Buat apa yang patut dulu, cukupkan apa yang tak cukup lagi, baru fikir pasal kahwin.

********************

I think 24 years-old is not too early or too late to start being an adult and take responsibility of people other than yourself.

Life Gets Lonely When Everybody Wants Something

Among other things that I found while de-cluttering yesterday was SMSs from my dad printed on paper as I was sure sooner or later something was going to happen to my phone and I was right. My favourite is this one:

Askum manja. Exam kalini score ok. Achtung baca bismillah dulu. Bye.

That really made me smile, not in a sad kinda way though, as I remembered how I thought to myself at that time that it was probably the first time he ever used the word 'Achtung' in kind-of a correct way. Believe me, before this, the word 'Achtung' kept appearing in his messages at the most random places! Hahaha!

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Ramadhan is coming to an end and to tell you the honest-to-God truth, the prospect of being able to start the day with caffeine and have caffeine boost throughout the day again is pretty inviting, but I am also dreading Raya as it nears.

First because the change of plan, which obviously has affected the mood of dearie roommate about Raya and celebrating it which in turn affects mine.

Second is the fact that Raya is never going to be as fun as it used to be. Not this year. Not next year. Not even the next year. You see, Raya is about celebrating it with close families and when you take that out of the equation, it will be just like any other day except that two-rakaat prayer in the moring and that 'costume' you wear (new or recycled) that you'll probably only wear 2-3 times a year going to kenduri. That and lots of kuih raya and ketupat. What good will all that be without the chaos of relatives gathering together kat kampung? It'll be far too boring that I keep wishing friends around Alor Star to come back from wherever their kampung is and pick me up to hang out.

Besides, it's just too heartbreaking to watch Maktok's heartbreak playing out in front of my eyes. Last year she refused to wear her baju raya in the morning. It takes a lot of persuading before she finally, reluctantly agreed. This year Mom said they are going to spend Raya in a hotel with the best view there is in Batu Feringghi. Ayahsu and family will join later.

I know my Mom's intention is to take Maktok away somewhere she can forget but you can take her halfway around the world and still she can't forget.

Sometimes I feel like physically shaking those certain family members until some sense got into them. I don't know if anyone is ever man enough to man up and put an end to this. But you know. The damage that words cause sometimes are so severe it can't be undone. Itulah orang Melayu dulu-dulu cakap, terlajak kata badan binasa.

I just hope that time is forgiving enough to let Maktok has the chance to see her close-knit family coming back together like before again.

********************

I feel blessed. Sebab bila difikirkan my relation to God compared to what He had blessed and is blessing me and my family with, macam sedikit tak padan pon ada. For that I am grateful. Rasa nak cuba jadi baik sikit la lepas ni. You know, simple stuff like tak mau mengata orang atau berprasangka buruk atau menghukum, and if I can't help forming those nasty words inside my head I want to try not to say them out loud. Because being a bitch is so last season. Harap-harap bukan hot-hot chicken excrement.

Another Saturday

Boyfriend told me he recently read my blog and found one post particularly funny, to the point that he said something like "never thought you were that funny". I should have been slightly offended and I actually did but I was still pretty flattered all the same.

So I asked him which post he was referring to. Later I found out he meant the one I wrote in Bahasa, in which I attempted to berpuitis sedikit. Which was never meant to be funny at all in the first place! Didn't he know I used to represent my school in Pertandingan Sajak back then and win? Darah puitis tu ada la kiranya sikit-sikit walaupun dah tak ditonjolkan sekarang. Heh.

Anyways.

I was sorting through my stuff, like really sorting through the clutters that I'm keeping to figure out which should be chucked out and which I need/want. Being someone who easily sees flashes of memories and emotional attachment in material things, it was pretty hard to let go some of the stuff I have. That reminds me of this TV Show calls 'Hoarders' which features people basically doing what I did today but their situation is 100 times more extreme. These people even got hundred thousands of dollar worth of fine from the state because the cluttering is so critical it might impose danger to the neighbour.

With that TV Show in mind, I shouldered on, tossing one thing after another into the bin bag, to proof that I am not mentally ill like the people on Hoarders. At the end of the day, the result was 3 giant bags of garbage and a huge stack of papers and magazines that stand a little higher than my waist. I didn't cry or slumped into depression afterwards like the people in the show did so I guess I am normal.

