Negativity is contagious.

Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.

Last two papers tomorrow; papers that will make it or break it. Praying for the best possible outcome.

Off to the long-awaited trip the very next morning. Haven't printed the tickets and haven't even packed. Seeing as to how loser I am when it comes to packing (I want to bring everything and this is a 10-day-trip!), expect nothing less than a pathetic sight tomorrow night. I will be reduced to a mass of kalotness, a side of me that boyfriend and one of my good friend like to poke fun at.

Need to remember to call several important people that I care so much before I go.

Wanderlust, I'm coming.

Let's Save The Earth

Even with all the technology available now, and the great brains that are at work to solve the impending disaster from the energy crisis the world is dealing with, there's still no ultimate solution to it. We are still miles away from solving a crisis that might change civilization as we know it.

Oil well is drying up, which has led countries going into war, killing thousands of innocent lives. The fact that we are running out of oil is nothing new but we still produce millions and millions of cars every year.

We do have an alternative though; thanks to those genius lot that have discovered renewable energy. Energy source that would always be available in abundance. Isn't it great? Doesn't it sound perfect? Too perfect to even be possible even? Kinda. They are extremely expensive. Crazy expensive. And plus they take up a lot more space to generate the same amount of energy than an oil refinery. Imagine a future with desert and farming land converted into a power plant with rows and rows of wind turbines and photovoltaic panels. Where would we grow our food then? With food crisis already ripping some countries apart now, surely we do not want that problem to add on our already long urgent list?

What about biogas? That's a good effort. But even if we collect every single drop of shit from every single cow on this earth, we won't be able to generate enough energy to power the world. But it will be a good help though. Just not enough to substitute oil.

Wait, what about nuclear power? Their reactor doesn't take up much space, they generate a lot more energy, in a factor of thousands, compared to oil and gas, and they don't cost that much either. Hmm. Let's see. First it's nuclear. The name will always carry a stigma with it wherever it goes. Secondly, there's the issue of disposing the waste. Thirdly, if anything goes wrong, and things do go wrong sometimes, think Murphy's law, the disaster that awaits is horrifying beyond words. Remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki? Remember Chernobyl? Surely you don't want to risk your predecessors for generations to come with unfavorable genetic effects. And let's not forget, nuclear power is generated from uranium, a limited natural resource, just like oil and gas.

Everything comes at a price. Everything comes with a catch.

Apart from the energy and food crisis, as of late, natural disaster of a terrifying magnitude is occurring at an unusually increasing frequency. First Haiti, and then Chile, followed by New Zealand and the latest, Japan. All in the span of a little over a year.

Scientists are discussing the seismic changes, how the human race hasn't seen the worse that the Earth could throw at us.

And yet, we the human is screaming unabashedly about saving the Earth, like we are actually doing the Earth a favor by cutting down energy consumption and reducing global warming.

Throughout the years, we have tremendously changed the landscape of Earth, we dried up Earth's natural resources that took centuries to form in a matter of just several decades, we scraped layers of ozones away, we might even be the reason for the increased temperature of the Earth's atmosphere. We believe that our greed for a great civilization has slowly poisoned the Earth.

We fail to realize that the Earth is God's genius creation that is bigger than you and me, it is more powerful than every man combined, walking on its soil. History has shown that it is capable of adapting to the most extreme changes; it shifts, it squirms, it hibernates until it reaches once again its equilibrium.

To even think that it needs saving from us, that's pretty ambitious, isn't it?

To really dwell into the thought that there's a bigger force out there, it is rather humbling. Helps put things into perspective.

Was a reading a friend's comment on Japan's tragedy here.

Macam mana nak ubah mentaliti rakyat third-world-country kepada mentaliti negara maju? Less crime, less corruption, go-getter attitude, and queueing to board the train for example.

Are people simply born with it, or are they cultivated?

Is it naturally ingrained as the country progresses into a developed country or is it the mentality of the people that drives the country into progress?

