Here Nor There

The only thing that kept the whole trip from turning into a nightmare is the fact that I was in a good company. My travel partner, who is more like a little sister to me than an old time friend, and I didn't take the whole thing seriously, at times, even making fun of the situation.

At that point, there was nothing else we could do anyway. It was Christmas day and a lot of frustrated travelers were still stuck in train stations, their loved ones waiting at home, wishing that the date of 25th of December would stop ticking away until they see the awaited familiar faces at their doorsteps.

We were supposed to be home by yesterday after our short 2-day-trip to Brussels, the heart of EU and land of heavenly waffles, but Mother Nature was keen to have things go her way. Snow was pouring down hard since Christmas's eve, putting a damper on our journey. The trains were delayed at every possible station. And just like that, the European railway system that has always held a reputation of being reliable, crashed.

It has taken us 5 hours to end up at a station that is only an hour away from where we started, on any normal day. My body was shivering like mad, my fingers aching from the coldness, my head felt like it was going through a constant brain freeze, the kind you get when you drank Slurpee's in one big gulp, even though I was wearing the headscarf.

Finally the train that would save us had arrived. My friend and I hurriedly jumped on board and slumped ourselves on the next available seats we found. Outside, it was a hell of unforgiving, bitter coldness. Inside, it was warm. Heaven.

"Papa, are we on the right train?" A little passenger, with her father following right behind her, boarded the train and occupied the seats next to us.

"Yes, honey." Belgium has three main languages; French, Dutch and at certain part, German. The father/daughter were speaking in French. Luckily my friend knows the language. So she did all the translation for me.

"Are you sure?" The sceptic little girl, who couldn't have been older than 7 or 8 years-old said, asked her father again, her face scrunched up in an expression of genuine worry. Her short blonde hair framed her rounded face, her cheeks flaming red from the cold.

"Yup, pretty sure."

"Ohhh," she gasped, her stocky palm covering her wide-opened mouth, as if just remembering something important, "Did you remember to bring the ticket?"

"Oh, noo!" Her father, obviously playing along, pretended to be shocked and patted his pockets, searching for the ticket.

"No papa! The controller would kick us out!"

The girl was already freaking out, until her father produced a piece of paper from the inside pocket of his jacket, "Ta-da!"

She breathed a sigh of relief, loudly. Her father laughed and patted the top of her head, messing up her hair. She is, by far, the cutest, most matured little girl I have ever seen.

When I was that age, I believe that I did not yet possess the ability to worry about reality. I hope this bright little girl who was sitting next to me doesn't agonize over every single littlest thing in her life, that she can enjoy the carefree nature of her innocent years, which is what childhood is all about.

"Can you please ask the controller when he comes over if we are really on the right train, papa?" she asked, at which the father bursted in an even louder laugh. The little girl's antics throughout the journey kept her father laughing, both of them looked very happy and content, the delay in their journey didn't seem to matter, everything else didn't seem to matter, perhaps forgetting the fact that they were supposed to be somewhere else right now.

I looked outside the window of the moving train. Lost in my own reverie, it got me wondering, if I have ever made my father laughed like that at my own antics when I was still his little princess. I tried to remember, I tried hard, but to no avail. I did remember the time when he accompanied me to a coloring contest in LIMA Langkawi, just the two of us, though the memory was just fragments of details and snapshots. I wished I could remember the day in whole.

I wonder, if he remembered that day, or any other day that we spent together. I wonder, when he was still Here instead of There, if he had ever sat down on any given bad or good day, and let his mind wandered back to the time when I was a kid, and the memory made him chuckled, or at least, smiled.

I hope he had.

The train kept moving, taking us away and away from where we started and closer to where we were supposed to be.

Crazy Bookshelves Idea

What's the most important part to think of when planning your dream house?

Mine, apart from the fact that it must have a swimming pool with a waterfall at the end of it so that I can swim to the sound of cascading water. And the fact that it must have a mini farm with herbs' garden and baby goats and chickens. Maybe a zebra and a unicorn too.

No, seriously.

Equally important is a wacky bookshelf to store my endless reading material. Kalau rumah dah ada air terjun dengan unicorn, maknanya I can afford spending all my time just getting drunk on books and swimming and sewing and tending the gardens. Indahnya dunia kalau macam tu. SIGH.

Tapi kalau agak lambat lagi nak tunggu dapat unicorn dengan air terjun, jadi bolehlah kita focus kat wacky bookshelf dulu.

