This Is Going To Be A Very Long Post

I was never very good at observing my surrounding through the lens of a camera, because doing so feels too obstructive of the present moment. It might also be due to self-conceitedness, that the idea of capturing the surrounding without me being in the frame doesn't seem so appealing. Hey, at least I'm being honest.

I think nothing beats taking in your surrounding, especially if you have never been to that place before, using all of your worldly senses. Like the smell. The sound. Your feeling towards that precise moment, towards what you are seeing for the first time.

Maybe that's just another excuse. Maybe I've realized that I'm just not good at taking pictures that I simply gave up and leave it to someone else.

There's a line in a song that goes like this : 'Pictures only prove you can't convince.' But this is the age of digital memory we are talking about. The age of Facebook, where nothing actually takes place until pictures to serve as proof are shared on your profile. Memories are not real until they are etched on pixels.

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Anyways. What prompted me on this quite pointless train of thought is watching the Narvaez family's vlogs. Rajin sungguh bapa mereka si Jorge record every event yang kadang-kadang tak eventful sangat pon tapi sebab telatah anak-anak dia comel sangat terpaksa tengok video berulang-ulang kali. I mean, who can not like Eliana and those cheeks? I've always had and never been able to shake this feeling of apprehension when it comes to the idea of giving birth; everything about it - starting from to the natural changes that are bound to happen to your body, to the morning sickness, to the 9-month period of carrying a huge belly around, to the pushing part - scares the hell out of me. But seeing these adorable kids growing up before your eyes with a set of loving parents that dot on the, it really stirs that instinct inside of me, you know. That one day, this is what I want. To raise a family.

Tapi tapi tapi. Maternal instinct tu kena suppress dulu ok, not in the next 5-6 years ok.

Bila tengok vlogs mereka, tetiba rasa, kan best kalau parents dulu ada buat video masa aku tengah baby pastu membesar. Teringin nak tengok. Because sometimes, as good as it feels to just live in the moment, memories do fail us. At least, if they did, I would have been able to listen to my dad voice now because I'm afraid that soon I would forget.

Kesimpulannya di sini, lepas ni nak beli video cam la satu. Takpon camera yang canggih sikit, yang kualiti video pon best. Kalau malas nak tangkap sendiri, cari suami yang rajin layan tangkap gambar, ok?

Ok. Back to si comel Eliana. These past few days, Encik Fudye was, after quite some time, reunited with the internet again and the first thing I asked him to check out was, guess what, Eli's videos! so that next time I talk about one of Eli's antics, he'll know what I am talking about. Encik Fudye pon terpaksa la tengok semua video-video yang dia dah miss hehe.

Is it weird/creepy to feel so fond and form some kind of an attachment towards someone who doesn't even know you? I think it's not that different from celebrity crushes, except that this is less superficial I think, because what people are most interested in when it comes to Jorge and his family is the substance that makes them the real person they are, not their looks, their voice or talent. I mean there are far more talented singers out there but there's just something so endearing watching them sing.

"Sorry my daddy...." Awww, I mean, it's not fair, how can one stay mad at this cute little thing after that line??

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So I've been spending the past few days finishing off my reading in the park.With autumn looming just around the corner I figure it's best to make full use of the beautiful weather we were grazed with lately.

Plus without the distraction that my room poses, with the internet and all, the park provides a sanctuary for me to immerse myself in Kafka's work. Or at least, attempt to.

I find that Kafka's narration is at times too arduous and boring that I can't seem to finish it even though I've had this book for quite some time now. And I am not talking about a whole novel, just a book of collection of his short stories. So double fail for me.

Now I believe that he meant the stories to be boring. He was talking in metaphors about living the mundane lives of being confined within the structure that had been put upon us. First school, then college, then work, then you work to earn more which gets you bigger house and faster car and in return you work more, retirement follows 30 years later.

We think too much about things that do not amount too much in the grander scheme of things; like clothes for instance, or how others perceive us, and our fear of failing, our need to have every little thing under control. Life doesn't work that way. There's always a curveball ready to throw you off track when you least expect it.

