The Malay Dilemma

"I am not ashamed to admit that I cannot compete with the Chinese and Indian students when studying medicine. They had much better results than me and the other six Malay students for entry into the Medical College.

It is not shameful to lose out against them. Simply to catch up with them we need handicaps. To be given handicaps is to ensure fairness, not discrimination."

-Tun Mahathir Mohamad-

I'm sorry Tun but I just have to disagree with you on this. To have handicaps spoon-fed to you all the way will only train you to get used to being one, not to progressively move forward without it.

I give Malay supremacists as much credit as Malays who underestimate their own race.

First thing first, let me try and make this as clear as possible, screw racial background. It has almost nothing to do with one's personal achievement. Besides environment and opportunity, the other important element in the equation is the will. For example, A is a normal kid who lives in a war-torn country, where access to education is next to impossible. B on the other hand, is considered luckier as his family has managed to relocate to another stable country before the war reached its peak. Chances are, B will be more successful in terms of education compared to A even though they are from the same race. That's logical. Right?

So why would students from the same country with the same opportunity to education be treated and evaluated differently? Why, because Chinese and Indians are generally smarter than Malays? Ouch. I am not an overtly proud person in general. It is not a big deal for me to own up to my own shortcomings openly to other people. But no, I am not going to accept your statement, Tun, which implies that our race is a stupid one.

My little cousin one day announced that he did OK in his exams. Though someone in his class managed to do better. When asked why, he simply answered, "He's an Indian." Like that's a perfectly normal answer. Like being an Indian or a Chinese automatically makes them smarter. Not their hardworking habit and their will to excel in what they do. What have we hammered into the brains of our younger lot? That we are generally less competent than our Chinese and Indian counterparts so that it is okay to accept it if we always fall short behind them? Or better still, not try at all? Oh come on, give me a break.

Why are we so afraid to get rid of our training wheels? Why are just the mere talk of the possibility of finally standing on our own two feet, without the help of a crutch that has in some way hinder our advancement got us all fired up?

This is the Malay dilemma. We should cut ourselves less slack.

God helps those who help themselves, right?

Snow

I said I wasn't excited for the snow this winter.

True.

But the moment the first drop of snow starts to fall down, it's like an almost magical feeling, that I can't help not to like it. I don't care about the cold, I created errands just so I could spend some time outside.

And it doesn't look like it's going to stop snowing anytime soon. Oh well. Can't do anything about it so might as well just try to live with it.

Be My Shooting Star.

Darling,

I'll be your lady,

I'll be your Lois Lane,

I'll be your Devil Angel,

I'll be your shooting star,

I can be your everything.

The 'Phonics concert was one of my best memories from last summer. It's the first time we went to a concert together.

And partly because Kelly Jone's voice was, like always, sex for the ears. For lack of other apt description.

Winter

I am not going to try to be positive about the approaching winter what with the snow already hitting some parts of Germany already.

I hate winter. With a passion.

It's so cold; makes me prone to getting constant brain freeze whenever I stay outdoor for more than 15 minutes, not to mention the shivering. Yeah sure it's a pretty sight waking up to a world covered up with a layer of fresh snow, kinda reminded me somehow of the pureness of the world, of how your whole life is spread out like a blank canvas before you for you to explore, yada yada yada. But like every beauty, it doesn't stay long. The next day, everywhere you walk, you'll notice that every corner of whiteness is melted and tainted by yellow spots, sometimes ughhh brown! Thanks to the overpopulation of dogs in Gelsenkirchen messing up my profound epiphany about the whole blank canvas thingy. How do you interpret and integrate that into the picture? To always be aware because in life there'll be dogs with bowel incontinence happily shitting all over your blank canvas?

Don't judge me. I love dogs. I think some of them are so cute sometimes I find myself almost reaching out and give them a back rub. But there should be laws citing that owners should pick up after their dogs' by-products, like in the States. It's just disgusting.

