Bulletproof

Kahwin

Sekarang ni kalau balik kampung jumpa orang tua-tua mesti soalan sama ja depa nak tanya, "Haa yang ni bila nak langsung ni?" sambil senyum bermakna.

Tok, kalau tok tak sabaq tengok Atiqka kahwin, Atiqka laaaagila berganda tak sabaq dari tok hihihi.

Kalaulah boleh jawab sebegitu.

Oh tok-tok sekarang walaupun tak ada facebook, layan facebook anak-anak mereka jugak rupanya. "Oh tu la ada tengok gambaq kat fesbuk haritu." Sigh. Lupa pulak pernah add kawan-kawan sekampung dan adik-beradik bau-bau bacang. Rasanya ada gambar yang kurang appropriate pernah diupload. Fine lepas ni kena lebih berhati-hati.

The photos I've uploaded I won't even consider showing to more than half of the friends on my list. When put it that way, it's weird to wrap my head around it. I know not many of them even bother what I'm up to so they'll probably just leave my profile alone but still. It's pretty weird. Facebook is fast becoming a gray area, devoid of privacy despite its privacy setting, best avoided these days. A Facebook phone, Zuckerberg? No thanks.

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Bloody

One of the more thoughtful things someone could do to me is not to get bloodily (literally) hurt in my presence. Yesterday my mom cut her finger badly in the kitchen; the cut was pretty deep, blood was streaming out steadily from it. She asked me to put a bandaid on it, but blood kept gushing out so it was hard for the bandaid to stay put, harder for me to focus. There were lots of screaming and shouting that the commotion made my grandma, who was in the bedroom, rushed out and specifically asked me if everything's ok.

No point in guessing, between me and my mom, who was screaming the loudest because of the cut.

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Lesen

Esok start proses ambil lesen. 5 jam dengar ceramah. Tried thinking of ways to weasel my way out of this since I've already taken the computer test (and passed!) ages ago. Oh well. Bring some book to doodle.

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Deutsch

Apa gunanya tulis German language dalam resume kalau when the time comes, you're not willing to step up? But the thought of being the one responsible for bridging of people who do not speak a common language well, simply put, it scares the shit out of me. Plus, the qualified friend for this kind of stuff is not available so it might mean I have to do this alone which is 100 times scarier. Yes, I'm that chickenshit I don't want to do it alone.

Not sure of how bad (or good) their English is, still in the dark of the scope of the visit (if there'll be a formal meeting or something which means I'm doomed), and haven't given my final answer yet but hey, this might just be the break that'll be it.

Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Who knows where this will lead. *cakap untuk sedapkan diri*

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Bell Jar

Read the novel for the first time and what surprised me was how normal she was at the beginning. Which offers the possibility that we all are not that far away from the edge after all. Found out that she first published the book under a nom de guerre; and a bulb lights up in my head.

I can relate to her frustration of her inability to write though our reasons are miles apart. She can't find it in her to put the words together because of her depression; I can't seem to find the right medium to channel the words to. Writing in my own privacy, just for my own sake, without any audience, lacks its certain appeal, that in the end I've always found myself dragging the .doc and dumping it into the Trash can (yes, I'm on team Apple). Feels like a twisted practical joke the world is playing on me that my boyfriend might not be far off from being right on this one particular thing which has been a long-run debate between us; that I might enjoy attention more than I like to admit. Pffft.

Perhaps if I write now while believing that it'll get published later, way later once I'm long gone, that might ignite the fire within me to write, and to be truly honest in my writing. By that time, no harm could be done, everyone in the story I wrote will be dead as night, and nobody will care to find out who the real person behind the made-up names of the characters. Who knows I'll win some post-humous award or some shit like that. In case the heirs of the characters decided to be assholic opportunists, suing over distress caused by the story, the money could go to shut their mouth up. Whatever, I'll be too dead with more pressing matter to deal with at that time anyway. In any case, everybody wins. No?

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Maal hijrah

Read on Facebook that a friend my age might have gone to perform her hajj this hajj season. At the age of 24. I kept rolling the thoughts over and over in my head and I still can't grasp the enormity of her decision. Clearly we are on very different pages of our lives despite the same age. The thought of performing hajj at this age never even have once crossed my mind and it made me ponder on the gap between me and the said friend and Him. I am forced to reevaluate my fights and it made me feel so small.

I hope I won't loose sight of the bigger picture. Here's to trying to be the better version of us.

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New blog?

I'm getting tired of this one. Thinking of starting anew.