Raya Haji 2011

Every end marks a new beginning.

So this nagging feeling of anxiety has no solid ground, basically. Well, to a certain extent it kinda does but to put all the senseless dissection (which I have done countless times these past few days in my mind) into words will take up more time and I'm kinda short with that.

Went back home to unpacked bags. Mom's been sleeping all day long for the past two days. Hibernation bugs have been catching up onto her. Now she knows.

Has to finish up some packing and finalizing the tickets and everything now.

Oh and yeah, I did cry like a crybaby during makan-makan earlier this evening, and being an adult, not a baby, it's a rather ugly sight, I have to say. Le sigh.

Merci Beaucoup

Am back in the room. So sad. Half an hour prior to me sitting in from of my laptop writing this, I was out the door, wanting to continue my writing in the park because today is such a beautiful sunny day with no dark clouds looming somewhere in the horizon like an evil dragon just waiting to spring on you with rain and thunder. I decided to stop at a shop to grab some iced coffee and bread in case I get hungry while in the park which is very likely especially when doing activity involving lots of brain cells in the frontal lobe. Anyways.

I was quarter of the way that I realized it was a mistake when my nose started to get runny and my head was on the brink of minor brain freeze. My sweater apparently wasn't thick enough for the weather. I was tricked by the sun. If I stayed outside I would surely got a serious case of headache by the end of the day. What to do. I'm a tropical girl through and through.

Ok I got sidetracked. So I was back in the room going through several blogs before continuing with my work.

A friend wrote something that I couldn't agree more with.

Sometimes, when a friend is going through a rough patch in his/her life, and he/she needs a pair of ears to listen to his/her worries and all, the best thing is just to listen and the worst thing would be to pretend or to try to understand what he/she is feeling. Even if it is out of your best intention to relate to his.her story. Because you can never, never, understand exactly what the friend is going through because you haven't walked 1000 miles in his/her shoes.

Fictional case of point 1 :

Your friend was telling you about how his brother accidentally plunged down 43-storey down a building to his death and your best comeback is, "I know exactly how you feel, it totally felt like the time my cat jumped out of a 5-storey building. So sad. Oh but the cat didn't die though."

Or something like that.

The only reason the person didn't scream in your face is the incredulity of your statement. You don't know how that person feel so don't say something like that. Cat/dog-lovers, don't take offense. It's just that non-cat/dog-lovers can't fully comprehend the relationship a human can have with their pets.

Doesn't mean that you can't be a good friend by not being able to relate to the situation and say all the right things. Sometimes to shut up and listen is all you have to do.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

23 years and I still can't figure out the art of empathy.

The empathy part I have no problem with, given that us Cancerians are emotionally-charged by nature, but it's the how-to of dealing with the empathy that I find quite baffling. Picture yourself putting up a hand in the air if you are with me on this (because it'll look quite stupid to actually put up a hand in front of your laptop in a room with no one else).

A friend comes to you, lamenting on his/her current problems that need to be dealt with and boom, you are instantly put into a position with expectations.

You wanted to be a good friend, you convinced yourself that you are a good friend, and decided to do what every good friend is supposed to do. And just what is that exactly?

You have no freaking clue.

First, there's the challenge of figuring out which category does the current situation of your friend fall into; 1) if he/she already has a decision made up, or 2) he/she genuinely seeks for your opinion or advice before figuring his/her next course of action, or 3) he/she doesn't need your two cents, just an earnest soul to pour his/her heart's contents out to.

For most of the time, most of us will find ourselves stuck in the third scenario. We do not need anyone deciding for us, we are adults who know what we want. Or do we?

Even so, we still want to decide for ourselves. After all, who knows us better than ourselves?

Until we have actually walked in other's shoes, we might never truly understand what that other person is going through; which renders us quite inadequate in giving a sound advice. What might be comfortable for some, might be painful for others. What might unbearable for others, might just be what others are striving for.

