BitterSweet

I'm human sir, so I judge. With you, I judge profusely. And by every standard that I measured you against, I have to say, that you have managed to fail gloriously in every single one that it becomes a record. You stoop so low that you are one of a kind.

I'm rarely and deliberately rude to anyone even to those I can't stand but you are just the kind of person, the first one ever, whose feelings and thoughts I don't give a rat's ass about.

So sir, beware. Don't be shocked and be very scared that I'm not all smiles and sugar. You are about to get a taste of my bitter medicine and it ain't gonna be pretty.

Wrong Side of The Bed

Dear Summer,

Thanks for being a no-show all this while. NOT. And don't you dare show up in full blast when Ramadan's here and we can only have a look at those gelato ice-cream lining up in all imaginable flavors behind the counter.

Love,

Me.

*****************************************************************************

Dear all Muslim who's outraged at the media treatment to us relating to the reporting of Norway's shooting and bombing,

I can understand how you feel, I feel it too. 82 teenagers were killed point blank and their only crime is taking a stand for what they believe in; a peaceful and tolerant country who treats everyone with equality. To understand the magnitude of this crime, I suggest you count from 1 up to 82. I bet you wouldn't even do it because it'll take that long, right? Right. So it is a great loss. So get over yourself and stop being such a diva. Nak komplen boleh, tapi jangan over sangat that it borders to insensitivity. Tak payah nak lebih-lebih kat fesbuk sampai mencarut-carut sangat la.

Sincerely,

Me.

*****************************************************************************

Dear one piece of certificate that I've spend the past years of my life on,

You better be fucking worth it.

Eternally yours,

Me.

*****************************************************************************

Dear Amy Winehouse,

You are beautiful and wonderful. At long last, you finally walked away from your good-for-nothing man Blake. But that also means walking away from your own life. I wish it could have ended differently. Sometimes love alone is not enough to make up for all the things he put you through; drugs and heartaches and everything. You definitely deserved better. RIP.

Your big fan,

Me.

*****************************************************************************

Dear coffee,

If I could discover a substitute for you, one that tastes the same but does not stain the teeth I think I would be richer beyond man's imagination. Mark Zuckerberg can kiss my pretty ass.

Addicted to you,

Me.

Train of Thought Continued

Continued from the previous post :

The lack of freedom of speech in our country is at times so well-ingrained within us that most of the population has almost accepted it as it is. Though it won't stay that way for too long, that I'm pretty sure of, seeing as to how the younger generation comprising of intelligent and outspoken lot has been fighting increasingly harder for it. Kudos.

This reminds me of an occasion I've encountered back in high school. A couple of friends and I decided to start our own monthly school magazine, reporting on the eventful happenings around us. It was purely for fun, you know, I even contemplated having a gossip column in it, so the magazine wasn't created out of respect for journalism really.

At that time, I remember that everyone was talking about, or rather, complaining about the conduct of LDPs (prefects) in our school. With the endless spot check after spot check, sometimes for the silliest things, like if we girls were wearing our kain dalam or not. Ridiculous, right? That's what I thought. What do you care what's going on beneath our clothes? If I do not want to wear a slip underneath my skirt, that's because the fabric that my uniform's made of is already thick enough as it is, leaving me sweating like a pig most of the time, in Langkawi's unforgiving heat. You were telling me, I can't even decide that for myself? Oh, please. Bite me.

And for those, who did not want to wear a camisole, choosing to show off their bras, well that's their call, I'd say. The horny boys were going to get horny anyways even without the visual help.

There's also the regular spot checks on handphones, cassette/CD-players, cassettes and CDs... But the suspicious thing is that, the LDPs themselves have never really been caught, even though some of them didn't wear camisole, anak tudung, kain dalam whatsoever. Leaving us mortal human being having to stand directly under the sun as a punishment for being caught. Of course, that created sort of a tension between us regular people and the LDPs.

So a friend of mine wrote an article poking fun at the lack of transparency of the LDPs. It was written in a good-natured kind of way; no cursed words were used, it wasn't overtly disrespectful, it was actually funny. I really think it would make an interesting read for the students, as a lot of people can relate to the content of the article. The only problem with the article was, it was reporting the truth.

The teacher, who was our advisor, pulled me aside and told us not to run that article. End of story. Looking back, I should have stood by the article and we should have all fought for it. Whatever that might happen if we decided to fight, I think I would have been more proud of myself.