Depression Is An Unnecessary Event

Ich finde fast alles letztlich zu stressig. Meine unordentliche Wohnung. Mein Hueftgold, der so gerne auf mich anhaengt, dass der mich nie wieder loslassen wird. Mein ungepflegter Naegel. Meine Lieblingszeitschrift Grazia, die wieder 2 Euro kostet. Sudoku mit mehr als eine Loesung. Was soll das? Die Klausuren. All die Erwartungen an meine Zukunft. Mein noch nicht gepackter Koffer, mit dem ich direkt nach der Klausuren reisen werde.

Die Angst, dass ich alles nicht zusammenkriege.

Ok. Jetzt kehr wieder zu der normalen ertraeglichen Ich zurueck.

*****

And now, the Google translator version:

I find almost everything ultimately too stressful. My messy apartment. My hueftgoldthat attaches so much to me that I will never forget. My unkempt nails. My favoritemagazine Grazia, which costs another 2 €. Sudoku with more than one solution.What is this? The exams. All the expectations for my future. My suitcase is notpacked with which I will directly go to the exams.

The fear that everything I do not get along.

Ok. Now, returning back to normal I decreasing returns.

The hell? OK that was pretty funny.

I've realized that since I've gotten here, I hardly ever wrote anything in Deutsch anymore which doesn't involve anything to do with school.

Writing used to be my favourite homework back in GMI.

Oh well. Time changes.

Nothing is finite in this temporary universe we live in.

The pressure of exams this time around, has turned me into this cranky, moody, emotionally needy person that even annoys me at times.

For putting up with that, ever so patiently, even though you are super busy now, this one goes for you.

When are we going to get to dance on our kitchen tiles?

Bad Evil Piggy

Starting from next week, boyfriend will continue his training at a new place; he is placed in an estate in Bahau. Compared to his training before, in which all the trainees were placed in the same training centre, this time, they were all separated into a group of two for each estate.

It does sound scary to me. Sometimes when he has to do rounds around the estate, he might ride his moto instead of his car, due to the better accessibility that a two-wheeler can provide.

Seeing as to how isolated an estate normally is, I asked him if he was scared. You know, ghosts and stuff.

Yeah right. Like a guy would admit he is, even he is scared shitless in his pants.

He said, of all the things that he might be scared of, ghosts would be the least of his worries.

So I asked, "If not ghosts, then, what else?"

"Feral pigs."

"Pigs?"

"Bukan babi biasa tu. Alpha male wild boars so naturally, they are very protective of their territory. You know how big one of those feral pig is? Just a little smaller than a fully-grown cow."

"Really? Oh ok." I wasn't really buying it. I mean, that big? Nahh.

"Apart from feral pigs, let's see, there are snakes, tigers, so yeah, ghosts would be the least of my worries. They can't touch you, they just sort of appear, and look scary."

Remembering the conversation we had, today I googled a bit about the feral pigs to learn more about it (it was an excuse for a 15-minute break from studying actually) and this is what I found out :

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Above : The pictures might all be hoaxes. I still want to put them here anyway.

The one above, the so-called 'hogzilla', has been featured in National Geographic so its authenticity is more reliable. Read more here.

Holy shit, they are monsters!

I also found this article, about the deaths of motorcyclists in Malaysia after unfortunate encounters with these pigs.

Though I bet the ones in Malaysia are not as huge as in the pictures. I hope (for my boyfriend and his friends' sake) they are not.

Sun, Take Me Out To Play

1. My body's still out of gas after 6 hours of walking non-stop around Aachen and 4 hours of being in the train. The left part of my brain is beating a kind of music resembling a native African song. Even though it's Saturday, can't afford to laze around until my body gain its momentum since exam's in two days and I've failed this paper once. Don't want to have it go to the third attempt; the stake will be huge and the pressure will quadruple. Have to ace this one.

2. I know this is shallow but I've felt guilty (a little bit) about my spending habit here after learning what's going on in some part of the world and how little money they need to just get by since 'getting by' in their dictionary means 'luxury'. So the goal now is to get rich.

3. Seeing footage of the Japan's recent tsunami is horrifying. Amidst the ongoing crisis in Middle Eastern, the world is hit by a natural catastrophe of such magnitude (New Zealand, and now Japan). What's really becoming of the world? And what have I done so far to help? Nothing. Just praying while otherss are out there to actually help the people in those crisis? Hmm I wonder why the atheists like to poke fun at our belief....

