Technophobic

It is really annoying whenever I find myself in a situation in which I have to talk about things that I'm least informed on.

Like the latest gadgets in the market. It's not that I don't care, it's just that....

Well, fine, honestly, I just don't care.

Case of point number one :

I've been using a MacBook Pro for the last couple of months and naturally I have friends asking me about its specs. Technical specs, rather than the aesthetic ones. You know what, I'm the last person anyone should ask that question to. If you are not already sold on the product, you won't find yourself wanting to buy one after hearing me talk about it. No chance that Apple will appoint me as their spokesperson in this entire lifetime, even though they are going broke, and I'm the only person who's willing to work for them for free. Yeah, I stink that bad.

With my old laptop, all that I ever needed it for was to browse through Facebook pages, stream movies and songs, the occasional downloads, simple photo editing, Skype-ing, among other basic computing tasks.

When my 3-year-old Compaq was getting too problematic and too slo-o-o-w for my patience, for the well-being of my mental health, I decided to replace it. The price margin between a MacBook and other good laptops out there is not tremendously huge, so I thought why not go for it.

Things haven't changed with this new laptop. I still need it for those same basic tasks. I haven't developed a love for gaming or film editing so far.

So that's the story of how I ended up with a MacBook Pro without actually being a pro in computing and stuff. But after using it for quite some time now, I'm amazed by the effort those creative team at Apple has apparently put into the production of this machine, seeing how every littlest detail has not gone unnoticed. Getting used to this laptop takes a full day or two, but later, you'll be amazed at how easier easy things could get.

Feel like buying a MacBook Pro now? See?

Case of point number two :

Team Blackberry vs. Team iPhone vs. Androids?

Who cares?

I know, I don't. Not until the time comes when I actually have to decide between the three anyway.

See. That's what I hate. I hate that I sound like a total bimbo when I talk about gadgets.

And that label is quite bothersome because 1) I know I'm not actually stupid and 2) I know I'm not cute enough to appear adorable talking like a bimbo.

Period.

So yeah. I will try to be more informed about the whole gadget-craze in the future.

Le Véritable Amour?

What's the whole big deal about first love anyway?

Here's my two cents; if you want to end the relationship with your first true big love, then end it in a clean break. Get closure. Fall truly out of love. Hate that asshole with all your heart. No no. Don't hate him or her. Just disconnect yourself from any kind of feelings to that person. Sometimes your heart gets confused between love and hate. Yeah, love is blinding like that.

And then later, when you find someone that you think you could really like, take your time and fall really hard into that other person. Love like you have never been broken before and pray that you've hit jackpot and that person is the one you'll be spending the rest of your life is.

If later you find out that what's at the end of the rainbow is not pots of gold (gold here could be literally translated, or it could also mean a happy end to some, depending on your preference), then repeat the cycle again. Until you find what you are looking for.

Like it or not, first love has some kind of power and charm, especially if it doesn't get its full closure, which makes it very hard for the successor to compete with. And what an unfair competition it is. Because what the current lover is up against is not the real person holding the sacred first love title (who might be a loser for all we know), but our imaginative projection on the whole subject, which includes things that might or might not have happened the way we remember it. *read : 500 Days of Summer*

Who can compete with that? I mean, who wants to compete with that?

Unrequited first love is all about ideas and hopes and impossible expectations. Who knows, if you have stayed with that person long enough to get married, you'll find out that that person is prone to farting excessively in bed every morning, leaving a repulsive stink on the bedsheet til the next day. How's that for a romantic projection? Shattered to pieces yet? What do you expect anyway, that your true love will never fart/produce a vanilla-scented fart?

And who knows, if you have stayed with your first love long enough, 10 years down the road, you'll find out that he's a cheating asshole that leaves you for a younger, prettier woman, not before drying your account up until you have to declare bankruptcy?

Of course, there's every possibility that your true first love is everything that you imagine him/her to be (vanilla-scented fart included), but there must be a reason why you did not end up with him/her in the first place. Percaya pada takdir. There must be a reason why God decided that circumstance for you in the first place.

But what if, 20-30 years down the road, when you've long realized the person you ended up with turned out not to be the one for you and by some twist of fate (macam dalam cerita 'Sepi', in which cheating is not involved), you once again meet your first love? Should the both of you give love another try? An affair is complicated enough as it is, even without any physical intimacy (read : sex) involved. What are the odds that you should meet at two different points of each other's life? Does it mean that it is meant to be?

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I have no clue. What, you think I write this with all the answers ready? I'm just making it up as I write.

