I can't write. I have been trying. But these practicalities around me has been pushing my being inwards until I am just a crumpled remains of what I once was, of what I aspire to be, but having missed the window of opportunities to shine, the idea of who I want to become has ceased to exist.
I have been waiting for a giant sign. To tell me that everything will be just okay in the end if I dive headfirst, but when I pressed on, nobody steps forward to guarantee that I won't smash my head on the rocks, cracking my skull open, that I won't drown, pulled into the abyss of unknown.
People talk and talk like they have lived a thousand years. It takes up all the energy stored up in every cell of my being to just smile and not scream profanities at these people. These people who have never left the comfort of their middle class life, who went to bed everyday with their partner that they have long fallen out of love with, whose sense of wonder has been stunted by the mediocrity of the life they have chosen.
I want to run away with the lover of my life, and our lovechild to someplace where only the three of us exists, where we can live wihtout the constraint of others' expectations of us. Where we can bathe in the warmth of the sun, with sand beneath our feet, and adventure spread before us.
I hate the tone that this piece of writing is going. It sounds too negative, no?
They say it's never too late to start over - I believe that. Do I?
I think I need to move forward faster, before the life, as others imagined and willed for us to live, engulfed us, like smoke, until we become programmed robots, dejected and settled, having forgotten the Utopian life that once seemed possible, like Winston and Julia in Orwell's 1984.
I want to be able to look into my daughter's eyes and tell her that she can be whatever she dreams of, with conviction.
11 May 2015
26 July 2013
The Exit (raw first draft)
The man stares into the faraway place where the sky touches the Earth's surface, fixing his gaze on nothing in particular. There's something about staring at the red sky as day is about to turn into night that makes you see your entire life playing before your eyes. Beautiful, powerful moments that has taken his breath away, like the day he first set eyes on his new-born son, and those good old days when his wife used to look at him in a way that makes his feel invincible. She never looks at him like that anymore, he has not seen it for quite some time now. Come to think about it, on the rare occasions where direct conversation is necessary, she never looks at him in the eyes. He is glad though, for that. That way he can see her without having to actually face her, consume the sight of her lovely face, now older and though always wearing that weary expression, still pretty as ever to him. He is afraid that if their eyes met, all of the unspoken words that she kept gated inside, will rush out like an angry tsunami, and he doesn't think he would ever be prepared for that. He would just die.
Sometimes he wonders what constitutes as being alive. The ability to breathe? Is that it? He heaved a heavy sigh of relief, as if trying to will all of his worries away but it only served to remind him of the pain that he has been carrying in his chest; the sharp slash he felt just to the left of his abdomen. The part of the pain which is physical, he can endure. He knows that something is going really wrong inside his body, he doesn't need a doctor to tell him that. Despite relentless prodding by his wife and son, he just could not bring himself to get himself properly checked. Desperate that all of their pleading seem to fall on his deaf ears, they had accused him of being selfish, in hope that that will get him to see the doctor. Didn't work.
But it hurt, their accusation of him being selfish. Selfish. He lets out a dry chuckle. If only they realise that the only reason of him not taking their advice is the opposite of being selfish. But they do not need to know that. It is enough that he knows that they do not actually mean what they said, it was just a desperate attempt to help him. He knows that. But it doesn't make it less hurtful.
Even if time is not in his favour, even if he cannot make right of all the wrongs that he had made in his life, it comforts him to know that he had once been truly happy. Not that he is not happy now, he thinks he is, he has his wife and son that he loves so much, that he would do anything for, but knowing that his wife is not happy, that he can not do anything to make her happy, makes him feel powerless. Hopeless.
Funny how people keep saying that love conquers all when love is contingent upon other things. Many other things. Money, among others.
The voice of the muezzin calling for Maghrib's prayer broke the dusk. And his reverie.
Slowly he walked back into the house, getting ready for his prayer.
*****
How did he end up here? In the hospital, with tubes inside his arm and machine hooked up to his body. One moment he was being his old defensive self, not wanting to go visit the doctor. But there was something in the way she looked at him just now that he had never seen before. She was afraid, as if she had seen a ghost. So he relented. He let her call the neighbour to take him to the hospital. And then everything happened so fast.
Lying on the bed, he saw the world in a different perspective. He saw his wife standing over him, crying, his son beside her void of any expression, people in white uniforms swooshing by, the white ceiling and walls which has been a witness to many ends. How sad and how beautiful, he thought. And then he notices that space is getting smaller and smaller, like the ceiling and the walls come closing on him, he is getting claustrophobic, he wants to get up but something seems to keep him rooted to the bed. Is this the effect of the medication they gave him? What is happening?
He can feel that his time is running up fast. He needs to talk to his wife. He needs to talk to her now. He opens his mouth but he could not make any tangible sentence. His wife who is witting on the chair beside his bed took his hand, her quiet cries begin to turn into uncontrollable sobs. He needs to tell her that he loves her, because there is not much time left, he is aware of that, that he is sorry that their life does not turn out the way they have imagined as young, smitten lovers, that he is sorry he could not make the business work as he had planned even though he has tried, God knows he has tried his very best, that he is sorry he took her from the other guy some 20 year ago, who might have been able to provide her a better life than what he had, that he is thankful for all the happy times they have shared together, though he wished he would have spent less time working back then and took her and their son more on holidays when his business was going great, when he had the means to do so but no, he kept on working, working harder everyday, being away from home, in hopes to provide them more, more than he ever had when he was younger; he is sorry that he has to leave them both now, but it is better that he goes like this than holds on while draining up their life savings on his medical bills, he does not want to be a burden to his family, he has failed them once, but not anymore, he hopes his life insurance and the house that and his car would be enough to help them through until they find their footing back, starting a new life without him, she should definitely find someone else who can take care of her and love her perhaps even more than he ever did, he is sorry and thankful for everything and that he loves them dearly, but why does the words are not coming out? Frustration takes over him and the guttural moans he makes turn into a howling cry, he pulls his wife's hands which are tightly clasped onto his right palm and a gnawed at it, hoping he can somehow communicate to her all the things, the final things that he wants to say..