Once you finish reading his stories, you have to allow yourself some time to reflect upon it, during which the genius behind his writing will slowly unravel itself, which will lead you to reread it, just so to make sure there isn't anything that you've missed the first time around. For instance, when you realize that the main character in Metamorphosis who turned into a cockroach-like insect is a representative of the working class people, when you read the story one more time, you'll see how every little detail in the story makes sense within that context.

So far I've read 5 stories and my favorite havsto be Metamorphosis. Predictable. Oh well.

Reading and finally understanding Kafka in the park on a bench overlooking the tranquil lake, occasionally sipping on cold Starbucks's Seattle Latte, damn I feel so cool, the kind of cool that only bookworms know how. So lame.

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Two of my close friends got engaged in last week alone. Called to congratulate them, secretly (not-so-secret I guess) wishing that I'll be next in the near future..

Being so open and forthcoming in my view on this matter, I've gotten far more cynical remarks from those who deem marriage to be the antithesis of coolness than I care to keep count of.

Remarks such as, "Aii, tak sabaq nak kahwin dah ke?" will usually be met by a straight-faced, "Haah." Selalunya lepas tu orang tu tak kata apa dah. Senang. Paling tak pon, dia akan kata, "Gatal," pastu topik tersebut akan tamat di situ.

"Lek lu, tak cool la kahwin awal-awal, enjoy dulu," itupun salah satu respon popular jugak.

Where do people get this notion, that marriage is the end to all fun in the world? I mean, when you marry, you intend to stay married forever right, but if marriage means you shall forego any fun thereafter, that is too high a price to pay to be married to anyone I think. I mean, who do you have in mind of being married to?? Doesn't sound like a fun person to be around with..

There's like hundreds of perks of being married that I can come up with right now. It's like an ongoing date, except that you don't have to say goodbye at the end of the day. If you don't feel like going out but still wants to spend time with each other you can just stay home. You can not only start mapping out your future together, but live it instead. Instead of waiting to tell about your day to each other on the phone, you can just talk about it face to face.

Ok stop.

Note to self : Tak payah nak menggatal sangat-sangat lagi. Buat apa yang patut dulu, cukupkan apa yang tak cukup lagi, baru fikir pasal kahwin.

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I think 24 years-old is not too early or too late to start being an adult and take responsibility of people other than yourself.

Daily Dose

Friends, if you are in for a quick daily dose of blogs, I would recommend these two of my favorites.

1) Mojology

Mo really puts the Mo in Mojo. You know how people nowadays use 'lol' as a punctuation when they have nothing left to say when really, they are just sitting there typing with a straight-face without so much as a chuckle coming out of their mouth? Well, in my case, if I said I lol-ed a lot while reading this blog, I kinda lied to. I didn't actually laugh out loud.

But I sure does chuckle. With a far higher frequency too than I normally would reading other blogs.

p.s : I doubt that the pickup lines he suggested would ever work in real life, but they are hilarious. Someone give this guy a show of his own!

2) Hadi Frust Tapi Malas

Ini Hadi, bukan Anwar Hadi. Dia sangat cool. I swear I've came up with some quite clever sentences to describe his blog but I kinda forgot and it's late now I need my coffee. Silalah ushar blog ni kalau dah bosan dengan blog-blog lain. Cerita fiksyen dia lawak.

Crest Whitestrips

One of the things I've been trying to fix for quite some time now is the discoloration of my teeth. Being a coffee addict for the past recent years has not helped my situation obviously.

I've been trying the products you can find in drugstores; toothpaste, whitener, etc. They don't do shit except give you false hope and burn your money.

I've talked to a dentist, and she talked me out of it, saying that people are just born with different natural teeth color and my yellowness is not so severe. What does she know anyway.

Recently I came across this product (thanks to Tasa ;p) and after researching and finding a lot of positive feedback, I've decided to give it a try.