Where was I at? Oh on why I hate winter. First, it's cold. I don't care if students in Russia are saying, "-6 degree? Meh, that's like summer for us. Come try -40 here." Anything below 10 is no fun for me. Secondly, it's yucky (dog poo). Third, it's wet meaning it's very slippery; how's that for an added adventure for an already clumsy clown as it is like me. Fourth, the sun goes down at 4.30 p.m. like whattttt? But the last one is actually not really that bad. It gives me motivation to wake up early in the morning and not go back to bed after that because I do not want to miss the unfolding of the day and to soak up on every ray of sunlight. Plus I rarely ever have any evening or afternoon nap anymore. Daylight is too precious to miss around this time of the year.

Truth is, I'm over getting hyped on snow. Done. Seriously.

But as much as a winter-hater I am, there are just too much to look forward to this winter. Especially this winter.

First and foremost, like every winter, there'll be huge clearance sales on summer items everywhere you turn which is just too good to pass up. Damn you capitalist pigs, banking in on my weakness for clothes I don't actually really truly need. I just simply want them because they are cute. What choice do I have? Living off the grid? Maybe when I'm a millionaire and I have a vast property in a beautiful and serene countryside somewhere, with an olympic-sized pool fashioned like a natural waterfall, a farm large enough where I could rear cows and chickens and fishes and ponies and zebras and grow my own fruits and veggies, I might be able to finally be self-sufficient. But not now. The temptation of the materialstic capitalist world is just unbearable that I choose to simply succumb.

Fave latest find at Asosawesome.de.

After rearranging my clothes based on the colors, I realize that there's no trace of purple in my wardrobe. And green (one doesn't count). And peach. Hello capitalism, goodbye good consumerism.

What else? A good friend of mine is finally visiting! Planning to go to Brussels to taste for ourselves if all the hype over their infamous waffles is well-justified.

I'm drooling. Ooooh can't wait.

Winter won't be too dull this time around when I'll be planning and booking tickets for my first real Europe tour comes March. Arrrrrrrrrrh. I actually just screamed out. Loudly. Out of excitement. Hihi.

Plus there's a company that I enjoy being around with very close nearby so this winter won't be dull at all. It'll be cold as hell, for sure, but not dull.

Of Searching. Still.

...wether you have after all really lost God? Is it not much rather the case that you have never yet possessed him? Do you believe that one who really has him could lose him like a little stone, or do you not also feel that one who had him could not but be lost by him?

Letters to a Young Poet

Just Because.

Beauty and Terror

Let everything happen to you

Beauty and terror

Just keep going

no feeling is final.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Blogger-blogger Gelap

A lot of bloggers that I enjoy reading have decided to go on a hiatus recently. Some of them have gone completely MIA.

Que pasa? Que pasa?

As much as I enjoy reading the reliable bloggers out there who update like every other day, I still crave a daily fix of dark, thought-provoking posts of real people going about their real everyday lives.

It's mind-numbing (for me, at least) reading blogs of people who seem to be wired to be miss positive all the time. I mean, good for them though.

But I can't be miss fucking sunshine all the time. And it's comforting, almost soothing, knowing that other people can't too. A selfish reason, I know. But an honest one.

So people, please write. And don't stop writing.

Jersey Skirt

Recently bought this jersey skirt from H&M. It's only 17,95 Euros! and I'm one very satisfied buyer.

I bought two of them, one in black and one in green.

The material flows so gently from the waist downwards. Makes me feel so feminine and I'm loving every second in it that I wore both of them in two consecutive days!

Didn't manage to capture decent pictures of me wearing them because 1) the natural lighting was not in our favor, we went out late in the evening and it was already dark by 4 p.m. and 2) I just can ever be (semi)natural in front of the camera if Fudye or my lil' brother is behind the lens. With other people, I'll end up looking just very awkward; I'll either look like I'm trying too hard to look nonchalant or I'll strike an OTT pose. Spastik gila.

Blame that on my annoying deep-seated insecurity.