And then he caught sight of his son who is inching closer to him..in an instant he was on top of him, hugging him, and he started to choke on his tears. He prays to his God that He will never abandon his son, praying that He will grant his precious son the best of what the world could offer. His son is the magic he helped bring into the world and that was enough, he felt a huge sense of relief, like his life is complete, that it is okay to finish now, that it is okay to let go…
He felt his bed was being pushed into a close door, a door which he knows he would never get out from again, his wife and son's faces are getting further and further, a sense of urgency in the people scuttling around him but he feels a strange sense of calmness..he makes a final prayer, hoping He would ease his exit...
He felt his bed was being pushed into a close door, a door which he knows he would never get out from again, his wife and son's faces are getting further and further, a sense of urgency in the people scuttling around him but he feels a strange sense of calmness..he makes a final prayer, hoping He would ease his exit...
…and perhaps he will be re-united again with his family on the other side and this words can be said between them. Until then, God bless them.
25 July 2013
The Place Beyond The Pines
Watching this movie gave me the same feeling I got watching Blue Valentine. Everything just comes together perfectly in this movie; the multi-layered characters in which the actors do not act the character but instead just become the characters, the plot which eerily resembles the way real life tend to sneak up on you to steer you away from the typical Hollywood happy-endings...
It's so good but so hauntingly real that I cannot bring myself to watch the movie again. Even how much I wanted to (...see Ryan Gosling's perfect abs). This movie gives you the goosebumps that linger around even after the movie is over.
That's two gold stars in a row, Derek, I can't wait for the third.
22 July 2013
Homage
Forgive me,
For my lack of courage;
that I failed to reach out.
For not knowing any better - for being downright foolish;
Drowned in my own askew, self-conceited worries.
For never being present;
Neither in flesh, nor in spirit.
Forgive me,
for not doing more,
for doing nothing at all.
For not being able to grasp,
the meaning of responsibility and sacrifice,
and ultimately, the meaning of,
unconditional love.
Forgive me,
for realising everything,
a tad too late.
With love, respect, longing,
Yours truly.
For my lack of courage;
that I failed to reach out.
For not knowing any better - for being downright foolish;
Drowned in my own askew, self-conceited worries.
For never being present;
Neither in flesh, nor in spirit.
Forgive me,
for not doing more,
for doing nothing at all.
For not being able to grasp,
the meaning of responsibility and sacrifice,
and ultimately, the meaning of,
unconditional love.
Forgive me,
for realising everything,
a tad too late.
With love, respect, longing,
Yours truly.
21 May 2013
Why I Am Not A Fan of Domestic Cats
Once during lunch time, I was scrolling through my Twitter's timeline and some random people I followed tweeted this:
"The saddest part about Malaysia is all the stray animals :'(" (I am still confused with that particular emoticon, is that a tear drop or snot on the smiley's face?)
My instant reaction was, "Really? You really think that the saddest part of Malaysia is the homeless cats and dogs, when there are kids living on the streets, exposed to all sorts of unimaginable danger, like being forced into prostitution or being sold to human trafficking syndicate? It is sad, but it's definitely not the saddest; be careful next time with the use of superlative, aight?"
And lo and behold, as I looked up from my phone, I was met with death stares by 4 pairs of eyes. I didn't realise that I has just opened the Pandora box. I was bombarded by all sorts of pro-feline arguments afterwards at which point I had tuned myself out (because it felt like they were talking in an exclusive language of which only feline lovers can understand; I mean how do you get your brain to understand the logic of a homeless cat being sadder than a homeless kid?) and mentally created the list of 'Why I Am Not A Fan Of Domestic Cats':
1) Cats are so vain and such attention-seekers. They like to be Instagram-ed, that's why they do the shit they do, because they know their human companion is just around the corner with handphone ready in hand to snap their latest, cutest pose. Please, we have our fellow Selfie-ers on Instagram for that; unlike cats, the Selfie-ers do not pretend to not care of the camera pointed their way. From the expression on their face, to the angle of capture, to the direction of the natural lighting, we know that everything is intentional; we know that the picture we are looking at, the final product, is at least their third attempt, and we respect that, respect all the effort that goes into it.
2) Cats drain up mobile internet quota. Have you ever waited forever for your Instagram to load on your phone only to find out that the first page has five consecutive photos of the same freaking cat within a time frame of 10-mitues doing some stupid thing involving a plastic bag, a basket, a plush toy, a door and a box? Non-feline-fans, I feel you.
3) Cat lovers can be very fanatic in their affection towards these hairy little creatures with the kind of enthusiasm, surpassed only by the ultra-devoted Bieber's fans. Calm down, people. There's enough cats in the world for each and single one of you cat lovers, perhaps even 20 or more
4) Because big cats are way more awesome, they roar, like a BAWS, not purr, like Bieber.
Oh man, I know I am so going to be chastised for this. If the friends at my workplace ever found this blog, I might have to start having lunch alone everyday.