It's really affordable. I didn't buy the whole package, just bought 7 strips for 9Euros. If I'm satisfied with the result, I'll buy me some more and bleach my teeth till they are Hollywood fake. Ah ha ha.

It's basically just strips with bleach on it that you paste on your teeth and leave on for like 20 minutes. Apparently the beach is quite strong, as a vlogger said on YouTube, when she accidentally got the residue on her pants, the color of her pants on that spot ran down. Boyfriend's remark : Haa, nanti umur tak sampai 30 gigi dah reput. Oh well, if that happens (God forbid) he'll be the one paying for my new teeth implant. Yeah.

I'm willing to take the risk.

Today is day 1. I've taken a photograph of my teeth for today and will record the progress all through the 7 strips so that any change will be more visible. So we'll see. I think I'll start drinking my coffee with straw tomorrow morning.

Insomniac Maniac

I'm a sleep snob.

Meaning that I like to get my sleep just the right amount, an uninterrupted 8 hours, discounting the occasional 'membuta tanpa alarm' after late nights. Which is rare, considering that I stopped being fun after 12. But if I stayed up later than 12 and way into 2-3 in the morning, that's when the craziness and hyperdom hit.

Anyways, I read that one's sleep cycle differs from another. For instance, A might need 7 hours of sleep to function at his best the next day, whereas B might just need 5. To find your natural sleep cycle, it is suggested that you try to go to bed at the same time every night, and wake up without alarm for the next several days. If you do not have any sleeping disorder, chances are, you'll wake up naturally (and feeling fresh) after a certain fixed period of time. That is your sleep cycle.

Mine is 8 hours. And I always find myself waking up several minutes before my alarm goes off. Interrupt me in between the 8 hours, you'll be dealing with a crazy monster. Just ask my little brother. He indulges in picking a fight with the said monster.

Comes summer, because of the shorter night time, which results the prayer times between Maghrib and Subuh to be very close to each other, it is hard to have an uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. Go to sleep after Maghrib at around 10.00 pm, you'll have to be awake before 3.00 am to catch Isyak prayer before Subuh starts.

Whenever I don't get my sleep right, I get cranky and my brain just seems to refuse to work at full speed, lingering at distractions after distractions for way too long. Maybe it's just an excuse for my brain and body to be a slacker. But as they say, your body is your temple so best that I listen and work with it instead of against it.

I did some snooping around on the net, and based on someone else's research, which is more historical rather and scientific, he found out that back in the Renaissance time, poets and intellectuals alike tend to break their sleep cycle into two shorter periods during the summer; 3-4 hours siestas followed by the 4-5 hours of sleep later at night. They found that this method allowed them to get the creative juice flowing, by working late into the night.

So let's try this for a couple of days; 17:30-20:30 followed by 03:30-07:30.

I could use some creative juice.

What You Do Will Come And Bite You In The Ass Later.

Wishing I'm that squirrel right now. Chilling like a rockstar!

I'm gonna bitch about the weather for a while. Lately, it's too hot to lay outside on the grass, cuddling up with a novel. Even a big jug of iced lemon tea is not going to make the heat tolerable.

When it's not too hot, meaning there's a little bit of cloud with just the right amount of sun, don't be fooled, because the weather has turned bipolar. Verging on a heavy downpour on minute, and in an instant turning back into the mild weather we all crave for.

I need a break. Not really, I've had a lot of breaks already this semester. I just want a break. I guess that's just my body, wanting to run away from facing things that I do not find interesting or appealing, like finishing this project.

My work in the lab so far has been very sloppy; you know like, not paying attention to the get the reading to the closest 0.1 milliliter. I'm not very good with tiny details like that; I like looking at the big picture. So much for wanting to be an engineer. This sloppiness is coming back to bite me in the ass right now, when the results of the 3-week process just turned into shit. Literally. Not much of a surprise since I am working with shit (a.k.a sludge) anyway, you know, that mucky gooey stuff you'll find in the sewer.

Tomorrow I'll pay the first price. By facing my professor and asking him to get me more sludge to work with. Start from the beginning.