While going through some papers I found a poem printed on a yellow piece of paper, already frayed at the edges and torn at some places. I had this since my MRSM years! I used to stick it on the wall beside my bed, along with posters of Lifehouse and The Calling, which were later pulled down because a friend of a roommate told us someone saw a giant hairy thing hanging from the outside of the window of our room. Katanya sebab ada poster orang malaikat tak masuk bilik, so hantu pon suka la jadikan bilik tu tempat penginapan.

I remember thinking that the ghost that someone had described looks a lot like Yeti. I thought Yeti lives in the Himalaya?? Or maybe they are right, that Yeti/Bigfoot is really a makhluk halus after all, that's why despite numerous report of sightings (most of them are probably fake anyway) nobody ever captured that sanovebich? Pardon my French.

Back to the poem, there's a feeling that this thing is something ancient, a piece from the life that seems so distant now. So you can imagine I was feeling quite excited stumbling upon this poem again. A little bit of story behind the poem : I actually stole my mom's diary that she kept when she was 17. Nothing really personal in it, my mom just pasted clippings of poems she cut out from magazines. But I suspect that she chose poem which reflects her own feelings for each day which leads to some speculation on my part..whatever.

So this poem happens to be one of my favourite. Nothing of the deep, poetic kind but I like the message though. I thought I'd share it with you :

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round

Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast

Time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly

When you ask, "How are you?" do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast

Time is short, the music won't last.

Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die

Cause you ever had the time to call and say "Hi"?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast

Time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You would miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day

It is like an unopened gift..thrown away...

Life is not a race do take it slower

Hear the music before the song is over.

It could be strangers exchanging gestures on the street or a scene in a random movie.

You'll feel like somewhere some time in the future or in the past, you couldn't tell, you have seen the scene actually played out, and you are the character in the scene.

It could be a song, a smell, a sound, anything at all.

That transport you to that familiar place.

Better known as deja vu, but deja vu doesn't quite explain it.

This, is more real than a deja vu.

Daily Dose

Friends, if you are in for a quick daily dose of blogs, I would recommend these two of my favorites.

1) Mojology

Mo really puts the Mo in Mojo. You know how people nowadays use 'lol' as a punctuation when they have nothing left to say when really, they are just sitting there typing with a straight-face without so much as a chuckle coming out of their mouth? Well, in my case, if I said I lol-ed a lot while reading this blog, I kinda lied to. I didn't actually laugh out loud.

But I sure does chuckle. With a far higher frequency too than I normally would reading other blogs.

p.s : I doubt that the pickup lines he suggested would ever work in real life, but they are hilarious. Someone give this guy a show of his own!

2) Hadi Frust Tapi Malas

Ini Hadi, bukan Anwar Hadi. Dia sangat cool. I swear I've came up with some quite clever sentences to describe his blog but I kinda forgot and it's late now I need my coffee. Silalah ushar blog ni kalau dah bosan dengan blog-blog lain. Cerita fiksyen dia lawak.

One of Those Days

Yay to an unproductive Monday. I overslept, decided it was too late to go to the lab and deceived myself into believing that the time spent at home would be well-spent, in which I shall start on the write-up and now 7 hours later, not a single word has been produced in the yet to exist pages.

Half an hour before I should start cooking for berbuka.

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Do you know that India has 1 billion population, which is 1/6 of the world's total inhabitants? I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact. In the heart of Mumbai, there lies what's supposed to be the biggest slum on Earth called Dharavi, in which 1 million people call their home. The majority of the household here do not have running water; they have to collect water from the main pipe every morning for their everyday use. Amazingly, almost every household has cable TV, with 150 channels. Takdak air takpa, Shah Rukh Khan kena ada.

Forgive my nerdiness, but all my favorite TV shows are on hiatus for the summer and I'm stuck watching documentaries for the moment.

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Few weeks back I watched Leon the Professional which is the debut film for the Natalie Portman. I was stunned by the beauty of the then 12-year-old starlet. I mean, she was not pretty the way a pretty 12-year-old should be; her beauty resembles more like that of an adult but with an air of innocence. Reminds me Nabokov's controversial character, Lolita.

