One of Those Days

Yay to an unproductive Monday. I overslept, decided it was too late to go to the lab and deceived myself into believing that the time spent at home would be well-spent, in which I shall start on the write-up and now 7 hours later, not a single word has been produced in the yet to exist pages.

Half an hour before I should start cooking for berbuka.

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Do you know that India has 1 billion population, which is 1/6 of the world's total inhabitants? I still find it hard to wrap my head around the fact. In the heart of Mumbai, there lies what's supposed to be the biggest slum on Earth called Dharavi, in which 1 million people call their home. The majority of the household here do not have running water; they have to collect water from the main pipe every morning for their everyday use. Amazingly, almost every household has cable TV, with 150 channels. Takdak air takpa, Shah Rukh Khan kena ada.

Forgive my nerdiness, but all my favorite TV shows are on hiatus for the summer and I'm stuck watching documentaries for the moment.

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Few weeks back I watched Leon the Professional which is the debut film for the Natalie Portman. I was stunned by the beauty of the then 12-year-old starlet. I mean, she was not pretty the way a pretty 12-year-old should be; her beauty resembles more like that of an adult but with an air of innocence. Reminds me Nabokov's controversial character, Lolita.

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The world is coming apart at its seams and we still care of what our so-called friends on Facebook are up to.

But then again, what else should and could we do, right?

I wonder, which one is better; to be someone who cares about other people's feelings which makes us sometimes make promises that we might not be able to keep or be someone who simply doesn't give a royal eff?

Tough call.

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Oh and by the way, I stumbled upon this very interesting argument against Darwinism in one of Obe's blog's comment :

Protein cannot form unless the cell exists as an integral whole.

Darwinists can write as many deceptive books jam packed with formulae, produce as many false fossils as they like, make as many demagogic assaults on the scientific evidence for Creation as they choose or stick posters up full of fantastical illustrations and present these as exhibitions of evolution all over the place, but none of this will ever change the fact of their fundamental defeat. Because the worst nightmare for Darwinists is the very beginning of life. Darwinists HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO PRODUCE A SINGLE EXPLANATION of how just one protein came into being. This is an expression of the despairing situation into which, Dawkins, Futuyma, Tim White and all other Darwinists now find themselves. None of this demagoguery can resolve this great and stupendous rout in the face of a single protein. A SINGLE PROTEIN HAS TOTALLY DEMOLISHED DARWINISM.

This fact is of great importance in terms of the defeat of Darwinism:
- DNA is essential for a single protein to form
- DNA cannot form without protein
- Protein cannot form without DNA
- Protein cannot form in the absence of protein
- Sixty separate proteins are needed for a single protein to form
- Protein cannot form in the absence of any one of these
- Protein cannot form with no ribosome
- Protein cannot form with no RNA
- Protein cannot form without ATP
- Protein cannot form without the mitochondria to manufacture ATP
- Protein cannot form without the cell nucleus
- Protein cannot form without the cytoplasm
- Protein cannot form in the absence of a single organelle in the cell
- And proteins are necessary for all the organelles in the cell to exist and function
- There can be no protein without these organelles

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I have been searching waiting for a scientific explanation against Darwin's theory. It's not that I was ever swayed by the theory, I know I am not of the primate descendant, but the heart and the mind sometimes crave for something more concrete. I haven't read the link but will do later. This shall make for an interesting discussion with any atheist/agnostic I might encounter in the future.

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One of those time when you stumble upon one of God's perfect specimen in real life who seem to have everything in life. And you begin to look into yourself in shades of grey.

But really, if you look closer, you'll realize that you do have everything too.

15 Present Facts of My Life

1) My to-do-list is growing and all I want to do is just sleep this rainy weather off.

2) Or do sudoku and origami all day long while watching Shark Tank.

3) Chances are I won't do all of the above today.

4) But I will do them tomorrow. Today's Friday, Rebecca Black, sing it!

5) In Oregon, Switzerland and Netherlands, you can actually buy a prescription to end your life. Basically it's legal to commit suicide through medication under a doctor's supervision.

6) Apart from homicide, is there anything illegal in Netherlands?

7) The documentary on the suicide made me cry. The sadness of the whole situation is too overwhelming.

8) "My life has ended long ago. (chuckles) I just want to exit it." The saddest quote that is stuck in my head.