All You Dreamers

It's the beginning of year 1432. Salam Maal Hijrah to all of you.

I'm not big on resolutions because I think it's overrated. Because everyone does it though they do not really intend to keep it. Most of the time, the resolution withers within the first month, or worst, a mere week. People do it for the sake of welcoming the unfolding of another 365 days, alongside with watching the fireworks. There's no novelty in it. If something is really worth doing, why wait for the 1st of every year to start doing it? Why not start right away?

But this year's new year is different. It inadvertently coincides with a lot of important milestone in my life that calls for putting things into proper perspective. I don't really like the word resolution, because it seems to be lacking of commitment. I prefer to call it a pledge.

There are 7 pledges on my list for this year, but sorry for not being able to share it here as they are too revealing. Yeah I'm shy like that.

So any pledge you want to make? Any dreams you want to realize?

I hope you get there soon.

For all you dreamers and idealists, even realists, this song is for you.

Hey there dreamers,

I know you feel alone,

Way out there out there screaming,

You got no proof to take back home.

Hey there screamers,

I know you'll get this done,

Way out there out there screaming,

Well you can't hear anyone.

Winter

I am not going to try to be positive about the approaching winter what with the snow already hitting some parts of Germany already.

I hate winter. With a passion.

It's so cold; makes me prone to getting constant brain freeze whenever I stay outdoor for more than 15 minutes, not to mention the shivering. Yeah sure it's a pretty sight waking up to a world covered up with a layer of fresh snow, kinda reminded me somehow of the pureness of the world, of how your whole life is spread out like a blank canvas before you for you to explore, yada yada yada. But like every beauty, it doesn't stay long. The next day, everywhere you walk, you'll notice that every corner of whiteness is melted and tainted by yellow spots, sometimes ughhh brown! Thanks to the overpopulation of dogs in Gelsenkirchen messing up my profound epiphany about the whole blank canvas thingy. How do you interpret and integrate that into the picture? To always be aware because in life there'll be dogs with bowel incontinence happily shitting all over your blank canvas?

Don't judge me. I love dogs. I think some of them are so cute sometimes I find myself almost reaching out and give them a back rub. But there should be laws citing that owners should pick up after their dogs' by-products, like in the States. It's just disgusting.

Where was I at? Oh on why I hate winter. First, it's cold. I don't care if students in Russia are saying, "-6 degree? Meh, that's like summer for us. Come try -40 here." Anything below 10 is no fun for me. Secondly, it's yucky (dog poo). Third, it's wet meaning it's very slippery; how's that for an added adventure for an already clumsy clown as it is like me. Fourth, the sun goes down at 4.30 p.m. like whattttt? But the last one is actually not really that bad. It gives me motivation to wake up early in the morning and not go back to bed after that because I do not want to miss the unfolding of the day and to soak up on every ray of sunlight. Plus I rarely ever have any evening or afternoon nap anymore. Daylight is too precious to miss around this time of the year.

Truth is, I'm over getting hyped on snow. Done. Seriously.

But as much as a winter-hater I am, there are just too much to look forward to this winter. Especially this winter.

First and foremost, like every winter, there'll be huge clearance sales on summer items everywhere you turn which is just too good to pass up. Damn you capitalist pigs, banking in on my weakness for clothes I don't actually really truly need. I just simply want them because they are cute. What choice do I have? Living off the grid? Maybe when I'm a millionaire and I have a vast property in a beautiful and serene countryside somewhere, with an olympic-sized pool fashioned like a natural waterfall, a farm large enough where I could rear cows and chickens and fishes and ponies and zebras and grow my own fruits and veggies, I might be able to finally be self-sufficient. But not now. The temptation of the materialstic capitalist world is just unbearable that I choose to simply succumb.

Fave latest find at Asosawesome.de.

After rearranging my clothes based on the colors, I realize that there's no trace of purple in my wardrobe. And green (one doesn't count). And peach. Hello capitalism, goodbye good consumerism.