Lately I am in a very adventurous mode when it comes to dressing up, so I think I should consider of documenting it more.

These Things We Should Know

Jesse James allegedly cheated on the ever stunning Sandra Bullock because of her overwhelming success that he can't seem to come to terms with.

By now the media has lost count of how many times fashionista Sienna Miller keeps going back to the arms of Jude Law even though it is apparent that the bad boy Jude doesn't seem to want to be domesticated and tamed.

Recently another two women confessed of having shared intimate moments with Beckham oh pretty pretty Beckham who was allegedly said to be frustrated of Victoria's lack of meat like she used to have during her Spice Girls's days. Just because he is such a beautiful creature, I (my boyfriend seems to share the same opinion too but maybe for other 'manly' reason) am willing to dismiss this confessions as some girls' cheap tickets to the limelight. I know I am shallow.

Who can't forget the pictures of the badly bruised and battered face of Rihanna just hours after the incident that created a world-wide rage?

Permaisuri Aishah risked her reputation after pictures of her closeness with the notorious ghost-hunter leaked on the guy's blog. Who knows, she might actually have developed real feelings towards the guy (mungkin jugak Uncle tu hypnotize her into liking him) only to discover that she is just an instrument in his dishonorable quest.

A family friend was pronounced bankrupt several years ago thanks to her two-timing ex-husband. At mid-30s, she had to rebuild her life and her career from the ruins for the sake of her children.

All of these are the results of abusive relationships.

Relationships are really tricky as there is many gray areas that you must wade through. A woman might think that as long as she doesn't have bruises on her skins, she is in a healthy relationship, which is very misleading. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical.

As an empowered generation of women, to know and understand our basic rights in a relationship is a favor that we owe to ourselves.

And these are our rights (I found this from the internet) :

1) The right to good will from the other; when you commit yourself to another in a relationship, you are put in a very vulnerable state. If your partner doesn't have an honorable intention towards you, you have basically just dug your own grave.

2) To receive emotional support; relationship is a two-way support system, not a babysitting service. Otherwise the relationship will be emotionally draining.

3) To have your own view, even if your partner has a different view. This does not apply to core beliefs, like religion, sexuality, and life goals.

4) To right to be heard and responded to with respect. Indifference is as bad as a mean response.

5) To be called by no name that devalues you.

6) To have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real and important, not dismissed as trivial.

7) To receive a sincere apology for any comments or jokes that you find offensive.

8) To live free from criticism and judgement. The wounds of verbal abuse stay long after physical wounds have healed.

9) To receive clear and honest communication. No going behind your partner's back.

10) To be respectfully asked rather than ordered. It should be an equal relationship, not a boss-employee dynamic.

11) To live free from accusation and blame.

12) To have your beliefs and your interests spoken of with respect. (Note to Encik Fudye : So I believe in UFOs and bigfoot and dinosaurs..these beliefs should be treated with respect, ehem ehem.)

13) To receive encouragement, be it in terms of words, times or energy. A partner should not resent or undermine the success of the other by being indifferent to his/her efforts. If anything, a partner should be your biggest cheerleader.

14) To live free from emotional and physical threats.

15) The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business. If you both agree to pursue a relationship, a long-term one, then a partner has the right to know where and with whom you are spending your time with. You have the right to feel secure in a relationship.

In all seriousness. My mom always tell me that if respect to your parents can't stop you from doing wrong things, then at least, have respect for yourself.

You owe all this to yourself. Peace.

X-posed

People are unaware of how easily their actions and words can give other people a glimpse into their hearts. Their actions, when put together, explain a lifetime of story; all of their insecurities, fears, dreams and secrets.

Makes me think how transparent I might be to the rest of the world.

And suddenly I feel so exposed.

It is a scary feeling.

Adios Amigos

I remember a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine last semester break. We haven't seen each other in flesh for over two years so there was a lot to catch up on. After a while our conversation shifted to a mutual friend of us, our best friend. It was not a mengumpat-session. Promise. We both just miss her.