Maybe it's takdir. I don't know. But what if your current spouse found their first true love in you, while your heart was always meant for someone else? That's very unfortunate. I think everyone deserves to spend their life with 'the one'. And no, I don't think the whole idea of 'the one' is overrated at all.

Who am I kidding? What do I know about unrequited first love anyway, I've hit jackpot the first time around....I think. So far. Boyfriend, you better be good, I don't want to have to deal with this kind of baggage later in life.

But I couldn't agree more. Unrequited first love is such a shitty mess to be dealt with. Especially if there's families involved, those unknowing innocent parties that could be hurt with your decision.

Shedding tears for affairs,

I'm a funny little thing,

Well I can tell you this for nothing,

Affairs don't win.*

*The song that inspires the post.

p.s : LOVE the lead singer's hair. Very retro. Though if I decide to go for it, there's a risk I might end up looking like a pre-pubescent boy. -.-''

But 30 Euros for a haircut? Nahhh... Kalau kat Aloq Setaq, tak payah pi hair salon yang fancy2 pon, pi kedai amoi Siam kat Simpang Kola tu, 12 ringgit ja, sekali dengan blow + styling. Cakap ja nak hairstyle macam mana, semua dia gheti. Oh home sweet home.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

23 years and I still can't figure out the art of empathy.

The empathy part I have no problem with, given that us Cancerians are emotionally-charged by nature, but it's the how-to of dealing with the empathy that I find quite baffling. Picture yourself putting up a hand in the air if you are with me on this (because it'll look quite stupid to actually put up a hand in front of your laptop in a room with no one else).

A friend comes to you, lamenting on his/her current problems that need to be dealt with and boom, you are instantly put into a position with expectations.

You wanted to be a good friend, you convinced yourself that you are a good friend, and decided to do what every good friend is supposed to do. And just what is that exactly?

You have no freaking clue.

First, there's the challenge of figuring out which category does the current situation of your friend fall into; 1) if he/she already has a decision made up, or 2) he/she genuinely seeks for your opinion or advice before figuring his/her next course of action, or 3) he/she doesn't need your two cents, just an earnest soul to pour his/her heart's contents out to.

For most of the time, most of us will find ourselves stuck in the third scenario. We do not need anyone deciding for us, we are adults who know what we want. Or do we?

Even so, we still want to decide for ourselves. After all, who knows us better than ourselves?

Until we have actually walked in other's shoes, we might never truly understand what that other person is going through; which renders us quite inadequate in giving a sound advice. What might be comfortable for some, might be painful for others. What might unbearable for others, might just be what others are striving for.

These collected differences in ideals will inevitably lead you to a dilemma, in which you contemplate whether to tell your friend what you think he/she really needs to hear, or take the easier way out by telling him/her what he/she expects or wants to hear, in an attempt to somehow liberate him/her from the stress that he/she is dealing, if only for a short period of time.

Ultimately it's really up to your friend to decide what's next for him/her.

And while you are wondering if the words that are coming out from your mouth is really for your friend's best interest, one thing you have known for sure is, no matter how things will turn out later, doesn't matter if your friend considers your input in the matter or not, you will be there for him/her, picking up the pieces if things were to go wrong or jumping up and down, joining in the happiness if things turned out for the best.

Because that's what friends do.

Are You A Memory or A Dream? I Seem To Conjure You From Both

Remembering things you wished you hadn't said or done in your past.

Cringing at the thought.

Cursing at the nothingness in your room.

Wishing you could erase or rewrite that entire chapter.

Realizing that it is not possible, not until that service in Eternal Sunshine is really available in real life.

Understanding that there's nothing else you can do about it except accepting that it happened and moving on, hoping it won't bite you in the ass again somewhere in the future.

Telling yourself that the experience had made you a better person in an attempt to soothe yourself somehow even if you are not sure of the entirety of truth behind it.

Repeating the whole cycle all over again once in a while.

Schon wieder?

Sweet Beginnings Do Arrive

Been doing some catching up with good friends back in Langkawi. It was as if things have never changed much between us. Even though a lot has actually changed; Zaty already has her Master's degree, Paan is working on it while Ellie has already started working. Aku ja yang tertinggal lagi ni, biasalah naik KTM.

With these favourite people of mine, even though we haven't met for the longest time (excluding one of them because the other one is always biiiiiziiiiii and the other is away in Sarawak), I am never afraid of the possibility of awkwardness once we meet again. We have such history that will bind us forever.

Ceh. Me the dramatic drama queen.

Not to sound like I'm exaggerating thing, but really, we do share a lot of priceless moments together. Ones that we would insist on telling our grandchildren over and over although the punch line has lost its novelty after the third time of re-telling it.