What else? A good friend of mine is finally visiting! Planning to go to Brussels to taste for ourselves if all the hype over their infamous waffles is well-justified.

I'm drooling. Ooooh can't wait.

Winter won't be too dull this time around when I'll be planning and booking tickets for my first real Europe tour comes March. Arrrrrrrrrrh. I actually just screamed out. Loudly. Out of excitement. Hihi.

Plus there's a company that I enjoy being around with very close nearby so this winter won't be dull at all. It'll be cold as hell, for sure, but not dull.

Memory Lane?

Ok. Long story short. Actually it's more of a 'not wanting to have to tell the whole pathetic story.'

But what the hell. I forgot the password AND the username of my new blog, the one dedicated to my sewing project and stuff. I thought the URL is pretty catchy and I so badly want to keep it.

Tried to retrieve it, blogger sent me all the blogs that I have ever created under the e-mail address I'm using now. Apparently I've had this e-mail since I was 17. God. That's why I'm one of the few still using hotmail. Heh, back then hotmail was HOT, twas the shiz, I tell you.

The problem is I actually created a new e-mail especially for the new blog. And I've completely forgotten it. Just like that. What am I a goldfish or something? Erghhh.

They say every wrong turn is a lesson learnt. So what did I learn? I've learnt that I've had 3 different blogs under the e-mail address, and for each one I've only ever posted one post. Maybe I forgot the password too, just like this recent case.

One blog was written when I was 17.

Another when I was 19.

To read it now feels surreal. Like an out-of-body experience. I mean, did I really use to be that girl? But I guess when you were 17 you are kinda allowed to feel as if every little problem seems like the universe is conspiring against you. Lawak gila weh sumpah gelak pecah perut tadi dengan Tasha teringat zaman kanak-kanak.

Oh and allow me to quote my 19-year-old self :

but this is real world. knock, knock.
most of all, this is my life.
at 19, i'm still not sure of who i wanted to be. well, yeah, i'm doing a preparation to pursue my engineering study in german next year but hmm, i'm still not sure if that is what i wanted to do with my life. can you see how confused i am?

Well guess what. Four frigging years later, it didn't get any better. I still can't say for sure what I wanted to be and heck yeah, I'm still as confused. How's that. Shiznit (pinjam Tash's fave word).

To my 19-year-old self, sorry for not having my (our?) shiz just quite together yet but bear with me. I'm getting there. Soon. Have faith.

Wedding Bells...NOT (yet)

Okay hate me for this post. But I just have to.

Was listening to Tash discussing her brother's wedding with her mother and it was me who got pretty pumped up for my very own quite in-a-distant wedding. A girl should be prepared for anything huh? Hehe.

I was set on pink and silver when I remember all about my sunflower. How would it fit into the colour scheme? And it sent me into a minor panic attack. Boyfriend recommended orange and silver instead. Orange? Really?

On second thought I was like, why not? Seen so many fairytale weddings in pink already.

Scoured the internet for some inspirations and I think now I'm all inspired. Even too inspired for my own good. Haha. Slow down lady. Degree pon tak dapat lagi.

But no harm in dreaming right? ;)

He's gonna look so yummy in a silver suit with a tinge of orange for the tie. ;)

I love the vintage feel of the pictures above. I think the orange hue serves the beautifully-rusty vibe to the whole mood.

Lots of silver + orange balloons. Kids will love them. But then again, there'll be lots of popping sound I bet. Sungguh rosak imej kalau pengantin perempuan terkejut pastu tersedak time makan.

The flower and the dress. Weee.

And I wonder, in our culture, why do we tend to invite almost every single person on the planet that each single family member knows to the wedding? 'Friends' from kindergarten? Long-lost tiga/empat/lima-pupu? If it's up to me, I only want the person that really matter and actually care that I got married to be present on my wedding. Plus, boleh save on cost and splurge on other thing. Like a honeymoon to some exotic island. Hehe.