The Shiz

Watched an intriguing documentary reporting on the mass media's disinformation.

One of the media's dirty trick is to plant horrific images into our heads, to scare us into accepting a lie. The image of the crumbling Twin Tower was linked to Saddam Hussein despite there being no direct relation whatsoever did the trick. Facts don't matter. Perceptions are king.

During the 20s, one of the first successful documented propaganda was to get women to smoke. Prior to that, smoking was deemed unbecoming for women, and should they choose to smoke, it would be best done behind closed doors. The media got a group of women, who epitomizes the zeitgeist of the emancipated women of that time, modern and strong, to parade down the main street while smoking. Proudly. And it worked. Later after that, smoking became the symbol of liberated women. Pretty clever scheme huh?

While watching the report, I was thinking, "How stupid can we all be?"

To not be able to separate the truths from the lies. To not be able to question.

Don't we have a mind of our own anymore?

Maybe our generation, growing up spoiled with the latest technology, has gotten lazy over time. The time we had managed to save thanks to all these technology, we don't know what to do with it. Except to provide us more time to laze around more. We have became such lazy bums. Searching for the highs of pure entertainment after entertainment to pass the time.

We have gotten lazy to do the thinking for ourselves. We let other people do it for us. It can be the media, the peers, the parents, the sibling we look up to, the boyfriend, etc. Most people might disagree with what I'm going to say but I'm going to say it anyway; we like having people telling us what to do. We really do. We are lost without. We can't decide what's good for ourselves, for our mind, for our life. Which is not half as bad. Easier for us, easier for them to control us.

Murphy's Law

It started to occur that something's up with me when my body started to prefer a plain warm water over a thick warm cappuccino. That's weird.

And then when I went to sleep early last night, I didn't hear the alarm and woke up after 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. That's also weird, because even without an alarm clock, if I'm not overtly exhausted, my natural body clock would wake me up after about 8 hours of sleep.

Of all the days that my body can choose to have a rising body temperature while oozing all the gooey gunk out of my nose, it picked today.

And I have an exam in 7 hours.

Murphy's law at play? Let's hope the law stops at gunk and leave my exam alone.

Monday Morning

Think I've found a new feel-good-song to sing loudly on any given bad or not-so-awesome day. Doesn't mean that I'm replacing my all-time-favourite All-Star by Smashmouth which has been there for me for years and years already I think I've developed a relationship with the song already, as far as a relationship with a song could go. But the competition that this new song poses is quite big that I'm having a hard time not to put this no. 1 on my list of favourites.

Now every single crack, every penny that I pass,
says I should either leave or pick it up
But with every single buck I've made
I'm saddled with bad luck that came

Oh be calm. Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

*****

Having friends over for the past few days helped in lessening the withdrawal syndrome from the boyfriend. Now that he's started working, I feel like I'm being selfish if I still want to tell him every single pathetic detail of my daily musings and worries. Oh well. Perhaps I can start ranting here. If you think what I've ranted so far is emotional, then you might have a little clue on what he must have gone through.

*****

You don't guilt someone into doing something. That's just not how we roll around here, dude.

*****

I hate having nothing to do. I hate being bored. I just hate it; it drives me crazy. Thus all the constant distractions; the sewing, the TV series, the blogs, the clothes, the sudokus/kakuros, the books, the magazines, the craft projects, etc. Lately I hate waking up so early with not much to do except studying. To start on my sewing project with exams close approaching seem absurd and a little too ambitious. Maybe God heard my prayer and granted me important things to do early on Monday morning. It's a blessing in disguise really; in form of losing my purse.

Time to visit the police station to report for stolen/missing things for the second time in Doshland. Yay!

*****

Funny Little Thing

I will stop talking about people behind their back just to give me the right to judge people who talk about other people behind other people's back.

Sounds fair enough to me.

*****

Rasa macam nak piat telinga orang yang post kat Facebook cakap bila Malaysia nak revolusi macam kat Egypt? Fikir dulu bila cakap, boleh tak? Memanglah kerajaan kat Malaysia ada corruption, ada nepotism, ada serba-serbi segala-galanya, tapi keadaan negara kita tak seteruk Egypt kan? Egypt, negara yang tiap-tiap tahun tak berhenti pelancong seluruh dunia datang tapi majoriti rakyat masih hidup bawah tahap kemiskinan. Mana pergi semua duit tu?

