I Gots Updates

Jera Jahit updated.

Memory Lane?

Ok. Long story short. Actually it's more of a 'not wanting to have to tell the whole pathetic story.'

But what the hell. I forgot the password AND the username of my new blog, the one dedicated to my sewing project and stuff. I thought the URL is pretty catchy and I so badly want to keep it.

Tried to retrieve it, blogger sent me all the blogs that I have ever created under the e-mail address I'm using now. Apparently I've had this e-mail since I was 17. God. That's why I'm one of the few still using hotmail. Heh, back then hotmail was HOT, twas the shiz, I tell you.

The problem is I actually created a new e-mail especially for the new blog. And I've completely forgotten it. Just like that. What am I a goldfish or something? Erghhh.

They say every wrong turn is a lesson learnt. So what did I learn? I've learnt that I've had 3 different blogs under the e-mail address, and for each one I've only ever posted one post. Maybe I forgot the password too, just like this recent case.

One blog was written when I was 17.

Another when I was 19.

To read it now feels surreal. Like an out-of-body experience. I mean, did I really use to be that girl? But I guess when you were 17 you are kinda allowed to feel as if every little problem seems like the universe is conspiring against you. Lawak gila weh sumpah gelak pecah perut tadi dengan Tasha teringat zaman kanak-kanak.

Oh and allow me to quote my 19-year-old self :

but this is real world. knock, knock.
most of all, this is my life.
at 19, i'm still not sure of who i wanted to be. well, yeah, i'm doing a preparation to pursue my engineering study in german next year but hmm, i'm still not sure if that is what i wanted to do with my life. can you see how confused i am?

Well guess what. Four frigging years later, it didn't get any better. I still can't say for sure what I wanted to be and heck yeah, I'm still as confused. How's that. Shiznit (pinjam Tash's fave word).

To my 19-year-old self, sorry for not having my (our?) shiz just quite together yet but bear with me. I'm getting there. Soon. Have faith.

Ego

An important number that adds up to your equation of self-worth. It is as fragile as a newborn.

A pain to live with, but can't live without it either.

What's worse is when it gets bruised. And it gets bruised rather easily if you are not careful who you hand it to.

Bruised ego. Boahh. What a baggage to carry.

But it's not like you can unload it, leave it by the sidewalk and walk away. Life wouldn't be any easier without it.

The only option you seem to have is to carry on, and let time heal it. Although it bruises easily, it doesn't heal as easily and that's the problem.

Sometimes even a lifetime is not enough to heal a bruise.

Sometimes just when you think you are totally over it, the memory comes and bites you in the ass, stumbling you in the process.

There's nothing else you can do except dwell in it, as long as it requires you to. There's no cure.

There's only prevention. That can save you a lifetime down the torturous road of self-pity.

Next time, when it comes to a situation in which you thought of compromising your principles, values and your own self, don't. Just don't. If you ever loose yourself, you cease to exist only in the approval of others. At the end of the day, when the others are gone, what would you be left with? Nothing.

No kick, no high, no thrill, no guy, no adventure is ever worth trading yourself with.

Trust me.

*Looking forward to a lazy gloomy Saturday with continuous supply of caffeine.

sans toi

Doing things you enjoy minus the person you enjoy best doing it with results in half the fun.

Though the muscle soreness the day after is pretty much constant.

Essentials Approaching Winter

Being a true tropical girl, I'll be needing these things to fight the gradual withdrawals of sunlight. Yeah yeah I know, I did complain about the heat once in a while during the summer break in Malaysia but hands down, I prefer the heat better than 3-4 months of melancholic weather. It's not even over-the-top to say that I'll be suffering to some extent mild winter depression comes the season...

1. Caffeine with cinnamon + honey instead of sugar. - Lovin' em Krueger. Checked.

2. Extra lighting to give the impression of longer daylight. - Ikea's lamp stand with 100W energy-saver bulbs. Checked.

3. Sweat-breaking activities to promote endorphin release. And good companies to share those good laughs. - Climbing. Step dancing. Probably joining a dancing class soon. Checked.

4. Lots of good music, suitable to the weather. - Abby Dobson, Eisley, The Cranberries, the good ol' 90s alternative rock.. Checked.

5. A reliable knee-length parka that goes with almost anything - Boring, yes, but this winter, by hook or by crook, I'm going to stay comfortable. Won't let the winter chills trigger another shivering episode. Checked.

6. Cute dresses to wear under the parka. - I won't sacrifice dressing up for the unforgiving winter. Doesn't matter if the dresses are not going to be seen anyway under the parka, but hey, the most important thing is I know I'm dresses good so I'll feel good. Half-checked. Looking forward to a shopping spree at asos.de hihihi.