9) Now every time I see elderly people who can barely walk, with tubes coming out of their nose, nevertheless still pushing their cart around and doing their groceries alone, I get a massive urge to cry.

10) I want to eat murtabak and karipap so badly. Never have I felt so fond towards this food before.

11) I will make them tomorrow, if the urge is still there.

12) I miss my mom and my brother and my whole family. Not being able to go back this summer is such a bummer.

13) After reading about Alice and her bucket list (thanks to Twitter community for bringing the attention to something worthwhile this time), I went through mine which I have forgotten for quite some time now, and discovered that I can cross off one item from it : 'Travel to Italy with Fudhail.' When I wrote that down 3 years ago, I thought we would have to wait like 10 years to be able to do that. Terima kasih ibu bapa mertuaku ;D

14) I just wish I could broach THE sensitive matter gracefully. Chances are, if I did, it would just be so awkward that I would wish I've never brought up about it in the first place.

15) My room is in a state of the grandest mess like you wouldn't believe. Arrgh.

Of Wandering

Dear Mr. Ibrahim,

I'm writing to congratulate you on your brilliantly-put-together comment, worthy of an international coverage, which has Sydney Morning Herald reporting it, as can be read here.

Another one to add to the series of other internal affairs recently that has again managed to put Malaysia in the spotlight, albeit an unflattering one. But as they say, any press, rather than none at all, is good press, right? After all, comparing to the Ultraman chasing the tsunami comic, your statement couldn't have possibly done any more damage to Malaysia's image.

I understand that the statement might have been uttered under duress, for not getting it as much as you would have liked to. Well, first of all, let me tell you this : Sex might be a wife's duly duty to her husband, but not one that she can't enjoy herself. Otherwise, God wouldn't have bothered installing the Gs and the Cs, at all the appropriate places, into us. After all those years of being married and you still can't figure out what makes your wife tick, the next time your wife can't squeeze 15 minutes in between 'getting ready to visit the relatives' to be intimate with you, don't be so quick to think that finding a younger, more attractive woman is the solution; it might actually be a sex therapist.

Women don't have a switch on the back of her head that she can instantly turn on whenever you ask for sex. If you don't have a body resembling, Ryan Reynold's, and a drop-dead-gorgeous face like say, Bradley Cooper, just don't expect that your wife will be up to sex the moment you come home from work, belly bulging out from under your shirt (which is for most women unsexy and unattractive, just so you know and are not misguided by self-overestimation), reeking of a combination of sweat and stale perfume, announcing "Let's do it now." It just doesn't work like that.

You have to work your own way around the switches, you know.

I hope you are not offended by my God-honest opinion. I wish you luck in your future endeavors.

Yours sincerely,

Me.

Sun, Take Me Out To Play

1. My body's still out of gas after 6 hours of walking non-stop around Aachen and 4 hours of being in the train. The left part of my brain is beating a kind of music resembling a native African song. Even though it's Saturday, can't afford to laze around until my body gain its momentum since exam's in two days and I've failed this paper once. Don't want to have it go to the third attempt; the stake will be huge and the pressure will quadruple. Have to ace this one.

2. I know this is shallow but I've felt guilty (a little bit) about my spending habit here after learning what's going on in some part of the world and how little money they need to just get by since 'getting by' in their dictionary means 'luxury'. So the goal now is to get rich.

3. Seeing footage of the Japan's recent tsunami is horrifying. Amidst the ongoing crisis in Middle Eastern, the world is hit by a natural catastrophe of such magnitude (New Zealand, and now Japan). What's really becoming of the world? And what have I done so far to help? Nothing. Just praying while otherss are out there to actually help the people in those crisis? Hmm I wonder why the atheists like to poke fun at our belief....

4. On the phone with mom just now. She wanted to know the title of this one song that she really likes and has been playing over and over in her head but she didn't know the singer and can't even sing it back to me. ZzzzZzzz. How am I to figure out which song is that? The only clue she gave me was that the singer is a male, probably black, and young. Jeez, thanks mom for the very specific clue. But then she said, "Oooh I remember the song has a lyrics that goes a little bit like : I love you blabla but you won't do the same?" Haaa that was a bit more helpful hahaha. I started singing the song to her and she was so happy that that was the correct one. When I explain the lyrics of the song (Bruno Mars, Catch A Grenade, if you haven't figured it out already) which was pretty violent and graphic, she was like, "Aehh..tak dak la ganaz sangat." -.-''

5. My room is a total wreck. It's a good thing that my study table is stationed right in front of the window so that all the mess behind me can have a party as wild as they want and it won't bother me that much. Except when I have to walk to the door to go to the kitchen or to the bathroom. -.-''

6. Negativity is contagious. You are the words you chose. Maybe I've read too many financial planning book that I've turned into this motivational addict? Oh no. But really. Words that you choose to come out of your mouth is as important as the thing you put into your mouth. OUr brain is easily influenced by them.