"The saddest part about Malaysia is all the stray animals :'(" (I am still confused with that particular emoticon, is that a tear drop or snot on the smiley's face?)
My instant reaction was, "Really? You really think that the saddest part of Malaysia is the homeless cats and dogs, when there are kids living on the streets, exposed to all sorts of unimaginable danger, like being forced into prostitution or being sold to human trafficking syndicate? It is sad, but it's definitely not the saddest; be careful next time with the use of superlative, aight?"
And lo and behold, as I looked up from my phone, I was met with death stares by 4 pairs of eyes. I didn't realise that I has just opened the Pandora box. I was bombarded by all sorts of pro-feline arguments afterwards at which point I had tuned myself out (because it felt like they were talking in an exclusive language of which only feline lovers can understand; I mean how do you get your brain to understand the logic of a homeless cat being sadder than a homeless kid?) and mentally created the list of 'Why I Am Not A Fan Of Domestic Cats':
1) Cats are so vain and such attention-seekers. They like to be Instagram-ed, that's why they do the shit they do, because they know their human companion is just around the corner with handphone ready in hand to snap their latest, cutest pose. Please, we have our fellow Selfie-ers on Instagram for that; unlike cats, the Selfie-ers do not pretend to not care of the camera pointed their way. From the expression on their face, to the angle of capture, to the direction of the natural lighting, we know that everything is intentional; we know that the picture we are looking at, the final product, is at least their third attempt, and we respect that, respect all the effort that goes into it.
2) Cats drain up mobile internet quota. Have you ever waited forever for your Instagram to load on your phone only to find out that the first page has five consecutive photos of the same freaking cat within a time frame of 10-mitues doing some stupid thing involving a plastic bag, a basket, a plush toy, a door and a box? Non-feline-fans, I feel you.
3) Cat lovers can be very fanatic in their affection towards these hairy little creatures with the kind of enthusiasm, surpassed only by the ultra-devoted Bieber's fans. Calm down, people. There's enough cats in the world for each and single one of you cat lovers, perhaps even 20 or more
4) Because big cats are way more awesome, they roar, like a BAWS, not purr, like Bieber.
Oh man, I know I am so going to be chastised for this. If the friends at my workplace ever found this blog, I might have to start having lunch alone everyday.
What WAS The Paradox Anyway?
So I have made (yet another) a vow to resume my senseless ranting here, in this little space tucked in the virtual corner of nobody-gives-a-shit, in hopes to retain my writing-sanity. We'll see how long this one lasts.
Writing too much of the same boring thing at work is starting to get to me, so I figure a place to unload all this streaming diarrhoea of words which are work-unrelated and totally self-indulgent would be cleansing, sort of like a mind detox.
Thank God the internet connection is back in this household. It's no Unifi (thanks to the management for not getting the cable installed into the building before the tenants started to come in), but it'll do. For now.
However as I am writing this sort-of a comeback post, there's two things that leave a slightly unsettling feeling in my stomach:
#1 What in the hell's name is a girl's paradox?
#2 I'm too lazy to create a new blog despite #1.
#1 is bothering me because what was the paradox anyway? What, am I a female trapped in a male's body? Which raises the doubt if I actually had really grasped the concept of a paradox after all at the time I came up with the name or was I just trying to be a try-hard, kind of like hipsters who like to quote lines from indie films that no one actually gets?
Which brings me to problem #2 which is not a problem but an internal obstacle that can or may be crossed with a little wee bit more willpower than what I possess now. But that can be justified by 'selective laziness' (which is the good kind of lazy, yes there's also the bad one; only those who are truly efficient be it in time management and/or energy conservation are familiar with this concept), is what I choose to call it.
I recalled something that a friend of mine told me some time last week. He asked me how come I appear to be so happy everyday?
What?
I beg to differ. I am not. I am the dark, cynical Max in '2 Broke Girls', not the chirpy, optimistic blonde Caroline (despite what my husband maintains; he thinks I am more like Caroline than Max, pffft). I am the erratic Julia Robert in My Best Friend's Wedding, not the miss-sunshine Cameron Diaz.
Life's just way funnier (read: less depressing) when seen through the eyes of a cynic.
P.S: I still can't come up with the paradox.
P.S.S: Who am I kidding, I am definitely more of a Caroline than Max. There.
Writing too much of the same boring thing at work is starting to get to me, so I figure a place to unload all this streaming diarrhoea of words which are work-unrelated and totally self-indulgent would be cleansing, sort of like a mind detox.
Thank God the internet connection is back in this household. It's no Unifi (thanks to the management for not getting the cable installed into the building before the tenants started to come in), but it'll do. For now.
However as I am writing this sort-of a comeback post, there's two things that leave a slightly unsettling feeling in my stomach:
#1 What in the hell's name is a girl's paradox?
#2 I'm too lazy to create a new blog despite #1.
#1 is bothering me because what was the paradox anyway? What, am I a female trapped in a male's body? Which raises the doubt if I actually had really grasped the concept of a paradox after all at the time I came up with the name or was I just trying to be a try-hard, kind of like hipsters who like to quote lines from indie films that no one actually gets?
Which brings me to problem #2 which is not a problem but an internal obstacle that can or may be crossed with a little wee bit more willpower than what I possess now. But that can be justified by 'selective laziness' (which is the good kind of lazy, yes there's also the bad one; only those who are truly efficient be it in time management and/or energy conservation are familiar with this concept), is what I choose to call it.
I recalled something that a friend of mine told me some time last week. He asked me how come I appear to be so happy everyday?
What?