Like the one about when we hid under our beds to run away from the 'surau police'. Sometimes we skipped going to surau during Maghrib prayer and looking back it was very silly of us really, but what to do, there are times when we girls just like to take our time to get ready; like taking an extra long shower, comb our hair a little extra thoroughly, stare at our pimples in the mirror a little longer than usual, etc. Whatever. So anyways, that day, the chief of the surau police herself (read : the ustazah) decided to do the rounds. Uh oh. We are in trouble. Retreat to safer ground, now! So we crawled under our beds. The four of us! How stupid is that!

It's amazing to see how quick one's thinking is under dire situation like that. The three of us turned into survival mode and headed under the bed in a swift move, while Zaty being the laid-back cool-as-ice-cucumber managed to grab an apple before going into hiding. So while we were under our beds, which had accumulated enough dust to fill a large KFC bucket, trying to be as quiet as possible to avoid detection, she kept herself busy munching on the apple, to the annoyance of the rest of us, which has to hold our sneezes.

And then there was the time when we sneaked out early from prep class to secure our supper of nasi lemak that always sold out within 5 minutes after prep. On our way to the hostel, we heard a honk and naturally we all thought it was the warden which triggered us into running as fast as we could towards the nearest hostel entry. Zaty tripped over something and fell flat head-first (lawak gila bila ingat balik hahaha) onto the ground; but the fact that her hands never let go of the two bungkus of nasi lemak from her hands tells us something about her sheer determination and dedication. Turned out, it was not the warden, it was the retards from the DS (Dewan Selera).

The numerous rooftop sessions, where we would climb and lie on the roof during night time and talk about anything and everything while gazing up at the Langkawi sky. I tell you, it's an amazing sight; it would even be fair to say that it's the prettiest sky I've ever seen in my whole life. There's no severe light pollution so thousands and thousands and thousand of stars, in form of glittery tiny dots in all sizes, were starkly visible over the pitch dark night sky. Shooting stars are a normal sight there. Oh and how can I forget, the time when we got extra daring all of the sudden, and sneaked out into the football field in the middle of the night, not minding any ghost stories whatsoever, just so we could lie flat in the middle of the vast green field, to stare straight up at the night sky. We were lucky to never have been caught by the warden. And because the night creatures minded their own business that night and left us alone.

Sometimes we spent our whole weekly outing at Taman Lagenda, which has such a beautiful landscape, that it was so peaceful to be there. To anyone who hasn't been there, it's basically a park, in which the scenes of all the legends surrounding Langkawi were re-enacted in life-sized statues. Names such as Kuah, Beras Terbakar, Pulau Dayang Bunting, Belanga Pecah, all has a story behind it, however outrageous they may sound.

Our favourite spot is the shack perched on top of a hill, overlooking the Langkawi harbor. The sight, the wind, and the sound of the waves, all three elements when combined together created such an incredible sense of calmness. The hill was meant to tell the story was about a fight between two giants (one is Mat Cincang, the other I can't remember) on their son's and daughter's wedding day, which resulted in the death of both of them. You could see two giant hands sprouted from the hill, the rest of their bodies were underground, perhaps to tell that they fought until their last breath.

During the whole of Form 4, we were living in our own little world, everyone else is second. We weren't in the same class except Zaty and Paan so each night, after prep, we would come back to the room and exchange stories of what happened in each other's classes. That was how I first heard of Mr Boyfriend hehe. I always thought of what a funny an interesting guy he is, but he looks so menacing and garang which intrigues me more. Uuuuh and he's so tall and such thick eyebrows he has, I thought he was pretty handsome LOL.

So over the time, I developed a crush on him, thanks to their stories. Oh and how can I forget, if it wasn't for Paan, stealing his number from a friend's phone, there's a chance we might not even be together now. Me the shy girl ahaha. I kept his number for months before decided to do something about it!

Ellie doing hundres of push-ups without breaking a sweat. Paan having a crush on that certain someone hehe. Paan for being addicted to Nescafe and me never touching that sinful drink and now look at me; three glasses of caffein per day. Us being addicted to maggi goreng ayam bijanwhich is not in sale anymore for God knows what. Ellie having a super crush on Superman*wink wink*. Ellie and me having a crush on the same senior, and by the way he's in Ireland now, rambut panjang dah kurang hot. Calling ourselves M4 after the Korean? Japanese? series F4. Gossiping late into the night. Always having to wait for Zaty to get ready to go out for outing. Hehe. Dealing with needy other person who wants to be included in M4 no way Jose we are tight. Dealing with the fishy appearance of needy other person in impossible circumstances that brought chills to our bones. Having someone told us that the boys saw a creature of some sort hanging outside of our window on their walk back to the hostel from the football field during Maghrib prayer.