4. On the phone with mom just now. She wanted to know the title of this one song that she really likes and has been playing over and over in her head but she didn't know the singer and can't even sing it back to me. ZzzzZzzz. How am I to figure out which song is that? The only clue she gave me was that the singer is a male, probably black, and young. Jeez, thanks mom for the very specific clue. But then she said, "Oooh I remember the song has a lyrics that goes a little bit like : I love you blabla but you won't do the same?" Haaa that was a bit more helpful hahaha. I started singing the song to her and she was so happy that that was the correct one. When I explain the lyrics of the song (Bruno Mars, Catch A Grenade, if you haven't figured it out already) which was pretty violent and graphic, she was like, "Aehh..tak dak la ganaz sangat." -.-''

5. My room is a total wreck. It's a good thing that my study table is stationed right in front of the window so that all the mess behind me can have a party as wild as they want and it won't bother me that much. Except when I have to walk to the door to go to the kitchen or to the bathroom. -.-''

6. Negativity is contagious. You are the words you chose. Maybe I've read too many financial planning book that I've turned into this motivational addict? Oh no. But really. Words that you choose to come out of your mouth is as important as the thing you put into your mouth. OUr brain is easily influenced by them.

Have a nice weekend y'all!

Train of Thought Continued

Continued from the previous post :

The lack of freedom of speech in our country is at times so well-ingrained within us that most of the population has almost accepted it as it is. Though it won't stay that way for too long, that I'm pretty sure of, seeing as to how the younger generation comprising of intelligent and outspoken lot has been fighting increasingly harder for it. Kudos.

This reminds me of an occasion I've encountered back in high school. A couple of friends and I decided to start our own monthly school magazine, reporting on the eventful happenings around us. It was purely for fun, you know, I even contemplated having a gossip column in it, so the magazine wasn't created out of respect for journalism really.

At that time, I remember that everyone was talking about, or rather, complaining about the conduct of LDPs (prefects) in our school. With the endless spot check after spot check, sometimes for the silliest things, like if we girls were wearing our kain dalam or not. Ridiculous, right? That's what I thought. What do you care what's going on beneath our clothes? If I do not want to wear a slip underneath my skirt, that's because the fabric that my uniform's made of is already thick enough as it is, leaving me sweating like a pig most of the time, in Langkawi's unforgiving heat. You were telling me, I can't even decide that for myself? Oh, please. Bite me.

And for those, who did not want to wear a camisole, choosing to show off their bras, well that's their call, I'd say. The horny boys were going to get horny anyways even without the visual help.

There's also the regular spot checks on handphones, cassette/CD-players, cassettes and CDs... But the suspicious thing is that, the LDPs themselves have never really been caught, even though some of them didn't wear camisole, anak tudung, kain dalam whatsoever. Leaving us mortal human being having to stand directly under the sun as a punishment for being caught. Of course, that created sort of a tension between us regular people and the LDPs.

So a friend of mine wrote an article poking fun at the lack of transparency of the LDPs. It was written in a good-natured kind of way; no cursed words were used, it wasn't overtly disrespectful, it was actually funny. I really think it would make an interesting read for the students, as a lot of people can relate to the content of the article. The only problem with the article was, it was reporting the truth.

The teacher, who was our advisor, pulled me aside and told us not to run that article. End of story. Looking back, I should have stood by the article and we should have all fought for it. Whatever that might happen if we decided to fight, I think I would have been more proud of myself.

The Shiz

Watched an intriguing documentary reporting on the mass media's disinformation.

One of the media's dirty trick is to plant horrific images into our heads, to scare us into accepting a lie. The image of the crumbling Twin Tower was linked to Saddam Hussein despite there being no direct relation whatsoever did the trick. Facts don't matter. Perceptions are king.

During the 20s, one of the first successful documented propaganda was to get women to smoke. Prior to that, smoking was deemed unbecoming for women, and should they choose to smoke, it would be best done behind closed doors. The media got a group of women, who epitomizes the zeitgeist of the emancipated women of that time, modern and strong, to parade down the main street while smoking. Proudly. And it worked. Later after that, smoking became the symbol of liberated women. Pretty clever scheme huh?

While watching the report, I was thinking, "How stupid can we all be?"

