And the bigger question is, why did I, knowing perfectly how I usually react to gory bloody stuff, click play on that video?
My head is still spinning, I swear. My stomach's tumbling. My heart's still beating fast. Dah la tadi dah dapat perfect momentum untuk study.
Fegggg. Ggggrrrrrr.
I don't know how I would be able to sleep tonight without that image scaring the hell out of me. This is worse than any horror movies I've ever watched. At least, in movies, I can know for sure that after the director screamed 'CUT!', the bloody (literally) actors will get up and go hang out in their on set 5-star trailer.
But this video, it is real.
The sight of that poor man, his head hanging out the side of his lorry in such an awkward angle it brings chills to your bones thinking about the extent of his injuries. Guts splattered, brain blown out, blood dripping everywhere. Not sure if he even realized his situation but it was apparent to those bystanders that his only chance of survival is if God decided to rise him from the dead. But he was still alive. And talking. He kept on repeating the same phrase over and over, which is, "Bang, tolong saya bang, tolong bang." Fact is, his situation was beyond being saved, even if the ambulance had arrived within 5-minutes after the accident, which is a miracle in itself in Malaysia.
It is heart-wrenching, to see someone still alive in that situation. I wouldn't have wished it for my worst enemy, or even the most horrible person on earth like say, a sadistic pedophile. The pain that he must have gone through during the last few minutes of living.
What was going through his head? His whole life must have flashed right before his eyes. Did he thought about things he wished he hadn't done or things that he kept delaying to do and now there's just no chance anymore? Those unspoken words that he wished he had said?
Or maybe it was just the pain. And fear. And unreadiness.
I think nobody is or ever will be ready for death. Even though someday, we might have gotten around to do everything we should have done in this life, perfected our ibadah as much as we could, on our deathbed, I think, we will always wish we had done more. No?
But it struck a chord in me, hearing how the poor man kept repeating the same sentence, "Bang, tolong saya bang, tolong bang."
He kept saying that over and over, until after awhile...he just stopped. Not moving anymore.
That made me shiver more than the blood and the battered body.
I pray that, when my time comes, all I would think of is my Creator, Allah and returning back to Him.
That's a pretty selfish prayer, I realize. Because now, I sometimes forget. I tend to forget that He is bigger than all of us combined, times thousands. I forget that even with all my strength and willpower that I could possibly muster, it is still up to Him to make things happen.
From now on, I'll try to think about Him more and more everyday. Maybe if I try to make myself closer to Him now, He would be with me at the end.
InshaAllah.
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