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The world is coming apart at its seams and we still care of what our so-called friends on Facebook are up to.

But then again, what else should and could we do, right?

I wonder, which one is better; to be someone who cares about other people's feelings which makes us sometimes make promises that we might not be able to keep or be someone who simply doesn't give a royal eff?

Tough call.

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Oh and by the way, I stumbled upon this very interesting argument against Darwinism in one of Obe's blog's comment :

Protein cannot form unless the cell exists as an integral whole.

Darwinists can write as many deceptive books jam packed with formulae, produce as many false fossils as they like, make as many demagogic assaults on the scientific evidence for Creation as they choose or stick posters up full of fantastical illustrations and present these as exhibitions of evolution all over the place, but none of this will ever change the fact of their fundamental defeat. Because the worst nightmare for Darwinists is the very beginning of life. Darwinists HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO PRODUCE A SINGLE EXPLANATION of how just one protein came into being. This is an expression of the despairing situation into which, Dawkins, Futuyma, Tim White and all other Darwinists now find themselves. None of this demagoguery can resolve this great and stupendous rout in the face of a single protein. A SINGLE PROTEIN HAS TOTALLY DEMOLISHED DARWINISM.

This fact is of great importance in terms of the defeat of Darwinism:
- DNA is essential for a single protein to form
- DNA cannot form without protein
- Protein cannot form without DNA
- Protein cannot form in the absence of protein
- Sixty separate proteins are needed for a single protein to form
- Protein cannot form in the absence of any one of these
- Protein cannot form with no ribosome
- Protein cannot form with no RNA
- Protein cannot form without ATP
- Protein cannot form without the mitochondria to manufacture ATP
- Protein cannot form without the cell nucleus
- Protein cannot form without the cytoplasm
- Protein cannot form in the absence of a single organelle in the cell
- And proteins are necessary for all the organelles in the cell to exist and function
- There can be no protein without these organelles

for more details:

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I have been searching waiting for a scientific explanation against Darwin's theory. It's not that I was ever swayed by the theory, I know I am not of the primate descendant, but the heart and the mind sometimes crave for something more concrete. I haven't read the link but will do later. This shall make for an interesting discussion with any atheist/agnostic I might encounter in the future.

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One of those time when you stumble upon one of God's perfect specimen in real life who seem to have everything in life. And you begin to look into yourself in shades of grey.

But really, if you look closer, you'll realize that you do have everything too.

Guinea Piggy On A Diet

"A healthy adult guinea pig should weigh around 0.8-1.2 kg."

Us : Awang, you have reached your limit. We shall hereby put you on a healthier diet regime. No food after 8p.m.

Awang : Oh noes.. *sadface*

Sunday Ranting

Kenapa kalau cakap dengan binatang peliharaan atau baby nak kena cakap manja-manja ala-ala babytalk? Mengapa? Bajet baby dengan pet tu boleh paham la eh? Kalau depa paham rasanya mesti depa annoyed dengan orang dewasa yang babytalk ni. Baby babytalk comel la, kalau orang tua? Meluga. Tapi nak buat canna, dah kira macam default dah, bila cakap dengan pet atau baby ja memang automatik akan keluar babytalk. "Olololo pandainyeeee dieeee, cubit pipi geramnyeeee..." SIGH.

Ish compare baby dengan pet, tak patut sungguh.. Tapi la kan, kalau cara orang tu handle pet boleh dikira pakai dengan cara dia layan anak nanti, anak aku nanti mesti akan spoiled gila. Semoga dia tak jadi Tanggang.

Sebelum puasa haritu dah terbayang-bayang tahun ni kena puasa 18jam, hah sudah, mau pengsan camni. Ask anyone close to me, and they'll tell me what I'll turn into when I'm hungry. Add lack of sleep into the equation, and I'll turn into a monster you don't want to have anything to do with. Tapi bila dah puasa ni, takdakla rasa teruk sangat sampai nak pengsan. Kalau kat Malaysia atau hari-hari biasa, kalau tak dapat makan tiga kali sehari rasa nak mengamuk. Bukak puasa sekarang ni pon makan nasi dalam portion yang sederhana. Kalau kat Malaysia, dah makan nasi dagang, murtabak makan lagi. Tu tak termasuk kuih-muih lagi. Haihh.. Semoga lepas ni boleh kekalkan pemakanan macam sekarang. Dan juga kurangkan aktiviti-aktiviti tak berfaedah yang menjadi kelaziman sebelum bulan Ramadan ni.