I beg to differ. I am not. I am the dark, cynical Max in '2 Broke Girls', not the chirpy, optimistic blonde Caroline (despite what my husband maintains; he thinks I am more like Caroline than Max, pffft). I am the erratic Julia Robert in My Best Friend's Wedding, not the miss-sunshine Cameron Diaz.
Life's just way funnier (read: less depressing) when seen through the eyes of a cynic.
P.S: I still can't come up with the paradox.
P.S.S: Who am I kidding, I am definitely more of a Caroline than Max. There.
10 November 2012
Less than a month to the wedding...
...and I just got the checklist now. Time management fail!
But to be fair, we were caught up with a lot of things at once, falsely believing that we have superpowers. Wrong.
But nothing could beat the feeling of joy, bliss, relief flooding through the moment we were pronounced as husband and wife. Everything is worth that moment onwards.
Just when I'm getting busy to materialize this wedding, my laptop broke. How convenient is Murphy's Law now heh? I hate you Murphy, I really do.
So anyways, I'm stuck here in the office on a Saturday, planning the wedding while finishing of work that comes with impossible deadlines (but mostly just surfing Pinterest for wedding ideas, work can wait) while waiting for my man to finish work and arrive later today in KL. Living the life, huh? Very much.
1) Balloons
The people here at Delon Balloons (www.delonballoons.com/) have the best job ever! They have such fun job that they even work all week long! We visited them last Sunday and they were all smiles! No wonder there, who wouldn't want to work with balloons. If you like the idea of having balloons at your wedding, you would go berserk once you are in the shop. They have all kind of imaginable balloons! The price for balloon printing is very affordable, I was surprised myself when I found out about it. Sent the design last week, and yesterday they called to say the balloons were ready. Both their branches are based in Johor, one in Skudai and one in Kulaijaya. They offer courier service but I prefer of picking them up myself because I've got my eyes on more things in their shop to buy =D
Helium. A helium-filled balloon can only last for 8-10 hours so I have to source it somewhere nearer. A friend of my mom has a friend who supplied helium. So settled. To tell you the truth, I can't wait to swallow some helium and try out that squeaky voice thing! It would be fun!
2) Horse
Booked. Together with the decoration it costs Rm100. Haven't told the guy that I wanted his horse to wear a horn. With the embellishment that the horse is going to wear on the day, what's a horn on his head? Dear God, forgive me if that is considered as animal abuse.
(Of all the things on my list, these 2 get top priority. Just goes to show how messed up my prioritization is.)
3) Doorgift box
Someone I've worked with before in screenprinting did the design for a personalized giftbox and I am so stoked to see the result! Feel like putting it here now but it would take out the surprise no? Hint : We use our thumbprints to create a heart-shape; an idea I stole somewhere on the net hihi. But the guy who did the design is soooo talented, he did what I wanted and added extra detail that makes the box fits for a Malay wedding doorgift.
4) Dress
Can we skip this part because I want to cry now. I have no baju! Going to Medan Mara to find tailor today.
5) Candy Buffett
Found a halal marshmallow provider. She even has a halal certificate and all. A friend has agreed to help do the decoration.
6) Hall decoration
Would be bravely undertaken by yours truly. Godspeed. Pinwheels, doilies, ribbons, shells, and whatnots. Which reminds me I have to go buy stuff at the craftstore now. Before the husband arrives.
There'a actually another 12 items on the list. Will add them later!
But to be fair, we were caught up with a lot of things at once, falsely believing that we have superpowers. Wrong.
But nothing could beat the feeling of joy, bliss, relief flooding through the moment we were pronounced as husband and wife. Everything is worth that moment onwards.
Just when I'm getting busy to materialize this wedding, my laptop broke. How convenient is Murphy's Law now heh? I hate you Murphy, I really do.
So anyways, I'm stuck here in the office on a Saturday, planning the wedding while finishing of work that comes with impossible deadlines (but mostly just surfing Pinterest for wedding ideas, work can wait) while waiting for my man to finish work and arrive later today in KL. Living the life, huh? Very much.
1) Balloons
The people here at Delon Balloons (www.delonballoons.com/) have the best job ever! They have such fun job that they even work all week long! We visited them last Sunday and they were all smiles! No wonder there, who wouldn't want to work with balloons. If you like the idea of having balloons at your wedding, you would go berserk once you are in the shop. They have all kind of imaginable balloons! The price for balloon printing is very affordable, I was surprised myself when I found out about it. Sent the design last week, and yesterday they called to say the balloons were ready. Both their branches are based in Johor, one in Skudai and one in Kulaijaya. They offer courier service but I prefer of picking them up myself because I've got my eyes on more things in their shop to buy =D
Helium. A helium-filled balloon can only last for 8-10 hours so I have to source it somewhere nearer. A friend of my mom has a friend who supplied helium. So settled. To tell you the truth, I can't wait to swallow some helium and try out that squeaky voice thing! It would be fun!
2) Horse
Booked. Together with the decoration it costs Rm100. Haven't told the guy that I wanted his horse to wear a horn. With the embellishment that the horse is going to wear on the day, what's a horn on his head? Dear God, forgive me if that is considered as animal abuse.
(Of all the things on my list, these 2 get top priority. Just goes to show how messed up my prioritization is.)
3) Doorgift box
Someone I've worked with before in screenprinting did the design for a personalized giftbox and I am so stoked to see the result! Feel like putting it here now but it would take out the surprise no? Hint : We use our thumbprints to create a heart-shape; an idea I stole somewhere on the net hihi. But the guy who did the design is soooo talented, he did what I wanted and added extra detail that makes the box fits for a Malay wedding doorgift.