Here's a few to-die-for ideas:

Bestnya ada chaos sebegini dalam living room. Boleh susun shot glasses collection yang kumpul masa travel (shot glass ja yang paling murah nak beli pon since I don't like fridge magnets). Boleh letak segala macam 'karya-karya' modular origami models jugak. Tapi jenuh jugaklah nak buang sawang dengan taik cicak nanti. Hmm kat sini takdak cicak dengan labah-labah.

This is uber coolness!

Ini pon awesome jugak! Susun sikit-sikit ja pastu lempaq ja kat bawah tu. Nampak artistic.

But then, I found this :

This is THE ONE! Senang ja nak buat :

To shelve all the novels in my collection, that'll be some work, but it'll definitely be worth it.

Heaven or Hell

I wonder.

What would heaven be like?

Other than a paradise of gardens beneath which rivers flow... I'm sure it would be more beautiful than anything man has ever set his eyes on. An unimaginably sublime sight, more magnificent than the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, beyond picturesque than a perfect summer day in Capri island, grander than the lost world of Macchu Picchu amidst the lush green mountains, its existence evoking more tranquility than the sound of mighty Iguazu waterfalls...it is heaven after all, created by the Creator Himself.

But will I forget all the confusions and insecurities I've had during my time here? Will it be like an instant revelation, every piece of information finally coming together, fitting each other without so much as a gap for a fleck of dust, and man will feel so ashamed of his foolishness for not seeing what's so apparent before their eyes all this while?

Will I forget every feeling, every frustration, every small victory that I've gathered thus far? Will they be insignificant and trivial?

Will fear and restless anticipation overwhelm every other emotion?

Will lovers forget each other once they have fairies with glorious beauty on their side?

Will all the questions and all the things I've wanted to say to my father once I get to meet him in the afterlife seem irrelevant? Will I still miss him as much and be happy to see him after what will be a very, very long time?

See, my minuscule mortal mind is incapable of making sense out of this.

Have a nice holiday people. God bless.

MAKE SOME NOISE FOR FABIO, SOLE NICARAGUA SURVIVOR

Setiap kali tengok Survivor, bila favourite contestant kena vote off, ataupun tak menang sejuta, Encik Boyfriend yang penyabar mesti jadi mangsa mendengar keluhan hati. Yes, I still watch Survivor. It's the ultimate reality TV show y'all, no other show can compete! The Mole comes in second.

I suppose he was getting tired hearing me complaining about the collective stupidity of the survivor contestants for always NOT handing the 1 million bucks to my favourite contestant. He said, "Maybe you should stop picking a favourite contestant. Maybe only then, he/she'll win."

Fine.

But look at what just happened today. Fabio wins! He wins the million dollar! Take that, Encik Fudye! Someone I picked actually win! (I screamed when they announced him as the winner, dah la tengah makan time tu, nasib baik Tash tak tersedak)

OKla, technically, he wasn't my favourite from the beginning. Had a hard time picking my favourite this season. Either they are bitchy/assholic, or downright boring. Awal-awal Fabio tu mengingatkan aku kat character Ashton Kutcher dalam Dude Where's My Car. All brawn and beauty but no brains. Sikit-sikit "Sup dude?" Nama sebenar dia Jud, tapi orang nicknamed dia Fabio sebab dia dumb blonde, male version 2.0. And the name stuck.

Then suddenly. When his life is on the line because all of his alliances have been voted off, he stepped up his game, winning three challenges in a row. Dah la dia terer puzzles. Guys yang tak nampak skema tapi terer puzzle, dapat extra coolness point in my book. But heh. Takdak gunanya semua itu. Encik Boyfriend jugak pujaan hati.

Hmm I think I could go quite far in Survivor... Hehe. No, really. I'm not too annoying (I think) to make people want to vote me off on the first day, I can be quite competitive in physical challenges so my tribe members would want to keep me around, I'm pretty sure nobody will look at me as a threat, and I am good at puzzles! Though my willingness to trust people rather easily could become my Achilles's heels. Malaysia, come on, make your own Survivor show! Enough with the singing reality craps already.

But..on second thought. I love indoor toilets. With running, clean, tap water. And I love brushing my teeth. And food! And comfortable bed. Oh yeah I really do love them all. SIGH.

Chup, one last thing before I go to bed.

I want this.

Not the banana but the princess.

Please???