To not be able to separate the truths from the lies. To not be able to question.

Don't we have a mind of our own anymore?

Maybe our generation, growing up spoiled with the latest technology, has gotten lazy over time. The time we had managed to save thanks to all these technology, we don't know what to do with it. Except to provide us more time to laze around more. We have became such lazy bums. Searching for the highs of pure entertainment after entertainment to pass the time.

We have gotten lazy to do the thinking for ourselves. We let other people do it for us. It can be the media, the peers, the parents, the sibling we look up to, the boyfriend, etc. Most people might disagree with what I'm going to say but I'm going to say it anyway; we like having people telling us what to do. We really do. We are lost without. We can't decide what's good for ourselves, for our mind, for our life. Which is not half as bad. Easier for us, easier for them to control us.

Feel like ranting.

It would be a good idea to get this whole pent up things out of my system by putting them into words.

But then again, emotions are running quite high, maybe I should let the thinking process sinks in for a couple more days.

So it has to wait.

Oh.

How I can't wait for the exams to be over. Finally going to Spain!

Addiction

Just like any other day for the last two weeks, I woke up pretty early, a heavenly warm caffein all set on the table, just waiting for the sun to drop a bucket got a bucket got a bucket full of sunshine on me, ready to start a day of, at times excruciating, cramming of facts and infos into my head.

As usual, the regime will start of with a couple of sudokus or kakuros or addokus, whatever that suits my fancy that day, to sort of jumpstart the part of my brain that will be needed for the ret of the day.

Today I feel like doing kakuros.

Turns out, I ran out of kakuros. I've used up the last ones yesterday, to calm my nerves before going to take my exams. And even that was actually junks, ones that I threw away unfinished because I've made mistakes on them. Yes, desperation made me collect them from my room's trash bin. Thank God all I ever threw inside the bin was paper.

Today, I was ready to print out brand new of sudokus from krazydad.com but. Lo and behold, I've forgotten that I've ran out of ink on my printer.

The warm caffein on the table was getting colder and I was scrambling to get my daily sudoku fix. I tried adjusting the color quality option on the printer, so that it'll come out more bluish or reddish yellowish, I don't care, as long as I can make out the boxes and numbers but to no avail.

To copy them out on a piece of paper would be too much of a work. And stupid since it'll take twice, even three times as longer to copy them than to actually finish them.

But I did it anyway.

The state I was in, man I was restless. It's like, I have to have those kakuros. No matter what it takes. I was like a monster.

Halfway through copying the first puzzle, I remember that I might have some leftover kakuros in a book I've stacked away among my old magazines. That's another thing I'm addicted to; glossy magazines. So you can imagine how many stacks we are talking about here. Enough to crash the skull of an adult human being if thrown at once from a three-storey buildings.

I went through the stacks, and walla! found three books with some leftovers in it. Sure I have to use a liquid paper on them to make them new but well, better than having to copy them down.

It's official. I'm addicted.

Thank God it's just to silly puzzles.

Murphy's Law

It started to occur that something's up with me when my body started to prefer a plain warm water over a thick warm cappuccino. That's weird.

And then when I went to sleep early last night, I didn't hear the alarm and woke up after 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. That's also weird, because even without an alarm clock, if I'm not overtly exhausted, my natural body clock would wake me up after about 8 hours of sleep.

Of all the days that my body can choose to have a rising body temperature while oozing all the gooey gunk out of my nose, it picked today.

And I have an exam in 7 hours.

Murphy's law at play? Let's hope the law stops at gunk and leave my exam alone.

Best Job In The World?

While reading a book on financial planning, in order to determine the real value one puts on money, the author asked his readers to ponder on several questions, which are :

What is it that I am really good at?

What do others regularly tell me I am good at?

What do I enjoy so much that I would do it for free if I had $20 million?

What would I stop doing tomorrow if I had $20 million?

What would I do differently with my life if I only had just three years to live?

The first two questions, well I still can't find a good answer to it. I don't have an exceptional talent that sticks out like a sore thumb. Some of my friends have the ability to capture such beautiful photos, some make pretty good music, another writes good stories, another is creatively gifted, another bakes moth-watering cakes, while some other of my friends are simply gorgeous. The last one is a talent of some sort.