4) Dress
Can we skip this part because I want to cry now. I have no baju! Going to Medan Mara to find tailor today.
5) Candy Buffett
Found a halal marshmallow provider. She even has a halal certificate and all. A friend has agreed to help do the decoration.
6) Hall decoration
Would be bravely undertaken by yours truly. Godspeed. Pinwheels, doilies, ribbons, shells, and whatnots. Which reminds me I have to go buy stuff at the craftstore now. Before the husband arrives.
There'a actually another 12 items on the list. Will add them later!
11 October 2012
Bride on a Budget
Yes, as cheapo as that title might sound. No rampant wedding shopping spree as the heart pleases as we will make big financial commitment in the near future.
But we had real fun in the process and I think that's what's most important. No matter how much money you have to splurge on your wedding, if you didn't take the time to enjoy the experience, and instead stress on every littlest detail, it won't be a great memory to carry with.
So anyways. Here's the breakdown of what has been done up until now.
1) Solemnization
So far I think we have everything covered. Borang nikah for both sides have been finalized, FINALLY, THANK GOD! Now we can get married. When the personnel at the religious office asked me to go see the ustazah to certify all the forms I brought, he told my mom that I shall go inside alone. Towards the end of our interview, of which she asked why get married in Kulim when my IC stated Alor Setar etc, the ustazah asked me, "Do you really want to get married on your own will, this is not forced right?" Then it made sense why I had to go in alone. I just wanted to scream "Yes, I DO I DO wanna get married to this guy!" Gatal. Hihi.
Advice numero uno, arrange HIV appointment way beforehand as most health clinics can only issue a result for up until 3 weeks. That, or you have to wait up to a month to get an appointment. I did mine at Klinik Kesihatan Bangi. Booked an appointment 3 weeks beforehand but the process took overall 10 minutes and I got the results within an hour. Talasemia is an optional test; Fudhail did his HIV test in Kangar, where they took one bloody vial of blood to carry out both test. I opted out because in Bangi, you have to be poked once for each test. Fudhail's already tested negative for talasemia so nahhh..
2) Details for Majlis Nikah
Pelamin (dais), hiasan katil, hiasan hantaran, extra beading for the dress, make-up, veil + tudung, bouquet of flower, all of these will be provided by a friend of my aunt. I like the make-up she did, not too heavy on the shading, kinda natural as far as a bride is allowed to look natural. Everything costed about RM800 and although I would have gladly forfeited the katil pengantin deco, my mom reasoned that it was for photography purposes, to put all the hantarans, not for us to sleep anyway. Ok noted.
3) Wedding Rings
We bought both our rings at My Diamond. Habib was way over our budget. A classic cut diamond ring with just one diamond costs about RM3k. Seteress. I actually went to My Diamond with my mom first, and the first ring that really caught my eyes, she disagreed with, saying that it's too fancy to be a wedding ring, not like your usual conventional wedding ring.
When I went back with Fudhail, I asked him to pick the one he likes to see me wear, without showing my preference just so not to influence his choice and lo and behold, his first pick was the one I had my eyes on! I knew that we had found the ring! Problem then was my mom. But we bought it anyway, sorry mom. I believe it'll grow on her some day, no worries. The diamond is brilliant cut, with detailing in rose gold. So excited to wear it everyday forever for as long as I live!
We bought the groom's ring there too; cincin suasa, an alloy made up of gold, silver and copper with its gold percentage less than both silver and copper combined, making it Ok for our Muslim husbands to wear it. Both rings costed us about RM2k. On top of that, we got rebate RM250 some more, yay to us thrifty bride/groom!
4) Photographer
As I insisted on having our days commemorated in videos, edited and all, this is one area that I could have but didn't feel like trimming. The cost for covering both nikah and reception events in photos would be around RM1800. Together with cinematography, the package costs RM3400.
5) Invitation card
We went to Gedung Kad Kahwin, in Kompleks Puchong Perdana. They have batshit crazy deal! For instance, RM580 for 1000 pieces cards, 2 free banners, 10 free signage, 500 chair boxes for door gift. And the design, whoah, the selection is very extensive. From garish overdone designs to modern minimalist ones, you name it, they have every design to suit your taste. Unfortunately, it would take at least a month for them to complete your order. So it pays to be early! Padan muka semua pon nak buat last minute. So in the end, we placed our order in some printer shop in Kulim, who could get everything ready in 2 weeks time. I'm trusting my mom on the design as I do not have time to actually go back and pick the design.
6) Self-pampering
You gotta love Groupon for this. Bought a facial and waxing package worth RM500 for just RM80. So next weekend is pampering time; including dentist appointment, getting a hair cut, spa mani/pedi at the Nail Parlor because your nails will stay shining for one whole month!
7) Engagement prezzie
We decided to opt for watches instead of rings for our engagement. One tip is to buy from a certified watch dealers at shopping complexes instead of a branch selling just one brand, simply because you can get extra discount on top of the official discount offered at the time. In our case, we got and extra plus minus RM200 discount apart from the 10% discount.
8) Reception hall.
Got to see the inside of the hall for our reception in December. Got the layout plan already so super excited! Mom got in touch with her high school friend who has a band we're gonna have a live band on the day. Have to compile a list of songs to give them so they can practice. Was thinking of singing a song on the day hihi perasan sungguh tapi takpa, permaisuri sehari kan bagila can walaupun suara tak sedap mana.
I wanted to have a projector to play the video to our solemnization ceremony since most of the friends will not be present on the day because of raya. But the hall is an open space I don't think there'll be any dim corner to allow the video to be watchable on the white screen. Haihhh.