Have a nice weekend y'all!

Looking Forward To....

Ever been very excited for something to happen, that your mind keeps wandering back to the possibility of that thing actually happening, in which you can visualize the scene vividly in your head?

Right now I'm afraid that my eagerness would somehow will it into not happening. I know, I know, it's all in the power of visualizing your goal that has got every legit motivator out there preaching about.. But would too much of a positive energy surrounding a thought eventually backfire and scare the thought away from reality, preventing the scene from taking place at all?

I've told myself not to give it that much thought, you know, that if it happens, it's a bonus, but if it doesn't, well bummers, but no big deal whatsoever.

But you know how when someone asks you not to picture a pink polar bear wearing a snug fit t-shirt saying "I'm not overweight, I'm just a polar bear" that you will inevitably find yourself thinking exactly just that; a pink polar bear wearing a snug fit t-shirt saying "I'm not overweight, I'm just a polar bear"?

The power of planting ideas in one's head. Funny. Prior to getting those hopeful thoughts, I've been pretty content with the prospect that it might not actually happen. But now. Now that there's a glimmer of hope, and I've gotten myself quite worked up over the idea, it would be quite devastating if it actually doesn't happen. No. I would be fiercely crushed. I would stay in my room and sulk all day long, going out just for peeing and drinking water. Yeah. That bad.

So far I've told two souls about it and let's hope that's not jinxing it.

And now this post?

Well. I didn't actually give the news away so it doesn't count.

Fingers crossed!

*big cheshire cat smile*

In about two months time, if it does actually happen, this is how I will look like, all the time, even in my sleep:

(scroll down for a little visual help....)

Nite everyone!

Wakeup Call

It's okay to feel like crap once in a while.

It's okay to feel that you are not in perfect control of your life sometimes; because truth is, you are not. A bigger force out there is dealing the cards for you. Though it's no excuse to sit on your ass and be lazy.

It's okay to not be little-miss-(may I please use the f-word here once, thanks)fucking-sunshine all the time. Nobody expects that from you.

But while you are dealing with all these issues, do know that life goes on. It doesn't skip a beat, in order to wait for you, just so you could have your diva moment.

I'm sure you must have seen countless scenes in the movies in which time seems to freeze for a moment when something disastrous happens to the main character and everything else seems to move in a slow motion. As if to give the character enough time to digest what has just happened, to assess the situation for a while, before having to snap back to reality and react.

Well, even though you are the centre of your own real-life drama, newsflash missy, reality doesn't work that way. So while you are busy indulging in self-pity or despair or state of confusion, the Earth keeps on rotating, and time doesn't loose its rhythm.

The thing is, you thought your shit is catastrophic enough to call for an emergency button, but in the harsh light of reality, it is not the end of the world. Most of the time, unfortunately, it is just not.

Still got your legs and hands in tact? Still have a functioning brain? Still breathing?

Chances are, you'll survive this one.

What are we to do

with all the beauty stretching out

behind us.

Technophobic

It is really annoying whenever I find myself in a situation in which I have to talk about things that I'm least informed on.

Like the latest gadgets in the market. It's not that I don't care, it's just that....

Well, fine, honestly, I just don't care.

Case of point number one :

I've been using a MacBook Pro for the last couple of months and naturally I have friends asking me about its specs. Technical specs, rather than the aesthetic ones. You know what, I'm the last person anyone should ask that question to. If you are not already sold on the product, you won't find yourself wanting to buy one after hearing me talk about it. No chance that Apple will appoint me as their spokesperson in this entire lifetime, even though they are going broke, and I'm the only person who's willing to work for them for free. Yeah, I stink that bad.

With my old laptop, all that I ever needed it for was to browse through Facebook pages, stream movies and songs, the occasional downloads, simple photo editing, Skype-ing, among other basic computing tasks.