Well I don't have all that. Not a single talent that really screams to be spread into the wilderness of the world. So to friends who do, appreciate it, and do something about it. Don't let your talent sit on its lazy ass.

The next three questions were easier. Plans, I have tons. And all of them sound like pretty good plans that I have a hard time of just choosing one. We'll see, we'll see.

And then I remember reading about this in a magazine some time ago.

'A professional honeymoon tester.'

I'd do that for free! All the petty fights that married couples have would be trivial when you are surrounded by the amplified beauty of the world. How can you stay mad at your partner when a picturesque sunset is taking place just outside your hotel window? When you standing on the beach of Mauritius? The only valid reason I can think of to be perfectly ok to have fights with your partner on such breath-taking scenery is if he has been caught red-handed cheating with the cute waitress. 0.O

Kinda reminds me of that over-hyped 'best job in the world', the island caretaker. Sheesh. That is really one of the best job in the world.

Knock Off

This is what I call love at first sight :

Alexander Mcqueen Spring/Summer 2011 collection.

And if that wasn't good enough, it comes with a matching heels that if fairies were not merely mythical creatures, they would definitely have fights among themselves over who get to wear and keep this look.

Talking about butterflies. The orange color of these Mcqueen's dress reminds me of the ever-so-fascinating Monarch butterflies, a species that migrates in winter to escape the chills.

The Monarch butterflies are poisonous, resulting from the plant they feed on while they are in the caterpillar stage so birds would normally stay away from them the second time they encounter these pretty butterflies. Of course, the lesson must be learnt the hard way; they have to eat them the first time around in order to experience the discomfort the poison will have on their stomach which sometimes will lead to the poor birds vomiting.

Another species of butterflies, the Visceroy butterflies, upon learning about the cool trick that the Monarch butterflies have up its sleeves wings, thought that it would be awesome to mimic those seemingly simple self-defense requiring not much of an effort other than just by looking the right part. Shallow as it might seem, that is one fact that we just can't escape living in our time; unless you are willing to work 10 times harder.

Being the street-smart species that they are, the Visceroyers decided to adopt this brilliant trick and over time, their coloration evolved and tada!, now the Visceroyers look just like their friends, the Monarchers. No statements have ever been solicited from a member of Monarch on how they really feel about the whole copycat thing-y, seeing as to now their looks are not exclusive anymore.

Here's how they both look now, side by side :

Remarkable, ain't it? Such wonder of nature.

We humans are no different from the animal kingdom, really. Each of us has our own defense mechanism when it comes to dealing with predators of the real world; some just act downright crazy when put in a stressful situation, some prefer to just hide beneath the blanket and refuse to come out, some smoke, some do drugs, some punch the predators in the nuts, while some erm, do sudoku. Or blog just to escape the anxiety of the approaching exams.

Looking Forward To....

Ever been very excited for something to happen, that your mind keeps wandering back to the possibility of that thing actually happening, in which you can visualize the scene vividly in your head?

Right now I'm afraid that my eagerness would somehow will it into not happening. I know, I know, it's all in the power of visualizing your goal that has got every legit motivator out there preaching about.. But would too much of a positive energy surrounding a thought eventually backfire and scare the thought away from reality, preventing the scene from taking place at all?

I've told myself not to give it that much thought, you know, that if it happens, it's a bonus, but if it doesn't, well bummers, but no big deal whatsoever.

But you know how when someone asks you not to picture a pink polar bear wearing a snug fit t-shirt saying "I'm not overweight, I'm just a polar bear" that you will inevitably find yourself thinking exactly just that; a pink polar bear wearing a snug fit t-shirt saying "I'm not overweight, I'm just a polar bear"?

The power of planting ideas in one's head. Funny. Prior to getting those hopeful thoughts, I've been pretty content with the prospect that it might not actually happen. But now. Now that there's a glimmer of hope, and I've gotten myself quite worked up over the idea, it would be quite devastating if it actually doesn't happen. No. I would be fiercely crushed. I would stay in my room and sulk all day long, going out just for peeing and drinking water. Yeah. That bad.

So far I've told two souls about it and let's hope that's not jinxing it.

And now this post?