She is getting engaged. And we only knew about it like the rest of the world. No excited shrilly scream over the phone about the proposal.

Strange, a year prior to this day, we are the kind of friends that share each littlest details of each other's lives. The continent between us never seem like a big deal. But somehow along the way, without us realizing it, we simply just drifted away. We were so immersed with our own lives that we forgot to make the time for each other like we used to.

Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe it was just me, being the self-absorbed one all this while. Maybe it was something I said or did. Maybe it was something I didn't say or do. I couldn't say for sure.

Whatever it is, she just refused to see us anymore. We tried. Maybe it was a tad too late for any maintenace to salvage what we once shared.

She's going to start a new life soon and the friendship that we share is going to take the backseat, that's for sure. Perhaps it has been for a while now.

You might think that nah...that's just one friend, no need to make such a big fuss over it. Every year you get to meet a lot of different people.

But as you are getting old, you'll realize that in life, out of hundreds or thousands of friends you make, there's only a handful of them that you truly connect with. Those are the ones that really matter.

Dearest Umi,

I might not be able to say that I miss your cooking like most of my friends do.

But that can be easily compensated by a string of other food-related things.

I miss our breakfast outing. It doesn't matter where we go, it's always a choice between nasi lemak ayam or roti kahwin (roti telur + roti kosong) in the end. Milo ais pekat is a MUST. I miss our stroll around pasar pagi thereafter. We almost always find something to buy. Surat khabar, fresh veggies for maktok and other occasional odd things like sepit rambut, teh herba, keronsang, etc. Lagi best kalau ada orang jual ubat bawak ular tedung selar saiz anaconda.

I miss our late night teh tarik outing. Of course it wouldn't just stop at just teh tarik. There's got to be food. Double plate kat Burger Gemilang memang terbaik. Roti tisu best jugak. Kuetiau kungfu panas-panas tengah malam memang terbaik. Kadang-kadang nasi goreng dengan telur mata. And yet I keep on biatchin' about how I put on a lot of weight during the semester break. Sigh. We have the most memorable heart-to-heart talk during these outings. Looking back, I don't mind the extra pounds so much now. I would have traded the less-kilos with our outings in a heartbeat. But now that I'm getting older and my skin might not be so elastic anymore to accommodate the expansion-compression cycle, maybe for our late-night outings next year, I'll just stick with teh o kurang gula. No food. Boo hoo.

Our bazar Ramadhan outing has got to be the best one. Running errands just in time to get to Cik Siti before her home-made nasi dagang + nasi kerabu sold out. Sometimes we made it in time. Other times we lost the battle. I tried to vary my choice of food by alternating it with nasi beriyani or nasi campur every other day but in the end I just succumbed. Cik Siti's nasi dagang wins hands down. People just go crrrazy over her nasi dagang + kerabu. Sometimes we have to stand there for a good 15 minutes before we even got noticed. Pakcik makcik kat sebelah ada yang give up and blah camtu ja. Nasi dagang for me and kerabu for you and maktok. One of the earthly pleasures. Oh and how can I forget. Jus jambu dengan asam. Perghhh. Ok I'm drooling right now.

Susah tak nak buat nasi dagang? *hmmmmm*

Of course, our late night outings didn't stop during this month. We raided downtown and bazar raya. Though I stop being fun after 12.00 a.m., you were just relentless that I normally gave in. I'm just not a late-night kinda person, mom, don't take it personally. *I am not a too-early-in-the-morning kinda person either so what does that make me? A late-morning-till-early evening kinda person?*

By now you would've guessed. I miss my mom!

Take care, I LOVE you, you know that.

p.s : I promise, this post is NOT, in any way, a dishonest attempt for future personal gains, now that I know you read my blog. I just really miss you, Umi ;)

Freddy Krueger

I hate nightmares.

I don't mind being hunted down by a cloak-donning figure with a chainsaw through the woods late at night. Slasher-flick nightmares are kinda scary, of course, I'll wake up panting, sweating, but that's it. It's over once reality hits.