When my 3-year-old Compaq was getting too problematic and too slo-o-o-w for my patience, for the well-being of my mental health, I decided to replace it. The price margin between a MacBook and other good laptops out there is not tremendously huge, so I thought why not go for it.

Things haven't changed with this new laptop. I still need it for those same basic tasks. I haven't developed a love for gaming or film editing so far.

So that's the story of how I ended up with a MacBook Pro without actually being a pro in computing and stuff. But after using it for quite some time now, I'm amazed by the effort those creative team at Apple has apparently put into the production of this machine, seeing how every littlest detail has not gone unnoticed. Getting used to this laptop takes a full day or two, but later, you'll be amazed at how easier easy things could get.

Feel like buying a MacBook Pro now? See?

Case of point number two :

Team Blackberry vs. Team iPhone vs. Androids?

Who cares?

I know, I don't. Not until the time comes when I actually have to decide between the three anyway.

See. That's what I hate. I hate that I sound like a total bimbo when I talk about gadgets.

And that label is quite bothersome because 1) I know I'm not actually stupid and 2) I know I'm not cute enough to appear adorable talking like a bimbo.

Period.

So yeah. I will try to be more informed about the whole gadget-craze in the future.

Are You A Memory or A Dream? I Seem To Conjure You From Both

Remembering things you wished you hadn't said or done in your past.

Cringing at the thought.

Cursing at the nothingness in your room.

Wishing you could erase or rewrite that entire chapter.

Realizing that it is not possible, not until that service in Eternal Sunshine is really available in real life.

Understanding that there's nothing else you can do about it except accepting that it happened and moving on, hoping it won't bite you in the ass again somewhere in the future.

Telling yourself that the experience had made you a better person in an attempt to soothe yourself somehow even if you are not sure of the entirety of truth behind it.

Repeating the whole cycle all over again once in a while.

Schon wieder?

Little Things

OK mmm aaaa I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post this picture...but I just have to! If by chance of fate somehow, the owner of this picture happen to stumble upon this page, and marah, I'm sorry! But your wedding is gorgeous I can't help it! *hope that's enough of a reason*

(pictures borrowed from DUCHESS PLACE Facebook fanpage)

Very whimsical yet still appears so stylish and exclusive. I've made a rough mental budget of the items used (plus, where to get them), and it's not going to cost a lot. Plus all the decorations can later be integrated into our new home. See. I'm such a good planner (more like a good reasoner when it comes to getting things I want hehe).

Oh and I just adore the origami thing-y hung from the ceiling. Seeing as I was super excited, boyfriend said I should start folding those cranes from now as a start. Sigh. Mock me all you want. I know you can't wait too.

*****

Current favourite show : Man Woman Wild from Discovery Channel.

More or less the same concept as Man vs. Wild except that instead of surviving alone, this guy has the luck to bring his wife with him. His not-so-outdoor-ish wife. Imagine convincing her eating snakes, killing cute possums (they are so cute....), stealing lion's kill...

Tapi yang paling tak logik. Husband dia punya suara. Dahla survival expert, ex-special force, gaya macho tak boleh belah, pastu suara pulak kena suara Rambo. Suara action movies hero -.-'

I never thought that some people actually can talk like that in normal conversation; I thought there's a special technique in which one makes his voice sounds that way for purpose of say, narrating a serious documentary, or doing commercials.

Maybe I'll get over the ridiculousness of the perfectness of his voice soon. Though that doesn't stop me from enjoying the show.

*****

Ok. Now can go back to studying. Hehe.

Irgendwo Anders

As much as I would love to keep my feet dry and stay neutral amidst all this mess, once you've disrespected my mom, oh dude, that's it. That's really it.

Taking out your anger anger and displeasure about something on Facebook statuses...man, you've stooped down to a new low. I mean, who does that? A 15-year-old Bieber fan lashing on Bieber haters or Selena Gomez (Bieber's new squeeze) might be forgiven. But an adult? Come on la.

Maybe you need a visit to the psychiatrist; and I'm saying that with love. If an idea of seeing a psychiatrist is scary, well, I have a friend who is a brother who is a psychiatrist and he looks just like a regular next-door-guy. In case you too, like me, have an image of evil psychiatrists sitting in a dingy office with equipments of torture in his basement.