These collected differences in ideals will inevitably lead you to a dilemma, in which you contemplate whether to tell your friend what you think he/she really needs to hear, or take the easier way out by telling him/her what he/she expects or wants to hear, in an attempt to somehow liberate him/her from the stress that he/she is dealing, if only for a short period of time.

Ultimately it's really up to your friend to decide what's next for him/her.

And while you are wondering if the words that are coming out from your mouth is really for your friend's best interest, one thing you have known for sure is, no matter how things will turn out later, doesn't matter if your friend considers your input in the matter or not, you will be there for him/her, picking up the pieces if things were to go wrong or jumping up and down, joining in the happiness if things turned out for the best.

Because that's what friends do.

Sweet Beginnings Do Arrive

Been doing some catching up with good friends back in Langkawi. It was as if things have never changed much between us. Even though a lot has actually changed; Zaty already has her Master's degree, Paan is working on it while Ellie has already started working. Aku ja yang tertinggal lagi ni, biasalah naik KTM.

With these favourite people of mine, even though we haven't met for the longest time (excluding one of them because the other one is always biiiiiziiiiii and the other is away in Sarawak), I am never afraid of the possibility of awkwardness once we meet again. We have such history that will bind us forever.

Ceh. Me the dramatic drama queen.

Not to sound like I'm exaggerating thing, but really, we do share a lot of priceless moments together. Ones that we would insist on telling our grandchildren over and over although the punch line has lost its novelty after the third time of re-telling it.

Like the one about when we hid under our beds to run away from the 'surau police'. Sometimes we skipped going to surau during Maghrib prayer and looking back it was very silly of us really, but what to do, there are times when we girls just like to take our time to get ready; like taking an extra long shower, comb our hair a little extra thoroughly, stare at our pimples in the mirror a little longer than usual, etc. Whatever. So anyways, that day, the chief of the surau police herself (read : the ustazah) decided to do the rounds. Uh oh. We are in trouble. Retreat to safer ground, now! So we crawled under our beds. The four of us! How stupid is that!

It's amazing to see how quick one's thinking is under dire situation like that. The three of us turned into survival mode and headed under the bed in a swift move, while Zaty being the laid-back cool-as-ice-cucumber managed to grab an apple before going into hiding. So while we were under our beds, which had accumulated enough dust to fill a large KFC bucket, trying to be as quiet as possible to avoid detection, she kept herself busy munching on the apple, to the annoyance of the rest of us, which has to hold our sneezes.

And then there was the time when we sneaked out early from prep class to secure our supper of nasi lemak that always sold out within 5 minutes after prep. On our way to the hostel, we heard a honk and naturally we all thought it was the warden which triggered us into running as fast as we could towards the nearest hostel entry. Zaty tripped over something and fell flat head-first (lawak gila bila ingat balik hahaha) onto the ground; but the fact that her hands never let go of the two bungkus of nasi lemak from her hands tells us something about her sheer determination and dedication. Turned out, it was not the warden, it was the retards from the DS (Dewan Selera).

The numerous rooftop sessions, where we would climb and lie on the roof during night time and talk about anything and everything while gazing up at the Langkawi sky. I tell you, it's an amazing sight; it would even be fair to say that it's the prettiest sky I've ever seen in my whole life. There's no severe light pollution so thousands and thousands and thousand of stars, in form of glittery tiny dots in all sizes, were starkly visible over the pitch dark night sky. Shooting stars are a normal sight there. Oh and how can I forget, the time when we got extra daring all of the sudden, and sneaked out into the football field in the middle of the night, not minding any ghost stories whatsoever, just so we could lie flat in the middle of the vast green field, to stare straight up at the night sky. We were lucky to never have been caught by the warden. And because the night creatures minded their own business that night and left us alone.