The kind of nightmares that I hate more is the less complicated ones. The ones with blurry lines separating a dream and a reality. The ones with at least a chance in a million years that it might just be a cruel flash of the future rather than simply a pure hyperactivity of the brain during sleep.

That kind of nightmares I hate the most. That kind of nightmares tend to find its way back to my mind from time to time.

High

Is it even possible to feel a brand new feeling each day with something so familiar?

I wish the message won't ever loose its weight even though we throw them words around far too often. I hope we catch it every single time. I know I do.

Sealed Fate.

One thing you need to be careful about when you live in Germany (not sure about other countries in Europe) is to be wary of committing yourself to any contract. After three years, I personally think it's less of a hassle to pay a little bit extra for a service but be independent of anything that binds you to the provider. Contracts are a pain in the ass to get out of. Well not really if you follow the procedure but really, when there's tons to remember and to do in a course of two years, sometimes you just forget. And you have to pay. Literally. There's no way out. You'd think you've signed a contract with the devil himself.

Blerghhh.

I Gots Updates

Jera Jahit updated.

Memory Lane?

Ok. Long story short. Actually it's more of a 'not wanting to have to tell the whole pathetic story.'

But what the hell. I forgot the password AND the username of my new blog, the one dedicated to my sewing project and stuff. I thought the URL is pretty catchy and I so badly want to keep it.

Tried to retrieve it, blogger sent me all the blogs that I have ever created under the e-mail address I'm using now. Apparently I've had this e-mail since I was 17. God. That's why I'm one of the few still using hotmail. Heh, back then hotmail was HOT, twas the shiz, I tell you.

The problem is I actually created a new e-mail especially for the new blog. And I've completely forgotten it. Just like that. What am I a goldfish or something? Erghhh.

They say every wrong turn is a lesson learnt. So what did I learn? I've learnt that I've had 3 different blogs under the e-mail address, and for each one I've only ever posted one post. Maybe I forgot the password too, just like this recent case.

One blog was written when I was 17.

Another when I was 19.

To read it now feels surreal. Like an out-of-body experience. I mean, did I really use to be that girl? But I guess when you were 17 you are kinda allowed to feel as if every little problem seems like the universe is conspiring against you. Lawak gila weh sumpah gelak pecah perut tadi dengan Tasha teringat zaman kanak-kanak.

Oh and allow me to quote my 19-year-old self :

but this is real world. knock, knock.
most of all, this is my life.
at 19, i'm still not sure of who i wanted to be. well, yeah, i'm doing a preparation to pursue my engineering study in german next year but hmm, i'm still not sure if that is what i wanted to do with my life. can you see how confused i am?

Well guess what. Four frigging years later, it didn't get any better. I still can't say for sure what I wanted to be and heck yeah, I'm still as confused. How's that. Shiznit (pinjam Tash's fave word).

To my 19-year-old self, sorry for not having my (our?) shiz just quite together yet but bear with me. I'm getting there. Soon. Have faith.

Ego

An important number that adds up to your equation of self-worth. It is as fragile as a newborn.

A pain to live with, but can't live without it either.

What's worse is when it gets bruised. And it gets bruised rather easily if you are not careful who you hand it to.

Bruised ego. Boahh. What a baggage to carry.

But it's not like you can unload it, leave it by the sidewalk and walk away. Life wouldn't be any easier without it.

The only option you seem to have is to carry on, and let time heal it. Although it bruises easily, it doesn't heal as easily and that's the problem.

Sometimes even a lifetime is not enough to heal a bruise.

Sometimes just when you think you are totally over it, the memory comes and bites you in the ass, stumbling you in the process.

There's nothing else you can do except dwell in it, as long as it requires you to. There's no cure.

There's only prevention. That can save you a lifetime down the torturous road of self-pity.

Next time, when it comes to a situation in which you thought of compromising your principles, values and your own self, don't. Just don't. If you ever loose yourself, you cease to exist only in the approval of others. At the end of the day, when the others are gone, what would you be left with? Nothing.