Need to call the halal marshmallow person. Printed balloons. Door gifts. Survey horse carriage, my mom said she has seen a white horse before. Need to create FB event. Inform friends if they want to stay at the hotel, need to book now (plus there's 10% discount for guests), because December will be packed with people wanting to go to Langkawi.
List of things to do keep growing. Doakanlah supaya semuanya dipermudahkan ya, I really need all the help I can at this moment. Need to rest now, good night!
But we had real fun in the process and I think that's what's most important. No matter how much money you have to splurge on your wedding, if you didn't take the time to enjoy the experience, and instead stress on every littlest detail, it won't be a great memory to carry with.
So anyways. Here's the breakdown of what has been done up until now.
1) Solemnization
So far I think we have everything covered. Borang nikah for both sides have been finalized, FINALLY, THANK GOD! Now we can get married. When the personnel at the religious office asked me to go see the ustazah to certify all the forms I brought, he told my mom that I shall go inside alone. Towards the end of our interview, of which she asked why get married in Kulim when my IC stated Alor Setar etc, the ustazah asked me, "Do you really want to get married on your own will, this is not forced right?" Then it made sense why I had to go in alone. I just wanted to scream "Yes, I DO I DO wanna get married to this guy!" Gatal. Hihi.
Advice numero uno, arrange HIV appointment way beforehand as most health clinics can only issue a result for up until 3 weeks. That, or you have to wait up to a month to get an appointment. I did mine at Klinik Kesihatan Bangi. Booked an appointment 3 weeks beforehand but the process took overall 10 minutes and I got the results within an hour. Talasemia is an optional test; Fudhail did his HIV test in Kangar, where they took one bloody vial of blood to carry out both test. I opted out because in Bangi, you have to be poked once for each test. Fudhail's already tested negative for talasemia so nahhh..
2) Details for Majlis Nikah
Pelamin (dais), hiasan katil, hiasan hantaran, extra beading for the dress, make-up, veil + tudung, bouquet of flower, all of these will be provided by a friend of my aunt. I like the make-up she did, not too heavy on the shading, kinda natural as far as a bride is allowed to look natural. Everything costed about RM800 and although I would have gladly forfeited the katil pengantin deco, my mom reasoned that it was for photography purposes, to put all the hantarans, not for us to sleep anyway. Ok noted.
3) Wedding Rings
We bought both our rings at My Diamond. Habib was way over our budget. A classic cut diamond ring with just one diamond costs about RM3k. Seteress. I actually went to My Diamond with my mom first, and the first ring that really caught my eyes, she disagreed with, saying that it's too fancy to be a wedding ring, not like your usual conventional wedding ring.
When I went back with Fudhail, I asked him to pick the one he likes to see me wear, without showing my preference just so not to influence his choice and lo and behold, his first pick was the one I had my eyes on! I knew that we had found the ring! Problem then was my mom. But we bought it anyway, sorry mom. I believe it'll grow on her some day, no worries. The diamond is brilliant cut, with detailing in rose gold. So excited to wear it everyday forever for as long as I live!
We bought the groom's ring there too; cincin suasa, an alloy made up of gold, silver and copper with its gold percentage less than both silver and copper combined, making it Ok for our Muslim husbands to wear it. Both rings costed us about RM2k. On top of that, we got rebate RM250 some more, yay to us thrifty bride/groom!
4) Photographer
As I insisted on having our days commemorated in videos, edited and all, this is one area that I could have but didn't feel like trimming. The cost for covering both nikah and reception events in photos would be around RM1800. Together with cinematography, the package costs RM3400.
5) Invitation card
We went to Gedung Kad Kahwin, in Kompleks Puchong Perdana. They have batshit crazy deal! For instance, RM580 for 1000 pieces cards, 2 free banners, 10 free signage, 500 chair boxes for door gift. And the design, whoah, the selection is very extensive. From garish overdone designs to modern minimalist ones, you name it, they have every design to suit your taste. Unfortunately, it would take at least a month for them to complete your order. So it pays to be early! Padan muka semua pon nak buat last minute. So in the end, we placed our order in some printer shop in Kulim, who could get everything ready in 2 weeks time. I'm trusting my mom on the design as I do not have time to actually go back and pick the design.
6) Self-pampering
You gotta love Groupon for this. Bought a facial and waxing package worth RM500 for just RM80. So next weekend is pampering time; including dentist appointment, getting a hair cut, spa mani/pedi at the Nail Parlor because your nails will stay shining for one whole month!
7) Engagement prezzie
We decided to opt for watches instead of rings for our engagement. One tip is to buy from a certified watch dealers at shopping complexes instead of a branch selling just one brand, simply because you can get extra discount on top of the official discount offered at the time. In our case, we got and extra plus minus RM200 discount apart from the 10% discount.
8) Reception hall.
Got to see the inside of the hall for our reception in December. Got the layout plan already so super excited! Mom got in touch with her high school friend who has a band we're gonna have a live band on the day. Have to compile a list of songs to give them so they can practice. Was thinking of singing a song on the day hihi perasan sungguh tapi takpa, permaisuri sehari kan bagila can walaupun suara tak sedap mana.
I wanted to have a projector to play the video to our solemnization ceremony since most of the friends will not be present on the day because of raya. But the hall is an open space I don't think there'll be any dim corner to allow the video to be watchable on the white screen. Haihhh.