7. Benetint to fight of the pale and dull complexion. Pending. Mahalnya 32 euro.. =(

8. Good attitude. Smile, smile and smile more to trick my brain into thinking I'm enjoying the lack of sunlight. Ughh I'm a terrible liar.

9. Rewarding hobbies to occupy myself with. Checked.

10. Finishing of the papers so that I don't have to embrace another winter holed up in the room, studying! Must-have.

Substance Abuse

Coca Cola used to have cocaine and caffeine in it. Back when the negative side effect of cocaine still wasn't discovered, which means it was still not considered an illegal substance, Coca Cola contained traces of them. They still use coca leaves (from which cocaine is derived) but not enough to get you soaring high except the sugar.

Although fully legal and widely consumed, caffeine is considered as a psychoactive drug. But still, caffeine addiction has never been thrown into a group of serious substance abuse along with nicotine and alcohol.

I know this is not really healthy, relying on a caffeine fix to wake me up after a straight peaceful 8 hours of sleep, but what a girl to do? The attention and energy boost that it provides after every cup is just too good to deny myself of. Tambahan pulak sekarang sejuk, tapi bila minum secawan, mula rasa panas badan. Barula boleh bukak tingkap dan anginkan bilik!

At least, now I only need 3-4 cups a day compared to my DHI days...

I will stop being dependent on caffeine once boyfriend stops smoking. Muahaha.

Sigmund Freud :

"Just as no one can be forced into belief,
so no one can be forced into unbelief."

Sure I know it´s from the mouth of the Sigmund Freud.

But to some extent, our subconscious is, as a matter of fact, persuadable; it´s more fickle than we allow ourselves to believe.

I hate to think of it as one of the fads, that it is considered 'in' to hold such opinion nowadays but it seems as if that the same record is put on repeat, albeit coming from different souls. I know it is only fair that I give them more credit; such decision doesn't happen in a haste. It's not like, oh we've had chicken for lunch for the past months, let's switch to fish for a change. One must have gone through a deep, serious and intricate deliberation to take such a drastic turn.

But I´ve no complaints though. It seems that the more that I listen to their records, the more it reasserts what I´ve known to be true all along.

Just So You Know

Whatever happened, happened.

Wherever this road may lead, truly deep down inside me, I just want you to be happy. That, you haven't been in quite a long time. My words and actions might not coincide, but I'm rooting for your happiness. It's just that, it takes some time to digest things, you know.

I might be 23 years old, but sometimes I deal with uncomfortable things like a toddler does; run and hide under the bed or behind the door, wishing that the glass that was broken or whatever mess I've accidentally got myself in would soon evaporate into thin air, taking with it all my worries and problems.

Sooner or later, I'm positive that I'll get around to it, don't you worry.

Spoken words fail me all the time. The thousands of words inside of me just refuse to cooperate during times when I need them the most.

If I could just hug you right now, I'm sure you'll know everything I wanted to say without me ever having to say a word.

Days When The Sun Decided Not To Graze Us With Its Heat

Papa laugh with your princess so that she will find

funny princes familiar,

Papa respect your princess so that she will find

respectful princes familiar,

Papa love your princess so that she will find

loving princes familiar,

Papa cry for your princess so that she will find,

gentle princes familiar.

Changes

I like changes. What's wrong with changes anyway. My room would never go a month without going through some adjustments, however minor. Now I know 23 ways of furniture arrangements that wouldn't work in my room with such limited space and overwhelming amount of stuff. And I've learnt that waking up to your own reflection in the mirror, on some mornings when you don't look like the starlets on TV do with their perfectly tousled hair and looking pretty even with their squinted eyes still coated with sleepiness, is not really a good way to set your mood for the whole day.

It might take me some time to try Japanese food and found out that I actually like it. I might be the biggest chicken ever. I might be doomed at birth, stuck with a star (Cancer, if you're wondering) that says I'm supposed to be someone who is scared of changes. But still, I try to be open to changes and new things.

The point is, I think I have quite a healthy attitude towards changes.

But.

When things don't need fixing, why fix it?

And, and even if they do need fixing, can't they wait? I mean, is it fatal if it doesn't get fixed? Can't we all do without it? Really?

Things are just moving too fast. I think there's enough plot in the last 5 years in my life to create a whole drama series that could last longer that any of Yusof Haslam's, the likes of Sembilu, Gerak Khas, Si Capik. And I can guarantee of the originality and suspense. (Just so you know, I'm not a hater, proof : back during Awie-Erra's craze, I used to go see his movies at the cinemas with the whole family all the time..)

Blergh. This reminds me of the talk I have with a girlfriend last night.

I truly know what I want. I feel it pulsating in my heart. But when it comes to putting it into words, I swear I've heard more sensible things from the mouth of my 4-year-old cousin.