Update : On 2010, 2011, Food, Dr Rozmey, Melayu, 1984, Crybaby, and Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You..

Been immersed in a lot of distractions lately; hence the lack of updates here. I am attempting to put my thoughts into words here tonight for all the time I've been MIA, so this is going to be a long post. And perhaps a boring one, for all of you. You've been warned.

2010, 2011

With the dawn of the year 2011 approaching, the 2010 year end is slowly inching closer. I'm excited to welcome the new year. This is where I want to be and I am grateful.

Despite some of the bad choices and calculations, I think the small achievements I've gathered over the year are more than enough of a reason to make me look back at year 2010 with a smile. I've learned new strokes of swimming. Had a perfect summer with the people I love. Spent a lot of quality time with my mom and little brother. Met interesting people and made new friends. Had a wonderful, albeit short island vacation. Gone through an amazing experience which opens my eyes to what I would like to do with my career if I were to pursue it. I've seen a shark in the wild. Climbed a 5-wall. I've shot a gun, with real bullets. I mean you've got to admit, that's pretty badass. Ngahehehe.

And I've finally learned how to sew! This girl, who used to be the black sheep in the Home Economics class, who always ended up with bruises on her upper arms and ehem, chest area (thanks to the wicked witch of a teacher), have successfully sewn a 60s mod dress and a cute oversized bag. More projects to come, just waiting for my beautiful fabrics flown across the sea. So excited! Anyways, I wasn't kidding about my evil teacher because really, she did traumatized me into HATING anything remotely domestic, like cooking and sewing. Until recently.

Though, I love housekeeping. A little bit obsessed, you can say. My room gets a makeover almost every month. Whenever I get the housekeeping itch, there's no stopping me, I'll be possessed into organizing every single thing. But that's because I got it from my mom, and the organizing part from my dad (it still feels weird that I remember and talk about him a lot but don't get to talk to him anymore). My teacher can't make me hate something that's imprinted in my genes.

The year is ending on a good note too, with news that makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Silver lining does exists, I guess. Next week, there'll be good companies, particularly this one very happening chick (you know who you are, get your a$$ over here a.s.a.p la macha). I will be spending the christmas eve in Brussels with a long-time close friend, getting high with their heavenly waffles, extra toppings, please. My metabolism will be working on overdrive but that's okay.

Food

Speaking of metabolism. I am eating a lot lately. A lot more than I normally do. I'll be in the middle of eating something, and already I'm thinking of what to eat right next after that. Back to back. Rasa macam berbadan dua la pulak. Kalau macam ni la sepanjang winter, hadoii, kena contact Dr. Rozmey ni. Mungkin inilah pembalasan suka mempermain-mainkan rambut dia. Hmm. This sudden appetite surges scares me, for sure. To the point of considering taking some sort of appetite suppressants. I don't even bother to step onto the scale anymore (I actually do, but I just cursed the penimbang after that.) All I want for christmas is a wicked metabolism.

Dr. Rozmey

Speaking of Dr. Rozmey. I've spent six months this year in Malaysia tanah tumpah airku. My mom's newspaper of choice is Harian Metro (except for Sundays, which are reserved for The Stars). Some people might call it akhbar picisan but hey, the world is in quite a depressing state as it is, so don't look down on other people who appreciate the trivial happenings to lighten things up a bit. So anyways. Back to Dr. Rozmey. I mean, this guy is sure hard to miss. He is the definition of ubiquitous. Tiap-tiap hari disogokkan dengan promosi filem 2 Alam beliau. 40 juta dia target. I've to admit, annoying jugak dia punya promosi. Very in-your-face. Very imposing. And now the movie's out and it's not doing as well as he predicted, a lot of people can't seem to wipe that smirk of their face. Schadenfreude much? Adakah ini salah satu attitude yang exclusively Malay?