Omg. Writing about this makes me miss them more. I should really arrange a catching up soon after I get back; the four of us at the same time.

I know I don't keep in touch as much as I should, but they should know, they mean a whole lot to me. They are my good friends and I don't give the title easily to just anyone, you know. =)

Monday Morning

Think I've found a new feel-good-song to sing loudly on any given bad or not-so-awesome day. Doesn't mean that I'm replacing my all-time-favourite All-Star by Smashmouth which has been there for me for years and years already I think I've developed a relationship with the song already, as far as a relationship with a song could go. But the competition that this new song poses is quite big that I'm having a hard time not to put this no. 1 on my list of favourites.

Now every single crack, every penny that I pass,
says I should either leave or pick it up
But with every single buck I've made
I'm saddled with bad luck that came

Oh be calm. Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I've been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you're still alive
and everything's wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

*****

Having friends over for the past few days helped in lessening the withdrawal syndrome from the boyfriend. Now that he's started working, I feel like I'm being selfish if I still want to tell him every single pathetic detail of my daily musings and worries. Oh well. Perhaps I can start ranting here. If you think what I've ranted so far is emotional, then you might have a little clue on what he must have gone through.

*****

You don't guilt someone into doing something. That's just not how we roll around here, dude.

*****

I hate having nothing to do. I hate being bored. I just hate it; it drives me crazy. Thus all the constant distractions; the sewing, the TV series, the blogs, the clothes, the sudokus/kakuros, the books, the magazines, the craft projects, etc. Lately I hate waking up so early with not much to do except studying. To start on my sewing project with exams close approaching seem absurd and a little too ambitious. Maybe God heard my prayer and granted me important things to do early on Monday morning. It's a blessing in disguise really; in form of losing my purse.

Time to visit the police station to report for stolen/missing things for the second time in Doshland. Yay!

*****

PETA Hates Me For Eating Shark.

I bet if I didn't tell you that it's shark meat on the plate, you wouldn't have guessed it otherwise huh?

We decided to try eating shark the other day at a local Chinese buffet restaurant, just so that what we paid was well worth it. It was fried with capsicum (or chilli?) and a little bit of pepper and soy sauce.

It tastes exactly just like how it looks like. Like fried fish.

I'm so bad at describing food.

But really. It tastes just like any other saltwater fish. Not worth it. So save shark and eat grouper instead.

I promise, this is just a one-time thing.

So Long, Partner

"He loved her, he loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone."

— Truman Capote, Summer Crossing (via LAFINPARFAITE)

Praying for your safety, your well-being, and your success.

Apart from missing you a whole lot, I'm going to be fine, don't worry.

2011 is going to be a good year; because that's the year I started with the end in mind.

Redemption Island

First episode of the Redemption Island is out.

The Evil Annoying Elf vs. The Cooler-Than-Ice Smooth Operator.

Rob might not win. But the heads-on battle of two very egotistical alpha males would definitely be entertaining to watch.

Bring it on!

Dreamers, Dreamers, Close Your Eyes And Make A Wish

A lot of times I would try to avoid taking the trams at noon; because that's when the school bell rings and the kids would swarm everywhere, making lots of noise and unnecessary movement. Blame it on their growth hormone. Thank God it's not a tropical climate here, or they'll stink, to make matters more unbearable as it already is.

Coming back from Fachhochschule one day, I've forgotten the fact that it was approaching noon so when I got to the tram station, kids were already buzzing everywhere, excited to be rid of school for the rest of the day.

Fortunately, I managed to secure a seat, as seats were scarce during these hours. I was sitting with another three elementary school kids, a girl with another two boys. I can't help but listen to their conversation. They were discussing the teacher, the exam, their friends, the usual things kids their age are busy with.

And then the talk on their usual everyday stuff shifted to discussing each other's ambition. The girl proudly announced, her blue eyes sparkled, her curly blonde hair framed her round face almost perfectly, "Well, I want to be a singer when I grow up. Or a fashion designer. Because fashion interests me so much. "

A smile broke across my face. Ah, the charm of the innocence of young kids. Their dare to dream and to believe with such admirable bravado, which we as adults are losing along the way. Unfortunately.

In the school of life, sometimes, we tend to pick up all the wrong lessons. One of the most damaging one I think, is that we learn to settle. We gave up on our dreams and ideals and settle for less than we are actually worth of.

And for what price?

Is it worth it?