Islamic Fashion Festival 2010

My take on the collections from the Islamic Fashion Festival 2010 held in Monte Carlo (too lazy to post up pictures, if you're curious a 3-second search on google will get you there) :

Apart from the one that has the name of our Prophet p.b.u.h printed on the model's chest (one does wonder how not a single person notices that piece sticking out like a sore thumb backstage and pull the model out before she gets off on the runway), I personally don't have anything against it. The models are not hijab-wearers anyway. Sure most of them are not purely islamic, meaning that for those who wear the hijabs, the pieces from the collection are not pret-a-porter (ready-to-wear) per se. But ask any covered fashionistas (read : Hana Tajima, Yuna) out there, almost any style from the runway can be tweaked here and there to make it work. Fashion is all about expressing yourself, a little bit of creativity and a whole lot of points for fun. Why so serious?

But of course, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

A-TOLL

Wah Malaysia ada tempat se-awesome ni! That's Pulau Layang-layang in Sabah.

Notice the curious shape. It most definitely doesn't look like a normal island. Made up of corals forming a ring shape, this type of island is more accurately referred as an 'atoll'. Yup, the island is formed entirely by corals. God IS grand, kan?

The list of marine species residing here is impressive. You name it, you got it.

If your idea of adventure is swimming with a giant school of sharks, then what this island has to offer is definitely right down your alley. Imagine swimming with this number of hammerheads! I want I want! Though from experience, given that the mere sight of a single black-tip reef shark has caused me a panic attack, the scenario above would probably make me sh*t my pants.

This will definitely go straight to my list of must-visit islands.

*Today's lesson : Laughing so hard for hours can cause you to get sore throats.*

Lifehouse

"I never have to choose, living a life with you,

or chasing lies, only half true."

Lifehouse was phenomenal live. The downside was, we didn't get to squeeze our way to the front row. Ughh. Buruk perangai. We should have gotten there earlier.

It was a no-fuss concert, held in a small hall, no fancy lighting or props, which is just the way I prefer it.

Jason Wade is amazing and he could have just sang the way the sings that makes your heart sways and the night would have been perfect as it is, but no, being the ever-so-sweet hottie, he made the tickets we bought worth more than what we paid by smiling at us halfway through the song 'You and Me', which got us into a frenzy, frenzier that the state we were already in. I know I know, it's like every concert that I went, I'll say that the lead singer smiled at me and the person I went to the concert with, but hey WE WERE THERE and YOU WEREN'T. ;p

New Obsession

SYes, it was another impulse purchase.

But no, this time, it is NOT going to be another passing obsession. Like the guitar and the E-drums and the rollerblade and the pink bicycle and...the list goes on and on..

It wasn't really an impulse buy per se, as I have been considering it for a while now. Can't wait to get the exams over with, just so I could go shopping for fabric and sew myself gorgeous 60s dresses (Astrid from Sew Sixties is my current inspiration) that would take no longer than two days and pretend that I'm on Project Runway how cool is that!!

Okay that is pretty ambitious for starters, even for a dreamer's standard like me. Let's begin with a curtain and pillowcases.

p.s : This machine is so cool, it has a light AND a thread cutter! Hah I'm unstoppable now! (Don't know if other sewing machines have those as this is my first but allow me to be ciwi* for a while.. )

*ciwi : the state of euphoria or high you get after a satisfactory purchase.

Wish List 1

Boyfriend, remember how I went on and on about wanting to wear a jumpsuit but not sure how while looking longingly at the gorgeous floral jumpsuit on the mannequin behind the display window? Well, here's Hana Tajima showing how :

Brilliant ain't it? Since winter has arrived (it has, for all I care, judging by the shivers I get whenever I step out of the house), I'll save this look for next summer!

In the meantime, I'm just in total awe for this :

Beyootiful. Thanks to stunning lady at Cameron Highlands who wore the classic black Doc Martens boots with girly summer dress. You've inspired me. Problem is, mahai nya boots ni! It sells at almost 200 Euros on e-bay, wth?? So it's gotta have to wait for a while..