Sekarang ni tengah diskas resipi untuk makan hari raya. Sambil diskas sambil telan saliva. Haihh. Sedapnya tengok gambar marbled chocolate almond cookies. Sedapnya kuih peneram (kuih racist). Sedapnya apam balik nipis yang crunchy kat tengah dia manis masin tu. Just like that, we got sidetracked.

Anyways, tetiba terasa excited plak nak tunggu raya. Nak masak banyak-banyak jamu orang seantero doshland. Mak ai hahaha. Ntahla, rasa seronok plak get together ramai-ramai buat kuih raya sambil dengar lagu raya. Semua orang ada specialty sendiri yang nak dimasak. Tak sabar rasa. Oh dan harap-harap tahun ni boleh pergi sembahyang raya. Tak pernah lagi sembahyang raya kat sini.

Harini bukak puasa nak makan KFC. Kena bersiap-sedia.

Have a great week ahead ebelibadi.

Lately

Pedulikan. Motto hidup yang baru.

Kanan difikirkan, kiri direnungkan, diri sendiri bertambah runsing.

Biar mereka dibuai empuk hidup masing-masing. Diri sendiri, biar diterbangkan arus semasa dunia. Harap akhirat tak lupa dikejar sama.

Tak peduli, tak bererti tak sayang, cuma melepaskan sedikit erat genggam tangan, kurangkan ambil kisah. Supaya perasaan akhirnya tak terguris, langsungnya diri tak menghukum. Paling tidak, dapat kurangkan sedikit catatan dosa yang berduyun-duyun di buku kiri, bukan?

Sekian, terima kasih.

Kalaulah ianya semudah bicara.

Renaissance Man

"James Franco likes going to school. In fact, he still is, studying for his doctorate in English at Yale University, while fitting in movie and television appearances on the side.

He enrolled at UCLA as a freshman the same year he graduated from Palo Alto High School in 1996, but that didn’t last long, as he decided to give acting a chance.

That gambit worked exceedingly well, but Franco still wanted an education. He returned to UCLA in the fall of 2006, at age 28, cramming as many courses as he could into each quarter. His course load ranged from 20 to 62 credits per quarter (anyone wanting to do more than 19 a quarter needs special permission), all the while maintaining a grade point average of above 3.5.

He was awarded with a bachelor’s degree in English, with a creative writing concentration in June 2008, at which point he headed for New York and enrolled in not one or two schools but three: Columbia University’s M.F.A. writing program; Brooklyn College for creative writing; and NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts for directing.

He earned a masters degree from Columbia and then moved on to Yale, where he is now studying for a doctorate in English."

-Excerpt taken form The Answer Sheet.

That, in between undertaking numerous roles in movies and other art-related personal projects. Franco, dude, how'd you do it? You make the rest of us average people feel like slackers.

His brother said while staying in his apartment for a period of time, he had taken over James' bedroom as he said James never liked to go into his bedroom to sleep, preferring to doze off amidst working on his latest project or studying. James said going to the bedroom to sleep is like 'surrendering'.

So next time we found ourselves on the verge of blaming the perpetually guilty enemy of ours, 'time', stop and think again.

Clearing of the Noises

One of the most expensive coffee in the world is Kopi Luwak, mainly produced in Indonesia.

From the picture above you can see that they are just coffee beans being stuck together with something gooey like honey or something. At least that's what I first thought when I saw it. But looks can be very deceiving they say, and in this case, that's an understatement.

This is where it gets interesting. Take a look at the picture again. Ready?

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You are actually looking at some shit. Poop. Turd. Whatever you want to call it.

Basically, these people in Indonesia, they feed these particular species of civets coffee beans and apparently the process taking place in the civets' digestive tracts makes the coffee taste better, don't ask me how. So whatever waste leaving the civets' anus, they collect and process to turn them into coffee.

Which arises the obvious curious question, how did they think about the idea of coffee made from a civet's excrement in the first place?

The civets are pretty scary looking in the picture below, not one of those animal that you'd think of eating anything coming out of its ass, come to think of it, I wouldn't want to eat anything coming out of anything's ass, no matter how cute the owner of the ass is!