Melayu

Ingat tak post pasal Dr. Mahathir's statement tentang Melayu tu? Kalau tak ingat, takpa. Kalau curious, pi cari balik post tu and baca. Malas nak buat ringkasan hehe. I think Tun didn't mean to imply that our race is stupid, but there's something wrong with our ingrained habit. I know I haven't seen or experienced life enough as Tun surely has had to make a substantial statement on this topic, but allow me to share my opinion. Malays are creatures of comfort. Warga yang sangat chillax. Very contrary to the kiasu Singaporeans. Ingat tak dulu zaman sekolah-sekolah, antara perkataan yang femes ialah 'gipang', 'pulun' dan 'skema'. All of which implies negativity. Jadi kita dah diajar sesiapa yang suka berlumba-lumba untuk ke depan tu, dia pulun, gipang, dan itu adalah ciri-ciri yang tidak baik. Aku pon macam tu jugak. Mengata sekaki. Kita tak suka take charge of things. Kita suka orang lain take charge sebab menyenangkan hidup dan kerja kita. Tapi kita nemgutuk orang tu sebab macam bajet bagus. Kita nak, kerja senang goyang kaki, tapi pulangan berbaloi-baloi. Kita pemalas, tapi nak berjaya. Mana nak cari beb? Oh lupa. Kat Malaysia macam-macam ada. Kadang-kadang, bukan pemalas pon, tapi susah nak ambil the road not taken, the extra mile that will get you there. Takut sungguh nak tinggalkan kepompong, tinggalkan comfort zone.

Kalau anda bukan macam tu, tahniah (aku masih lagi mencari-cari kekuatan untuk tak masuk acuan tu). Those few Malays who do not fit these stereotypes, are destined to be the successful ones. That's my opinion la. Feel free to share your opinion on this.

Time praktikal haritu, I've had the chance to visit two fishing villages. Memang senang nak teka mana satu kampung nelayan Melayu, mana satu kampung nelayan Cina. Mana yang ada banyak bot besar (bot laut dalam) dan kilang pemprosesan, haa yang tu la perkampungan nelayan Cina. Kalau perkampungan nelayan Melayu, bot-bot kecik ja. Kalau interview nelayan Melayu, most of them will lament on their fate, thinking that we might bring some help in for them. The surveyor I went with said to me, it's the same story everywhere. It did make me feel grateful for what we as a family have, but then, one has to wonder why accounts for such apparent difference? Pure coincidence? You be the judge.

1984

This is about the novel that has been occupying a lot of my time and my mind lately. Nineteen Eighty-Four. A classic from The Animal Farm guy, George Orwell. If you haven't read it, then find a copy, buy, borrow, steal (and return it quietly back later), whichever way you have to, but you've got to read it. You can't have someone read and then tell you the story because it just won't work. I tried with my boyfriend, but the plot is so intricately woven that you have to tell every page to do the story justice. It's a book that will change the way you look at the world, really (that's a cliche line but the most fitting). It will haunt you, I guarantee.

Crybaby

Speaking of the boyfriend. He told me one thing that he can't promise if we were to grow old together is : to not make me cry. I don't blame him though. Every type of emotion has at some point overwhelmed me to the brink of tears. Watching Spiderman 3 for the umpteenth time. Kena usik dengan adik sendiri. Kena delete dengan adik sendiri dari Facebook. Terharu. Gembira. Sedih apatah lagi. Risau. Geram. You get the point. Remember an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Ted had a crush on that crybaby Robin worked with? The blonde girl who cried about the dead horse? I mentioned it to the boyfriend, how annoying she was. Sikit-sikit nangis, pastu gedik-gedik manja. Merengek. Menyampah. And he was like, "Errr..." And the realization hit me. Oh God no. I am that annoying girl. With the people that I really trust and can let my guards down la. Contohnya seperti si dia (tiba-tiba teringat cikgu BM pernah ajar dulu perkataan 'seperti' maksudnya bukan yang sebenar, cuma mirip kepada yang sebenar, kiranya penggunaan aku tadi tak tepat la). Dan adik sendiri. Sheesh. Kalau tengok cerita sedih (Toy Story 3 termasuk kategori sedih ok!), itu lain cerita. Depan sapa-sapa pon boleh terjadi.

Anyhoo. I've read about a study that concludes that when you cry, if the first tear comes from your right eye, it's a cry of happiness. If it's from the left eye, it's out of pain. Remember that next time you cry.

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

Sejak-sejak ibu pandai guna internet ni, I've been getting sweet e-cards every morning that the first thing I do when I wake up is check my e-mail. Such a great way to jumpstart the day; a mushy card from your mom. Hehehe. Semalam ibu hantaq e-card. Sepatutnya keluaq lagu tapi card tu senyap ja dan kosong, save for a note "Miss you, hope you like this song". Time tengah confuse-confuse cari lagu tak keluaq-keluaq tu dapat sms cari ibu, dia tanya dapat tak lagu dia hantaq? Haha comel tak ibuku tercinta. Setelah disiasat, rupa-rupanya dia nak hantaq lagu ni, yang Heath Ledger nyanyi. Double the comel-ness!