Negara kita aman damai. Lagi ramai kanak-kanak kat Malaysia yang pergi sekolah daripada yang terpaksa bekerja untuk bantu sara hidup keluarda. Jadi buat apa kita pilih nak huru-hara macam keadaan kat Middle East tu? Berapa ramai orang awam mati, cedera sepanjang demonstrasi kat situ? Sanggupkah kalau salah seorang daripada ahli keluarga kita, rakan-rakan rapat kita mati kena tembak, kena pijak, kena bom dalam rusuhan macam tu?

Orang-orang yang lebih kurang macam ni la, tapi versi ekstrem sikit, kalau dalam demonstrasi aman, mereka yang akan triggerkan kacau bilau. Macam kalau dalam pilihan raya, orang-orang macam ni la terjerit-jerit, terkinja-kinja, bakar poster bendera, nak mula bertumbuk semua. Orang-orang macam ni la, bila ada perselisihan faham yang boleh diselesaikan dengan cara lain, tapi pergi pijak-pijak bangkai kepala lembu untuk bantah pembinaan kuil. Orang-orang macam ni jugak la, yang begitu semangat dan berani untuk ke barisan hadapan demi memperjuangkan hak, tanpa betul-betul mendalami nilai hak itu sendiri. Mereka semacam suka nak be in the middle of the chaos.

Adrenalin dan testosteron ja yang lebih.

Saya emotional sebab tak nak tanah tumpah darah kacau bilau.

Bukan memandang rendah perjuangan orang-orang kat Tunisia, Egypt, cuma rasanya situasi kat Malaysia sekarang tak menuntut sesuatu yang seekstrem itu.

*****

How do I pretend to be comfortable for the sake of your happiness? I'm trying. Quite hard actually. Inside I'm crying.

*****

Can one be sad and happy at the same time? Or maybe only one part is real and the other make-believe.

Or maybe it cancels each other out so at the end of the day, I am just OK. Nor sad or happy.

Spinning On the Pivot of Chaos

I'm sure you've seen the spinning woman test as ads on numerous website pages. (try the test here, and let's compare result! ;)) Most of the time, I bet you just ignore them. Like I did. Up until last night. While taking a short break from Kinect (we were busting our asses to get the 5 gold stars for all songs), I'd decided to give it a try.

I immediately saw the woman pivoting clockwise. Tash told me that she could alternate the direction of which the woman is spinning. I tried to see it, but just couldn't.

I've concentrated, tried all the tips that she'd given me, but no. I failed. The woman kept spinning in the clockwise direction. Wth? It was frustrating. Very frustrating. I felt like the naked Emperor. I felt like being in a crowd in which everyone was pointing to the sky, admiring a double rainbow, and I was the one isolated, not being able to see what everyone else could.

After several failed attempts, I succeeded. The trick was to concentrate on the tip of the foot and change the reality that you were seeing.

Later I learnt that the majority would see it turning anti-clockwise. Suddenly the fact that I am in the minority makes the whole frustration pointless; in fact it is gratifying to be one of the minority.

Those who see it turning clockwise mainly relies more on their left side of the brain, which handles the creative processes of the brain. They hate details, are big (day)dreamers, remember faces but not names. Well that explains it.

My theory is, the years I've spent here have gradually hampered my right brain function. My math skills has degraded, and to think that I used to be quite good at it. Now it's just a mess.

Anyhow, I'm not lamenting because I prefer my current perspective of life and its abundance of possibility.

*****

For the record, I can't pronounce the letter 'R' since forever. And I didn't purposely mispronounce the letter to be unique. To clarify a mean accusation from the boyfriend.

*****

Jangan jual diri anda pendek. Untuk apa jua sekalipun.

*****

I think Najib's effort to answer questions posted on his Twitter is a good idea. It provides a direct communication between him and the people.

*****

I just learned that Pompeii is actually in Italy. How in the world did I get the impression that it is in Vietnam all this while is pretty disturbing.

*****

Have a great relaxing Sunday everyone!

Update : On 2010, 2011, Food, Dr Rozmey, Melayu, 1984, Crybaby, and Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You..

Been immersed in a lot of distractions lately; hence the lack of updates here. I am attempting to put my thoughts into words here tonight for all the time I've been MIA, so this is going to be a long post. And perhaps a boring one, for all of you. You've been warned.