I found videos on YouTube and these creatures are actually very friendly and playful; perfect candidate for a pet. What's more, their poop can be turned into one of the most expensive coffee in the world. Talk about being frugal.

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Back in primary school, I remember I have this two very close friends (let's call them K and F), whom I still occasionally meet up. At the same time, I was also close to this other girl (let's call her A), who is a member of a clique led by B.

To better understand the dynamics of their friendship, A and B are like Serena and Blair, leader of the pack, and in any pack you can't never have more than one queen. When they fought, they really fought like it's the end of the world, but no sooner than tomorrow, they would be best friends again.

Whenever A and B fought, A would always spend more time with me; we would spend recess together, go for toilet walks together, you know, stuff 11-year-old do. Which would result in me more or less abandoning my other friends K and F, or rather, not having much time left to spend with them. Soon as A made up with B, they would become inseparable again, and I would continue our friendship with K and F as usual. I thought everything was cool, you know.

This cycle repeated itself a few times before I received a letter under my desk. I still remember that it was written on a cute Space Jam's letter set, complete with printed envelope. F wrote that she felt used, that I kept switching between them and A, that they felt as if I didn't appreciate them enough. I didn't remember the exact words but it was something pretty poetic (as poetic as an average 11-year-old could be) about being treated like toys that you can pick up whenever you wanted and discard whenever they are not of use anymore.

Sayangnya beberapa tahun yang lalu, loteng kat rumah kena anai-anai attack, so semua surat-surat dan kad raya terpaksa dibuang. Kalau tak epic gila kot boleh baca balik surat zaman kanak-kanak ni. Lagi best kalau tunjuk kat orang yang hantar surat tu pastu gelak sama-sama.

It was at that point I first had a taste of how complicated relationships can be.

I think friendship is best kept without the complexity of a romantic relationship. It should be effortless. There shouldn't be guilt, shouldn't be jealousy, shouldn't be rivalry. Real gems in friendship are the ones that you can revisit time after time with ease. As if the time and the physical distance that had kept you apart never existed.

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First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Kelly Jones

I never knew Kelly Jones did a cover of this song. It was *puts hand on shoulder, rolls eyes* nothing less than awesome, of course.

I remember the days when my mom used to play Celine Dion's cassette non-stop in the car's stereo and I would try to sing along to her powerful voice singing this song. Of course, I failed gloriously. No. We failed gloriously. But blasting the car's speaker at full blast, singing a song that is way out of your vocal range, pretending that the singer's voice is actually yours, is pretty therapeutic. We had a lot of fun. My mom wouldn't let me change the cassette anyway so might as well join her.

The lyrics of the song had always fascinated me. Coupled with a heartfelt melody, it is hard not to feel the powerful yet tender emotion that the writer must have felt towards that special someone when he wrote this song. Hearing this song again today, for some reason I don't understand, almost made me tear up.

Well, come to think of it, as of late, anything remotely emotional will make me tear up.

I want this version of the song to be played on ze big day.

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This is what I would like to see happening in Malaysia : People are allowed to have discussions about Islam with those of religious authority which includes questions being asked without any party being defensive and offended about it.

Our culture has trained us not to ask questions when it comes to the core of our religion and that we are expected to just do what we are supposed to do and that's that. Why? Are they afraid that they might not be able to answer the questions?

Just because some questions have no clear answers does not mean that there are no answers. And just because one asks, does not mean that one doubts. That's the point of discussing; to learn, to understand something better.

The way I see it, this culture of no-questions-allowed might have been one of the reason which has driven some people, born and raised as Muslims in our society, to believe that Islam is beneath their intelligence level. Which is not accurate and unfortunate.

For me personally, I don't expect to get concrete answers about some of the lingering questions I might have, but I would definitely appreciate the willingness of ustaz, ustazah, ulama to talk to me about what they do know. To respect my curiosity and not to quickly dismiss me of being an ungrateful servant of God by asking too much. Questions do not always equal to interrogation.

Tetiba terfikir, kalau kat Malaysia, mana nak belajar agama eh? Kalau pergi masjid dengar ceramah, tak boleh bertanya banyak-banyak kat ustaz sebab kaum perempuan duduk belakang.