Sometimes we spent our whole weekly outing at Taman Lagenda, which has such a beautiful landscape, that it was so peaceful to be there. To anyone who hasn't been there, it's basically a park, in which the scenes of all the legends surrounding Langkawi were re-enacted in life-sized statues. Names such as Kuah, Beras Terbakar, Pulau Dayang Bunting, Belanga Pecah, all has a story behind it, however outrageous they may sound.

Our favourite spot is the shack perched on top of a hill, overlooking the Langkawi harbor. The sight, the wind, and the sound of the waves, all three elements when combined together created such an incredible sense of calmness. The hill was meant to tell the story was about a fight between two giants (one is Mat Cincang, the other I can't remember) on their son's and daughter's wedding day, which resulted in the death of both of them. You could see two giant hands sprouted from the hill, the rest of their bodies were underground, perhaps to tell that they fought until their last breath.

During the whole of Form 4, we were living in our own little world, everyone else is second. We weren't in the same class except Zaty and Paan so each night, after prep, we would come back to the room and exchange stories of what happened in each other's classes. That was how I first heard of Mr Boyfriend hehe. I always thought of what a funny an interesting guy he is, but he looks so menacing and garang which intrigues me more. Uuuuh and he's so tall and such thick eyebrows he has, I thought he was pretty handsome LOL.

So over the time, I developed a crush on him, thanks to their stories. Oh and how can I forget, if it wasn't for Paan, stealing his number from a friend's phone, there's a chance we might not even be together now. Me the shy girl ahaha. I kept his number for months before decided to do something about it!

Ellie doing hundres of push-ups without breaking a sweat. Paan having a crush on that certain someone hehe. Paan for being addicted to Nescafe and me never touching that sinful drink and now look at me; three glasses of caffein per day. Us being addicted to maggi goreng ayam bijanwhich is not in sale anymore for God knows what. Ellie having a super crush on Superman*wink wink*. Ellie and me having a crush on the same senior, and by the way he's in Ireland now, rambut panjang dah kurang hot. Calling ourselves M4 after the Korean? Japanese? series F4. Gossiping late into the night. Always having to wait for Zaty to get ready to go out for outing. Hehe. Dealing with needy other person who wants to be included in M4 no way Jose we are tight. Dealing with the fishy appearance of needy other person in impossible circumstances that brought chills to our bones. Having someone told us that the boys saw a creature of some sort hanging outside of our window on their walk back to the hostel from the football field during Maghrib prayer.

Omg. Writing about this makes me miss them more. I should really arrange a catching up soon after I get back; the four of us at the same time.

I know I don't keep in touch as much as I should, but they should know, they mean a whole lot to me. They are my good friends and I don't give the title easily to just anyone, you know. =)

Probably

"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

-Celine in Before Sunset-

Adios Amigos

I remember a conversation I had with a very good friend of mine last semester break. We haven't seen each other in flesh for over two years so there was a lot to catch up on. After a while our conversation shifted to a mutual friend of us, our best friend. It was not a mengumpat-session. Promise. We both just miss her.

She is getting engaged. And we only knew about it like the rest of the world. No excited shrilly scream over the phone about the proposal.

Strange, a year prior to this day, we are the kind of friends that share each littlest details of each other's lives. The continent between us never seem like a big deal. But somehow along the way, without us realizing it, we simply just drifted away. We were so immersed with our own lives that we forgot to make the time for each other like we used to.

Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe it was just me, being the self-absorbed one all this while. Maybe it was something I said or did. Maybe it was something I didn't say or do. I couldn't say for sure.

Whatever it is, she just refused to see us anymore. We tried. Maybe it was a tad too late for any maintenace to salvage what we once shared.

She's going to start a new life soon and the friendship that we share is going to take the backseat, that's for sure. Perhaps it has been for a while now.

You might think that nah...that's just one friend, no need to make such a big fuss over it. Every year you get to meet a lot of different people.

But as you are getting old, you'll realize that in life, out of hundreds or thousands of friends you make, there's only a handful of them that you truly connect with. Those are the ones that really matter.