2010, 2011

With the dawn of the year 2011 approaching, the 2010 year end is slowly inching closer. I'm excited to welcome the new year. This is where I want to be and I am grateful.

Despite some of the bad choices and calculations, I think the small achievements I've gathered over the year are more than enough of a reason to make me look back at year 2010 with a smile. I've learned new strokes of swimming. Had a perfect summer with the people I love. Spent a lot of quality time with my mom and little brother. Met interesting people and made new friends. Had a wonderful, albeit short island vacation. Gone through an amazing experience which opens my eyes to what I would like to do with my career if I were to pursue it. I've seen a shark in the wild. Climbed a 5-wall. I've shot a gun, with real bullets. I mean you've got to admit, that's pretty badass. Ngahehehe.

And I've finally learned how to sew! This girl, who used to be the black sheep in the Home Economics class, who always ended up with bruises on her upper arms and ehem, chest area (thanks to the wicked witch of a teacher), have successfully sewn a 60s mod dress and a cute oversized bag. More projects to come, just waiting for my beautiful fabrics flown across the sea. So excited! Anyways, I wasn't kidding about my evil teacher because really, she did traumatized me into HATING anything remotely domestic, like cooking and sewing. Until recently.

Though, I love housekeeping. A little bit obsessed, you can say. My room gets a makeover almost every month. Whenever I get the housekeeping itch, there's no stopping me, I'll be possessed into organizing every single thing. But that's because I got it from my mom, and the organizing part from my dad (it still feels weird that I remember and talk about him a lot but don't get to talk to him anymore). My teacher can't make me hate something that's imprinted in my genes.

The year is ending on a good note too, with news that makes me breathe a sigh of relief. Silver lining does exists, I guess. Next week, there'll be good companies, particularly this one very happening chick (you know who you are, get your a$$ over here a.s.a.p la macha). I will be spending the christmas eve in Brussels with a long-time close friend, getting high with their heavenly waffles, extra toppings, please. My metabolism will be working on overdrive but that's okay.

Food

Speaking of metabolism. I am eating a lot lately. A lot more than I normally do. I'll be in the middle of eating something, and already I'm thinking of what to eat right next after that. Back to back. Rasa macam berbadan dua la pulak. Kalau macam ni la sepanjang winter, hadoii, kena contact Dr. Rozmey ni. Mungkin inilah pembalasan suka mempermain-mainkan rambut dia. Hmm. This sudden appetite surges scares me, for sure. To the point of considering taking some sort of appetite suppressants. I don't even bother to step onto the scale anymore (I actually do, but I just cursed the penimbang after that.) All I want for christmas is a wicked metabolism.

Dr. Rozmey

Speaking of Dr. Rozmey. I've spent six months this year in Malaysia tanah tumpah airku. My mom's newspaper of choice is Harian Metro (except for Sundays, which are reserved for The Stars). Some people might call it akhbar picisan but hey, the world is in quite a depressing state as it is, so don't look down on other people who appreciate the trivial happenings to lighten things up a bit. So anyways. Back to Dr. Rozmey. I mean, this guy is sure hard to miss. He is the definition of ubiquitous. Tiap-tiap hari disogokkan dengan promosi filem 2 Alam beliau. 40 juta dia target. I've to admit, annoying jugak dia punya promosi. Very in-your-face. Very imposing. And now the movie's out and it's not doing as well as he predicted, a lot of people can't seem to wipe that smirk of their face. Schadenfreude much? Adakah ini salah satu attitude yang exclusively Malay?

Melayu

Ingat tak post pasal Dr. Mahathir's statement tentang Melayu tu? Kalau tak ingat, takpa. Kalau curious, pi cari balik post tu and baca. Malas nak buat ringkasan hehe. I think Tun didn't mean to imply that our race is stupid, but there's something wrong with our ingrained habit. I know I haven't seen or experienced life enough as Tun surely has had to make a substantial statement on this topic, but allow me to share my opinion. Malays are creatures of comfort. Warga yang sangat chillax. Very contrary to the kiasu Singaporeans. Ingat tak dulu zaman sekolah-sekolah, antara perkataan yang femes ialah 'gipang', 'pulun' dan 'skema'. All of which implies negativity. Jadi kita dah diajar sesiapa yang suka berlumba-lumba untuk ke depan tu, dia pulun, gipang, dan itu adalah ciri-ciri yang tidak baik. Aku pon macam tu jugak. Mengata sekaki. Kita tak suka take charge of things. Kita suka orang lain take charge sebab menyenangkan hidup dan kerja kita. Tapi kita nemgutuk orang tu sebab macam bajet bagus. Kita nak, kerja senang goyang kaki, tapi pulangan berbaloi-baloi. Kita pemalas, tapi nak berjaya. Mana nak cari beb? Oh lupa. Kat Malaysia macam-macam ada. Kadang-kadang, bukan pemalas pon, tapi susah nak ambil the road not taken, the extra mile that will get you there. Takut sungguh nak tinggalkan kepompong, tinggalkan comfort zone.