Ok penat membebel. Nak beradu. Have a great Monday y'all!

Suede

Suede is made of leather. The inner part of an animal's skin, to be precise.

Until 5 minutes before, I didn't know that. I thought it was a synthetic material, like PVC.

Erghhh ignorant nya aku.

Polychlorierte Biphenyls - Renal failure - Sepsis

The more I read about it, the more it seems like the outcome is preventable. It make me feel guilty and helpless that I wasn't there to reach out to you.

What makes me feel even more guiltier is that, by feeling this way, it is some sort of a disapproval on my part towards God's decision.

And that left me at such a lonely place.

All You Dreamers

It's the beginning of year 1432. Salam Maal Hijrah to all of you.

I'm not big on resolutions because I think it's overrated. Because everyone does it though they do not really intend to keep it. Most of the time, the resolution withers within the first month, or worst, a mere week. People do it for the sake of welcoming the unfolding of another 365 days, alongside with watching the fireworks. There's no novelty in it. If something is really worth doing, why wait for the 1st of every year to start doing it? Why not start right away?

But this year's new year is different. It inadvertently coincides with a lot of important milestone in my life that calls for putting things into proper perspective. I don't really like the word resolution, because it seems to be lacking of commitment. I prefer to call it a pledge.

There are 7 pledges on my list for this year, but sorry for not being able to share it here as they are too revealing. Yeah I'm shy like that.

So any pledge you want to make? Any dreams you want to realize?

I hope you get there soon.

For all you dreamers and idealists, even realists, this song is for you.

Hey there dreamers,

I know you feel alone,

Way out there out there screaming,

You got no proof to take back home.

Hey there screamers,

I know you'll get this done,

Way out there out there screaming,

Well you can't hear anyone.

Lend me your eyes,

I can change what you see.

A$$holes

Remember this jersey skirt I blogged about? I bought it at 17,95 Euros and thought that it was such a good deal?

As of last week, it went on sale at a freaking 7,95 Euros. 10 Euros cut. More than 50% discount. And I bought 2 of those skirts!!! My 20 Euros! Wtf H&M???? Are you trying to be an asshole of the grandest kind because you just succeeded with flying colours.

Who needs H&M anyway when a giant Primark is opening right in the heart of Gelsennowherekirchen tomorrow. So stop sending love letters in my mailbox trying to woo me with your cute dresses, H&M, because we are through. For now.

Candy

If it wasn't for the dead-giveaway at the bottom of this pic, I bet you'd never have guessed who this is.

The movie that I've watched for three times already, but still got me teared up a bit every time this guy dies. If the producer wanted to end the movie with a bang by killing a VERY IMPORTANT character, why not go with a bang and kill Spiderman instead???

Spiderman 4? What's the point.

Boyfriend : I know you love me and all, but if there's a guy that could steal you from me, it would be James Franco. *name pronounced with disgust*

Me : You know I wouldn't... (Uhm, I think you are forgetting Kelly Jones.)

*****

I need to start going swimming regularly as I'm pretty out of shape now. Less than an hour and I was already panting helplessly.

I'm adding a new item to Our-To-Do-Before-Dying List : Spend a whole month on an island. That's pretty rich but we'll find a way. ;)

Good night. Wishing all of you a great weekend.

Rise 'N' Shine

"I want to be alone for a while
I want earth to breathe to me
I want the waves to grow loud
I want the sun to bleed down."

Though this song is about longing for a better place (or weather), this song puts me in a good and sunny mood in the morning. Doesn't matter how shitty, oops I meant to say sticky, the situation is at the moment. Nasib baik la I don't believe in mandi bunga and that kind of thing.

It's been snowing on and off. With any luck, we'll get to see snowmen coming to life in a couple of days.

Yesterday was one of the prettiest day of winter in my life. It was the finest droplets of snow that I've ever seen spilling down from the sky. The kind that I think I only ever saw on TV. It feels like Christmas's eve. I wouldn't be surprised if I looked up in the sky and saw Santa because the whole scenery would seem so fitting. Ok I lied, I would actually pass out.

There's some thoughts I've been meaning to share here but that have to wait for a while. I really need to sort out this very important thing first; I need to be able to breathe a sigh of relief before it can stop bothering me. Though its priority is very high on my list right now, I have no idea what I'm going to do with it later.