Well. I didn't actually give the news away so it doesn't count.

Fingers crossed!

*big cheshire cat smile*

In about two months time, if it does actually happen, this is how I will look like, all the time, even in my sleep:

(scroll down for a little visual help....)

Nite everyone!

Wakeup Call

It's okay to feel like crap once in a while.

It's okay to feel that you are not in perfect control of your life sometimes; because truth is, you are not. A bigger force out there is dealing the cards for you. Though it's no excuse to sit on your ass and be lazy.

It's okay to not be little-miss-(may I please use the f-word here once, thanks)fucking-sunshine all the time. Nobody expects that from you.

But while you are dealing with all these issues, do know that life goes on. It doesn't skip a beat, in order to wait for you, just so you could have your diva moment.

I'm sure you must have seen countless scenes in the movies in which time seems to freeze for a moment when something disastrous happens to the main character and everything else seems to move in a slow motion. As if to give the character enough time to digest what has just happened, to assess the situation for a while, before having to snap back to reality and react.

Well, even though you are the centre of your own real-life drama, newsflash missy, reality doesn't work that way. So while you are busy indulging in self-pity or despair or state of confusion, the Earth keeps on rotating, and time doesn't loose its rhythm.

The thing is, you thought your shit is catastrophic enough to call for an emergency button, but in the harsh light of reality, it is not the end of the world. Most of the time, unfortunately, it is just not.

Still got your legs and hands in tact? Still have a functioning brain? Still breathing?

Chances are, you'll survive this one.

What are we to do

with all the beauty stretching out

behind us.

Jeepers Creepers

Nearly puked after watching a video of an accident posted on Facebook. Why would anyone want to post such disturbing thing?

And the bigger question is, why did I, knowing perfectly how I usually react to gory bloody stuff, click play on that video?

My head is still spinning, I swear. My stomach's tumbling. My heart's still beating fast. Dah la tadi dah dapat perfect momentum untuk study.

Fegggg. Ggggrrrrrr.

I don't know how I would be able to sleep tonight without that image scaring the hell out of me. This is worse than any horror movies I've ever watched. At least, in movies, I can know for sure that after the director screamed 'CUT!', the bloody (literally) actors will get up and go hang out in their on set 5-star trailer.

But this video, it is real.

The sight of that poor man, his head hanging out the side of his lorry in such an awkward angle it brings chills to your bones thinking about the extent of his injuries. Guts splattered, brain blown out, blood dripping everywhere. Not sure if he even realized his situation but it was apparent to those bystanders that his only chance of survival is if God decided to rise him from the dead. But he was still alive. And talking. He kept on repeating the same phrase over and over, which is, "Bang, tolong saya bang, tolong bang." Fact is, his situation was beyond being saved, even if the ambulance had arrived within 5-minutes after the accident, which is a miracle in itself in Malaysia.

It is heart-wrenching, to see someone still alive in that situation. I wouldn't have wished it for my worst enemy, or even the most horrible person on earth like say, a sadistic pedophile. The pain that he must have gone through during the last few minutes of living.

What was going through his head? His whole life must have flashed right before his eyes. Did he thought about things he wished he hadn't done or things that he kept delaying to do and now there's just no chance anymore? Those unspoken words that he wished he had said?

Or maybe it was just the pain. And fear. And unreadiness.

I think nobody is or ever will be ready for death. Even though someday, we might have gotten around to do everything we should have done in this life, perfected our ibadah as much as we could, on our deathbed, I think, we will always wish we had done more. No?

But it struck a chord in me, hearing how the poor man kept repeating the same sentence, "Bang, tolong saya bang, tolong bang."

He kept saying that over and over, until after awhile...he just stopped. Not moving anymore.

That made me shiver more than the blood and the battered body.

I pray that, when my time comes, all I would think of is my Creator, Allah and returning back to Him.

That's a pretty selfish prayer, I realize. Because now, I sometimes forget. I tend to forget that He is bigger than all of us combined, times thousands. I forget that even with all my strength and willpower that I could possibly muster, it is still up to Him to make things happen.

From now on, I'll try to think about Him more and more everyday. Maybe if I try to make myself closer to Him now, He would be with me at the end.

InshaAllah.