Need to call the halal marshmallow person. Printed balloons. Door gifts. Survey horse carriage, my mom said she has seen a white horse before. Need to create FB event. Inform friends if they want to stay at the hotel, need to book now (plus there's 10% discount for guests), because December will be packed with people wanting to go to Langkawi.
List of things to do keep growing. Doakanlah supaya semuanya dipermudahkan ya, I really need all the help I can at this moment. Need to rest now, good night!
20 September 2012
Letter to Future Son(s)/Daughter(s)
Dear future child(ren),
In less than 2 months, I will be married to your father, someone I have loved for quite a long time. I still do love him, with an increasing intensity with each passing day, and he still makes me blush and giggle like a schoolgirl.
We are both 25 years old this year, not rich, not broke either. Just enough to get by and enjoy the little pleasures life has to offer from time to time. Life is not that hard, we had it easier than our parents, that's for sure, but it's not a breeze all the time either.
Dreams, we have many of those, many of which have not materialized yet.
With the wedding inching closer, it's the inevitable to have people ask us about our plan in popping out mini us in the near future. To tell you the truth, I find the question terrifying. Like for instance, a colleague in office told us she is 3 months pregnant and the rest joked that I will be next. And I became defensive, to the point of near hyperventilating that I would exaggerate every single problem into a mountain.
Am I going to be able to go after all of my dreams after I have kids to tend to? What about the kids' father, is he going to miss out the baby's first smile, first word, first step? (As for now, both of us has agreed to live separately after marriage due to work obligation.) What about me; with the hormonal change and all, am I going to endure all that without someone holding my hair behind my neck while I puke over a the sink, cry and puke some more? What about my cravings, who's going to tend to that when my husband is going to be 4-hour drive away? Who is going to take care of the kids? Have you seen the video where the nanny kicked and stepped on the baby when it cries? I'm not putting my kids at such a risk, I'm going to hate myself. If I have to work, who's going to take the kids to museum after school, teach them about the world more than what the school can teach them, nurture their inquisitiveness? Am I going to have time to take them to the playground? Would they end up spending most of their waking time with the nanny than with me? Would they end up preferring to play Angry Birds on iPad than talk to me, or read books? Am I going to get fat with lots of cellulite? Am I going to get ugly? Would my husband find me ugly? What am I going to wear? Am I going to be able to endure the 9 months of such hormonal instability gracefully when having to deal with it a few days every month turns me into a time-bomb bitch ready to explode? Am I going to hate my husband's smell like some stories I've heard? Am I going to stay fat after the pregnancy? And then there's the childbirth itself. Natural labor, are you kidding me? This is someone who takes pain killer each month before I even get stomach cramps just so I don't have to feel it. If I did opt for Caesarian birth, I heard tending to the wound is hellish. Even giggling would cause great discomfort. And don't make me go into breastfeeding that's a whole another story. Would I actually have any idea on how to raise a child? I mean, I cut and bumped and bruised myself all the time from unfortunate miss of judgements, how can I make sure I don't hurt a child? Is now even the right time to raise a kid, I mean have you read the news, kids are being snatched off the streets all the time! Like just now, I forgot where I put my wallet, am I actually fit to be a mother? Are we going to be able to raise the kids in a comfortable life? How do one travel with little kids anyway, I mean can they actually go to Macchu Picchu, we haven't been to Macchu Picchu and I've always wanted to go to Macchu Picchu so bad! Would my in-laws and family hate me if we decided to wait a few years before having kids? If we did plan on waiting first, would God consider us ungrateful and not grant us any kids at all, like ever? What if we did have kids and it turned out we weren't ready? Would having kids change us into a different person?
All these rendered me paralyzed with fear sometimes.
But the thing is, despite all that chaos in my head, I have this feeling that one day I am going to be a mother. And I am going to relish the role. Just that the feeling seems to be quite a distance from now.
So if you are old enough to read this, if there are times when I am being difficult like mothers tend to be, you should know that I went against all of my own arguments to go through something I am most terrified of; childbirth and being a mother. Do know that I love you with such ferocious tenacity, rivaling that of the fiercest lioness of the savannah. So don't be too difficult on me and your father, please.
Lots of love,
Me.
In less than 2 months, I will be married to your father, someone I have loved for quite a long time. I still do love him, with an increasing intensity with each passing day, and he still makes me blush and giggle like a schoolgirl.
We are both 25 years old this year, not rich, not broke either. Just enough to get by and enjoy the little pleasures life has to offer from time to time. Life is not that hard, we had it easier than our parents, that's for sure, but it's not a breeze all the time either.
Dreams, we have many of those, many of which have not materialized yet.
With the wedding inching closer, it's the inevitable to have people ask us about our plan in popping out mini us in the near future. To tell you the truth, I find the question terrifying. Like for instance, a colleague in office told us she is 3 months pregnant and the rest joked that I will be next. And I became defensive, to the point of near hyperventilating that I would exaggerate every single problem into a mountain.