I still have so much love for you, I really do. 23-years of relationship doesn't get swiped away easily in a blink of an eye, unless there is such thing as that service in Eternal Sunshine.

So much has been said. So much has been done. I know we can never go back to the old times. That would be nearly impossible; though still probable.

Now I just want you to give the people that I love peace. Granny is not getting any younger.

Funny Little Thing

I will stop talking about people behind their back just to give me the right to judge people who talk about other people behind other people's back.

Sounds fair enough to me.

*****

Rasa macam nak piat telinga orang yang post kat Facebook cakap bila Malaysia nak revolusi macam kat Egypt? Fikir dulu bila cakap, boleh tak? Memanglah kerajaan kat Malaysia ada corruption, ada nepotism, ada serba-serbi segala-galanya, tapi keadaan negara kita tak seteruk Egypt kan? Egypt, negara yang tiap-tiap tahun tak berhenti pelancong seluruh dunia datang tapi majoriti rakyat masih hidup bawah tahap kemiskinan. Mana pergi semua duit tu?

Negara kita aman damai. Lagi ramai kanak-kanak kat Malaysia yang pergi sekolah daripada yang terpaksa bekerja untuk bantu sara hidup keluarda. Jadi buat apa kita pilih nak huru-hara macam keadaan kat Middle East tu? Berapa ramai orang awam mati, cedera sepanjang demonstrasi kat situ? Sanggupkah kalau salah seorang daripada ahli keluarga kita, rakan-rakan rapat kita mati kena tembak, kena pijak, kena bom dalam rusuhan macam tu?

Orang-orang yang lebih kurang macam ni la, tapi versi ekstrem sikit, kalau dalam demonstrasi aman, mereka yang akan triggerkan kacau bilau. Macam kalau dalam pilihan raya, orang-orang macam ni la terjerit-jerit, terkinja-kinja, bakar poster bendera, nak mula bertumbuk semua. Orang-orang macam ni la, bila ada perselisihan faham yang boleh diselesaikan dengan cara lain, tapi pergi pijak-pijak bangkai kepala lembu untuk bantah pembinaan kuil. Orang-orang macam ni jugak la, yang begitu semangat dan berani untuk ke barisan hadapan demi memperjuangkan hak, tanpa betul-betul mendalami nilai hak itu sendiri. Mereka semacam suka nak be in the middle of the chaos.

Adrenalin dan testosteron ja yang lebih.

Saya emotional sebab tak nak tanah tumpah darah kacau bilau.

Bukan memandang rendah perjuangan orang-orang kat Tunisia, Egypt, cuma rasanya situasi kat Malaysia sekarang tak menuntut sesuatu yang seekstrem itu.

*****

How do I pretend to be comfortable for the sake of your happiness? I'm trying. Quite hard actually. Inside I'm crying.

*****

Can one be sad and happy at the same time? Or maybe only one part is real and the other make-believe.

Or maybe it cancels each other out so at the end of the day, I am just OK. Nor sad or happy.

Tagged

Tomorrow's my second paper but my fingers are just itching to write. So one way to scratch that itch is to do a super quick post by answering some tags. Tagged by whom? Sendiri punya tag, aci tak? Hahaha haha ha ha. *nervous, nerdy laughs* Boo hoo. Lame.

This is pretty retarded and makes no shred of sense for other people except for me but oh well. Here's the tag :

10 things I could think of to say to 10 different people at this moment.

1. Please don't put crazy-ass-general-very-vague questions in the Klausur tomorrow; like the ones you normally asked in class. But if you must, then please, be freizuegig with the marks.

2. It's a sweet gesture but, dude, we are not buddies! Don't take it personally, I think you are just fine. The thing is, we are connected through that particular someone and I am not comfortable in having a direct relationship with you without that middle person. At least not yet.

3. Where's my frigging 300-ish Euros? Oh and while you are at it, do work out on the 700-ish pending claim.

4. You are the main reason I've pulled through with as little damage as possible. Thank you.

5. Sorry it has taken quite some time but I'm sure you will love the surprise, buddy! No point in saying sorry, you have no idea about the surprise anyway.

6. I'm not sure what you are doing or not doing, but it won't end up like that; that I know for sure. Though it's pretty amusing watching it happens.

7. I think you are super awesome. Like really, really uber awesome. Seriously you are one of the awesomest in the Awesome Land. Which includes me and several other awesome people I know.