Kalau anda bukan macam tu, tahniah (aku masih lagi mencari-cari kekuatan untuk tak masuk acuan tu). Those few Malays who do not fit these stereotypes, are destined to be the successful ones. That's my opinion la. Feel free to share your opinion on this.

Time praktikal haritu, I've had the chance to visit two fishing villages. Memang senang nak teka mana satu kampung nelayan Melayu, mana satu kampung nelayan Cina. Mana yang ada banyak bot besar (bot laut dalam) dan kilang pemprosesan, haa yang tu la perkampungan nelayan Cina. Kalau perkampungan nelayan Melayu, bot-bot kecik ja. Kalau interview nelayan Melayu, most of them will lament on their fate, thinking that we might bring some help in for them. The surveyor I went with said to me, it's the same story everywhere. It did make me feel grateful for what we as a family have, but then, one has to wonder why accounts for such apparent difference? Pure coincidence? You be the judge.

1984

This is about the novel that has been occupying a lot of my time and my mind lately. Nineteen Eighty-Four. A classic from The Animal Farm guy, George Orwell. If you haven't read it, then find a copy, buy, borrow, steal (and return it quietly back later), whichever way you have to, but you've got to read it. You can't have someone read and then tell you the story because it just won't work. I tried with my boyfriend, but the plot is so intricately woven that you have to tell every page to do the story justice. It's a book that will change the way you look at the world, really (that's a cliche line but the most fitting). It will haunt you, I guarantee.

Crybaby

Speaking of the boyfriend. He told me one thing that he can't promise if we were to grow old together is : to not make me cry. I don't blame him though. Every type of emotion has at some point overwhelmed me to the brink of tears. Watching Spiderman 3 for the umpteenth time. Kena usik dengan adik sendiri. Kena delete dengan adik sendiri dari Facebook. Terharu. Gembira. Sedih apatah lagi. Risau. Geram. You get the point. Remember an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Ted had a crush on that crybaby Robin worked with? The blonde girl who cried about the dead horse? I mentioned it to the boyfriend, how annoying she was. Sikit-sikit nangis, pastu gedik-gedik manja. Merengek. Menyampah. And he was like, "Errr..." And the realization hit me. Oh God no. I am that annoying girl. With the people that I really trust and can let my guards down la. Contohnya seperti si dia (tiba-tiba teringat cikgu BM pernah ajar dulu perkataan 'seperti' maksudnya bukan yang sebenar, cuma mirip kepada yang sebenar, kiranya penggunaan aku tadi tak tepat la). Dan adik sendiri. Sheesh. Kalau tengok cerita sedih (Toy Story 3 termasuk kategori sedih ok!), itu lain cerita. Depan sapa-sapa pon boleh terjadi.

Anyhoo. I've read about a study that concludes that when you cry, if the first tear comes from your right eye, it's a cry of happiness. If it's from the left eye, it's out of pain. Remember that next time you cry.

Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You

Sejak-sejak ibu pandai guna internet ni, I've been getting sweet e-cards every morning that the first thing I do when I wake up is check my e-mail. Such a great way to jumpstart the day; a mushy card from your mom. Hehehe. Semalam ibu hantaq e-card. Sepatutnya keluaq lagu tapi card tu senyap ja dan kosong, save for a note "Miss you, hope you like this song". Time tengah confuse-confuse cari lagu tak keluaq-keluaq tu dapat sms cari ibu, dia tanya dapat tak lagu dia hantaq? Haha comel tak ibuku tercinta. Setelah disiasat, rupa-rupanya dia nak hantaq lagu ni, yang Heath Ledger nyanyi. Double the comel-ness!

Ok penat membebel. Nak beradu. Have a great Monday y'all!