Am I going to be able to go after all of my dreams after I have kids to tend to? What about the kids' father, is he going to miss out the baby's first smile, first word, first step? (As for now, both of us has agreed to live separately after marriage due to work obligation.) What about me; with the hormonal change and all, am I going to endure all that without someone holding my hair behind my neck while I puke over a the sink, cry and puke some more? What about my cravings, who's going to tend to that when my husband is going to be 4-hour drive away? Who is going to take care of the kids? Have you seen the video where the nanny kicked and stepped on the baby when it cries? I'm not putting my kids at such a risk, I'm going to hate myself. If I have to work, who's going to take the kids to museum after school, teach them about the world more than what the school can teach them, nurture their inquisitiveness? Am I going to have time to take them to the playground? Would they end up spending most of their waking time with the nanny than with me? Would they end up preferring to play Angry Birds on iPad than talk to me, or read books? Am I going to get fat with lots of cellulite? Am I going to get ugly? Would my husband find me ugly? What am I going to wear? Am I going to be able to endure the 9 months of such hormonal instability gracefully when having to deal with it a few days every month turns me into a time-bomb bitch ready to explode? Am I going to hate my husband's smell like some stories I've heard? Am I going to stay fat after the pregnancy? And then there's the childbirth itself. Natural labor, are you kidding me? This is someone who takes pain killer each month before I even get stomach cramps just so I don't have to feel it. If I did opt for Caesarian birth, I heard tending to the wound is hellish. Even giggling would cause great discomfort. And don't make me go into breastfeeding that's a whole another story. Would I actually have any idea on how to raise a child? I mean, I cut and bumped and bruised myself all the time from unfortunate miss of judgements, how can I make sure I don't hurt a child? Is now even the right time to raise a kid, I mean have you read the news, kids are being snatched off the streets all the time! Like just now, I forgot where I put my wallet, am I actually fit to be a mother? Are we going to be able to raise the kids in a comfortable life? How do one travel with little kids anyway, I mean can they actually go to Macchu Picchu, we haven't been to Macchu Picchu and I've always wanted to go to Macchu Picchu so bad! Would my in-laws and family hate me if we decided to wait a few years before having kids? If we did plan on waiting first, would God consider us ungrateful and not grant us any kids at all, like ever? What if we did have kids and it turned out we weren't ready? Would having kids change us into a different person?
All these rendered me paralyzed with fear sometimes.
But the thing is, despite all that chaos in my head, I have this feeling that one day I am going to be a mother. And I am going to relish the role. Just that the feeling seems to be quite a distance from now.
So if you are old enough to read this, if there are times when I am being difficult like mothers tend to be, you should know that I went against all of my own arguments to go through something I am most terrified of; childbirth and being a mother. Do know that I love you with such ferocious tenacity, rivaling that of the fiercest lioness of the savannah. So don't be too difficult on me and your father, please.
Lots of love,
Me.
15 September 2012
Searching for That Dream House
Having a roof over your head is one of the basic necessities in life; apart from food and the clothes on your back (not so much that three shirts you have in your wardrobe in 3 'different' shades of white).
Rental in Kota Damansara is getting outrageous. A run-down old flat will cost you around RM700-800 per month. An extra RM400-700 per month will get you a well-kept apartment. A basic condo unit can fetch up to RM2000-2500. Then there's the high-end condos for which you have to be ready to fork up around RM4000 per month. A landed house..let's not go there. Yet. Mission impossible.
This sentiment is felt across the country actually, where price of houses is reaching an all-time high; without any sign of stopping soon. Some took this as a sign of a housing bubble; a situation in which the price is driven up by the speculation that the price is going to get even higher until at one point, due to lack of actual need in housing, the system will burst, leaving people with mortgages they cannot afford. Like what happened in the U.S. a few years back. Once it crashes, it went with a Bang, not a mere Pop.
In the Netherlands, if a property is vacant for more than a year, it is not a crime to occupy it. This is to ward off investors buying property and keep it until the price has gone up profitable enough to resell. An opinion of my German language teacher is that the need we feel to own a house is hammered into us by our society, without much benefit to us. He argued, what's wrong with paying rent your whole life? But of course, this, coming from a man who paid cash for his Viva car.
What caused the property prices to grow exponentially in the last 30 years? The answer would lie in the government's policy. Like always, the government would conjure (or lately, say) something up with the best of intention (or so I would like of believe) at its core, until the success of the system became its own monster.
In the 60s, bank would only approve housing loan, 60% of the total amount, and the repayment would last at most for 10 years. Now one can expect to get a 90% financing which has become a standard practice for most banks, and recently with the My First Home Scheme (M1HS), lending margin can reach up to 100%. Monthly repayment was reduced as the repayment period which was at 10 years in 1960 has been extended to 30 and sometimes up to 40 years now. See the inevitable booby trap?
Let's look into the M1HS. This scheme allows fresh graduates who have just started working with a monthly income of less than RM3000 and is younger than 35 years old to take out a 100% loan, for a property that is valued under RM300k. For joint applicants with income of less than RM6000 combined, they can apply for a 100% loan for a property valued to up to RM400k. This means, young working individuals do not have to worry over how to fork up the 10% down-payment, what with having to worry about wedding/hantaran and stuff.
This situation has seen young generation flocking to take out home loan and shop for their dream house, or for investments. The question is, is it a wise decision?
In my humble opinion, it depends on how informed you are on your current situation. You need to know if you are going to be committed to being responsible in your monthly spending. You need to know the prospect of the area you're buying into; is there many ongoing development that will add value to the area, etc. You need to know the developer. The owner if it is a sub-sale. The current bank valuation of the property. You need to be prepared to do research on a lot of these.
But in the end, who knows for sure if the market is going to continue this steady rise in the next 10 years? What if the market crashes tomorrow? Nobody can tell you the answer, even the most expert in the industry. Only God knows that.
But in the end, who knows for sure if the market is going to continue this steady rise in the next 10 years? What if the market crashes tomorrow? Nobody can tell you the answer, even the most expert in the industry. Only God knows that.
But put it this way; if you buy a home, in 1 year you will have won a total of 15% equity in your property if you took out a 90% 30-year loan. And imagine this; if you rent, in a year you would have paid 5% of the landlord's mortgage. So generous, eh?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)