8. I perfectly understand what you are trying to tell me, but I still want to go ahead with it.

9. Please save some respect for yourself, darling.

10. Thank you for all you have done. I miss you.

P.s : Moon please buat tag ni! Anyone else who feels like it is very much welcomed too.

MAKE SOME NOISE FOR FABIO, SOLE NICARAGUA SURVIVOR

Setiap kali tengok Survivor, bila favourite contestant kena vote off, ataupun tak menang sejuta, Encik Boyfriend yang penyabar mesti jadi mangsa mendengar keluhan hati. Yes, I still watch Survivor. It's the ultimate reality TV show y'all, no other show can compete! The Mole comes in second.

I suppose he was getting tired hearing me complaining about the collective stupidity of the survivor contestants for always NOT handing the 1 million bucks to my favourite contestant. He said, "Maybe you should stop picking a favourite contestant. Maybe only then, he/she'll win."

Fine.

But look at what just happened today. Fabio wins! He wins the million dollar! Take that, Encik Fudye! Someone I picked actually win! (I screamed when they announced him as the winner, dah la tengah makan time tu, nasib baik Tash tak tersedak)

OKla, technically, he wasn't my favourite from the beginning. Had a hard time picking my favourite this season. Either they are bitchy/assholic, or downright boring. Awal-awal Fabio tu mengingatkan aku kat character Ashton Kutcher dalam Dude Where's My Car. All brawn and beauty but no brains. Sikit-sikit "Sup dude?" Nama sebenar dia Jud, tapi orang nicknamed dia Fabio sebab dia dumb blonde, male version 2.0. And the name stuck.

Then suddenly. When his life is on the line because all of his alliances have been voted off, he stepped up his game, winning three challenges in a row. Dah la dia terer puzzles. Guys yang tak nampak skema tapi terer puzzle, dapat extra coolness point in my book. But heh. Takdak gunanya semua itu. Encik Boyfriend jugak pujaan hati.

Hmm I think I could go quite far in Survivor... Hehe. No, really. I'm not too annoying (I think) to make people want to vote me off on the first day, I can be quite competitive in physical challenges so my tribe members would want to keep me around, I'm pretty sure nobody will look at me as a threat, and I am good at puzzles! Though my willingness to trust people rather easily could become my Achilles's heels. Malaysia, come on, make your own Survivor show! Enough with the singing reality craps already.

But..on second thought. I love indoor toilets. With running, clean, tap water. And I love brushing my teeth. And food! And comfortable bed. Oh yeah I really do love them all. SIGH.

Blogger-blogger Gelap

A lot of bloggers that I enjoy reading have decided to go on a hiatus recently. Some of them have gone completely MIA.

Que pasa? Que pasa?

As much as I enjoy reading the reliable bloggers out there who update like every other day, I still crave a daily fix of dark, thought-provoking posts of real people going about their real everyday lives.

It's mind-numbing (for me, at least) reading blogs of people who seem to be wired to be miss positive all the time. I mean, good for them though.

But I can't be miss fucking sunshine all the time. And it's comforting, almost soothing, knowing that other people can't too. A selfish reason, I know. But an honest one.

So people, please write. And don't stop writing.

Just So You Know

Whatever happened, happened.

Wherever this road may lead, truly deep down inside me, I just want you to be happy. That, you haven't been in quite a long time. My words and actions might not coincide, but I'm rooting for your happiness. It's just that, it takes some time to digest things, you know.

I might be 23 years old, but sometimes I deal with uncomfortable things like a toddler does; run and hide under the bed or behind the door, wishing that the glass that was broken or whatever mess I've accidentally got myself in would soon evaporate into thin air, taking with it all my worries and problems.

Sooner or later, I'm positive that I'll get around to it, don't you worry.

Spoken words fail me all the time. The thousands of words inside of me just refuse to cooperate during times when I need them the most.

If I could just hug you right now, I'm sure you'll know everything I wanted to say without me ever having to say a word.

Changes

I like changes. What's wrong with changes anyway. My room would never go a month without going through some adjustments, however minor. Now I know 23 ways of furniture arrangements that wouldn't work in my room with such limited space and overwhelming amount of stuff. And I've learnt that waking up to your own reflection in the mirror, on some mornings when you don't look like the starlets on TV do with their perfectly tousled hair and looking pretty even with their squinted eyes still coated with sleepiness, is not really a good way to set your mood for the whole day.