No kick, no high, no thrill, no guy, no adventure is ever worth trading yourself with.

Trust me.

*Looking forward to a lazy gloomy Saturday with continuous supply of caffeine.

sans toi

Doing things you enjoy minus the person you enjoy best doing it with results in half the fun.

Though the muscle soreness the day after is pretty much constant.

Essentials Approaching Winter

Being a true tropical girl, I'll be needing these things to fight the gradual withdrawals of sunlight. Yeah yeah I know, I did complain about the heat once in a while during the summer break in Malaysia but hands down, I prefer the heat better than 3-4 months of melancholic weather. It's not even over-the-top to say that I'll be suffering to some extent mild winter depression comes the season...

1. Caffeine with cinnamon + honey instead of sugar. - Lovin' em Krueger. Checked.

2. Extra lighting to give the impression of longer daylight. - Ikea's lamp stand with 100W energy-saver bulbs. Checked.

3. Sweat-breaking activities to promote endorphin release. And good companies to share those good laughs. - Climbing. Step dancing. Probably joining a dancing class soon. Checked.

4. Lots of good music, suitable to the weather. - Abby Dobson, Eisley, The Cranberries, the good ol' 90s alternative rock.. Checked.

5. A reliable knee-length parka that goes with almost anything - Boring, yes, but this winter, by hook or by crook, I'm going to stay comfortable. Won't let the winter chills trigger another shivering episode. Checked.

6. Cute dresses to wear under the parka. - I won't sacrifice dressing up for the unforgiving winter. Doesn't matter if the dresses are not going to be seen anyway under the parka, but hey, the most important thing is I know I'm dresses good so I'll feel good. Half-checked. Looking forward to a shopping spree at asos.de hihihi.

7. Benetint to fight of the pale and dull complexion. Pending. Mahalnya 32 euro.. =(

8. Good attitude. Smile, smile and smile more to trick my brain into thinking I'm enjoying the lack of sunlight. Ughh I'm a terrible liar.

9. Rewarding hobbies to occupy myself with. Checked.

10. Finishing of the papers so that I don't have to embrace another winter holed up in the room, studying! Must-have.

Substance Abuse

Coca Cola used to have cocaine and caffeine in it. Back when the negative side effect of cocaine still wasn't discovered, which means it was still not considered an illegal substance, Coca Cola contained traces of them. They still use coca leaves (from which cocaine is derived) but not enough to get you soaring high except the sugar.

Although fully legal and widely consumed, caffeine is considered as a psychoactive drug. But still, caffeine addiction has never been thrown into a group of serious substance abuse along with nicotine and alcohol.

I know this is not really healthy, relying on a caffeine fix to wake me up after a straight peaceful 8 hours of sleep, but what a girl to do? The attention and energy boost that it provides after every cup is just too good to deny myself of. Tambahan pulak sekarang sejuk, tapi bila minum secawan, mula rasa panas badan. Barula boleh bukak tingkap dan anginkan bilik!

At least, now I only need 3-4 cups a day compared to my DHI days...

I will stop being dependent on caffeine once boyfriend stops smoking. Muahaha.

Sigmund Freud :

"Just as no one can be forced into belief,
so no one can be forced into unbelief."

Sure I know it´s from the mouth of the Sigmund Freud.

But to some extent, our subconscious is, as a matter of fact, persuadable; it´s more fickle than we allow ourselves to believe.

I hate to think of it as one of the fads, that it is considered 'in' to hold such opinion nowadays but it seems as if that the same record is put on repeat, albeit coming from different souls. I know it is only fair that I give them more credit; such decision doesn't happen in a haste. It's not like, oh we've had chicken for lunch for the past months, let's switch to fish for a change. One must have gone through a deep, serious and intricate deliberation to take such a drastic turn.

But I´ve no complaints though. It seems that the more that I listen to their records, the more it reasserts what I´ve known to be true all along.