It might take me some time to try Japanese food and found out that I actually like it. I might be the biggest chicken ever. I might be doomed at birth, stuck with a star (Cancer, if you're wondering) that says I'm supposed to be someone who is scared of changes. But still, I try to be open to changes and new things.

The point is, I think I have quite a healthy attitude towards changes.

But.

When things don't need fixing, why fix it?

And, and even if they do need fixing, can't they wait? I mean, is it fatal if it doesn't get fixed? Can't we all do without it? Really?

Things are just moving too fast. I think there's enough plot in the last 5 years in my life to create a whole drama series that could last longer that any of Yusof Haslam's, the likes of Sembilu, Gerak Khas, Si Capik. And I can guarantee of the originality and suspense. (Just so you know, I'm not a hater, proof : back during Awie-Erra's craze, I used to go see his movies at the cinemas with the whole family all the time..)

Blergh. This reminds me of the talk I have with a girlfriend last night.

I truly know what I want. I feel it pulsating in my heart. But when it comes to putting it into words, I swear I've heard more sensible things from the mouth of my 4-year-old cousin.

Fatty Issue

Conversation revolving around a picture posted by someone on FB whose existence might or might not be be real, thus rendering this conversation in a limbo of its authenticity:

A : Chanteknya U! Skinny summore. I dah gemok sekarang. *sadface*

B : Kurus? Mane ade. I gummox. U pon kurus pe.

A : Takkkk! U kurus lagi! I yg gem.

B : Nooooo! U're skinnier. And prettier.

A : No way! I makan like all the time okay. I obese. U're def skinnier. *jealous mode*

B : U makan je bnyk tp tak gemok2 pon, tak macam I. Mcm belon skrg. =(

Me : OK FINEEE! You're both FAT eventho you're actually just fine. Happy now???

Note to self : Ranting about getting fat or being fat in public medium (read : FB) is somewhat annoying.

HAV

I've wrote about HAV a long time ago. Still remember about Friendster? I used to blog there. Yeah, ancient times.

While sorting out my life and its course and after the pact I've made with the boyfriend, what I wrote back then struck a chord deep within my core.

HAV : Half-assed Version. Basically it means a half-hearted-attempted version of you. It is you, but not quite there.

The world deserves the best version of you because there is never going to be someone else just like you are.

If need be, I'm going to use all the toilet paper in the world.

A Love Letter

Dear you,

I hope you know just what you're doing to your life and your future. Future. I think the meaning of the word just escapes you. Sometimes I do wish I can be a little bit more like you. I think most of us wish so. To live in the moment with reckless abandon and indulge in the most hedonistic ways, without restrictions of any rules. To just part-ay and part-ay and pa and pa and part-ay, like that very annoying song that's a favourite of yours. That'd be quite a life, no? It's just that, some of us are more aware of the rules restricting us than others. Scared is another word, if you insist.

Me the scaredy-cat. Maybe I am. But what set us apart from the naked-ass apes are these sets of rule and the fact that they are living in the jungles of amazon and we are here. I think if we take them out there and put them here in our civilized world, they'll as quickly turn into a lazy, greedy, drunk, stoned and violent bunch who fucks anything with a hole at every opportunity they have. Maybe not all, that'd be too ambitious, but a variation of combinations of those characters. But we don't need apes to give us those, we already have a lot of that here and now.

You don't know shit. You're just the geeky goody-two-shoes. You know what? Yes, maybe I do not know shit after all. But what I know for sure is that, once the dust settles down, once the euphoria fades and all those supposed friends pack up their ass and let you rot alone, I will be there to pick you up under the ruins. I think you know that too and maybe that puts me at the losing end. I know you love me but you have no idea just how much I love you. Loving someone puts you at such disadvantage because you don't know what you'll be presented with in return. At least the risk I'm taking in loving you is balanced with the love I know will always be waiting for me from that exceptional person who has been with me through all of this.

I'm writing this because I feel helpless that I can't reach to you anymore. I'm losing you slowly and she knows it too. My only wish now is that you will fall sooner so that I can pick you up sooner and this could all disappear into a nightmare of the past sooner.

With lots of love,

Me.

A rock star and a princess.

Our kind comes with a lot of dramas and insecurities.

YOU of all people should KNOW BETTER.